How to Parent with Love instead of Punishments and Fear

Parenting is so full of problems.  These problems can sometimes drive you crazy, overwhelm you, weigh on you heavily, and bring you down to tears.  We as parents usually flare up when we've run out of ideas, often resulting in all kinds of damage.  I deeply want to help myself and all other parents have simple, effective approaches that will unite the family and help all to grow in love.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf said: 

"It is true that fear can have a powerful influence over our actions and behavior. But that influence tends to be temporary and shallow. Fear rarely has the power to change our hearts, and it will never transform us into people who love what is right...People who are fearful may say and do the right things, but they do not feel the right things. They often feel helpless and resentful, even angry. Over time these feelings lead to mistrust, defiance, even rebellion...

"There may be moments when we are tempted to justify our actions by believing that the end justifies the means. We might even think that to be controlling, manipulative, and harsh will be for the good of others. Not so, for the Lord has made it clear that “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, [and] temperance.”

"...if we ever find ourselves living in fear or anxiety, or if we ever find that our own words, attitudes, or actions are causing fear in others, I pray with all the strength of my soul that we may become liberated from this fear by the divinely appointed antidote to fear: the pure love of Christ, for “perfect love casteth out fear.”" - Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear

I love finding simple approaches with basic principles and steps so that anyone can understand and apply them.  Here are a few very simple principles that have changed my world as a parent (and even apply to many other areas of life).

Principle #1: Problems are critical to our progress to become better.  Problems are a starting point for growth.

Principle #2: Love is the solution to every problem.  We need to find out where love is needed.

Principle #3: When there are bad feelings between people, someone is not feeling understood.

Here are some very simple steps to apply these principles (an example provided): 

1. Realize that they are suffering.

• Almost all "bad behavior" is a result of suffering.  (Another common cause is ignorance).  By seeing that they are suffering, you will more likely feel compassion and "take your walls down".  That simple step can make all the difference in the world in how you interact with them.
• Time: This will probably only take seconds.

2. Help one person feel understood.

• Make sure you are calm enough to do this.
• Get their attention (if they resist, let them know you want everyone involved to be happy). 
• Find out what they want, putting yourself into their shoes, and listening with love.  Often just noticing is enough and no question is needed.
• Help them feel understood by restating as a question, with empathy.  This helps them to immediately feel understood, calm down, "take their walls down", and open themselves up to listening. 
• Time: This can take as little as 2 sentences from you.

• "Hold on guys...  Preston, what are you wanting right now?" (wait for answer)
• "You want to _______?"  (wait for answer)
• "Why?"   -OR-  "I can see why you want to, you love doing that." (i.e. show empathy in some way)

3. Involve that person to help the other person feel understood.

• Ask them what the others want.  If they don't know, they can always ask.  If struggling, encourage the other person to share their perspective.
• Time: This can take as little as 1 sentence from you.

• (You) "What does Holly want?"
• (Preston) "I don't know"
• (You) "How about if you ask her?"
• (Preston) "What do you want, Holly?"
• (Holly) "I want ____________"
• (You) "Preston, will you please help Holly feel understood?  Try describing to her what she wants and why."
• (Preston) "You want _____ because ____, right?"
• (Holly) "Yes"

4. Ask: "What can you do to help both of you be happy?"

• Have faith in their ability to find such a solution.  If they don't know or they want help, share your perspective with love, offering ideas.  Encourage any idea that results in all of you being happy.  
• Follow up to verify that both are happy.  Congratulate and express your own happiness.  
• If it involves a commitment going forward, help set a time frame to something short like 24 hours, then gradually extend, following up each time.  When they complete commitments even partially, get excited and ask them how they did it.
• Time: This can take as little as 2-3 sentences from you.

• (You) "Preston, what can you do to help you and Holly both be happy" (wait for answer)
• (Preston) "I don't know"
• (You) "How about if you ________?"
• (Preston) "Ok.  Holly, how about if we ______?"
• (Holly) Ok.
• (You) "OK, are you both happy now?" (wait for answer)
• (Preston) "Yeah."
• (Holly) "Yeah."
• (You) "Great job, guys!!!  I love it seeing you both be happy."

With this very simple technique, the problem can be solved, feelings remedied, and all of you being happy!!!  It can sometimes take as few as 5-6 sentences from you!  This same approach applies if you yourself are the other person involved in the situation.  This approach works even in difficult situations.  It avoids any kind of punishment; punishments distract from learning.  It avoids deferring to rules; rules are not some set of unbreakable rules.  If feelings are too elevated, consider having a short break to allow everyone to calm down first.  If they still totally refuse to cooperate, go to plan B which may involve loss of privileges, extra chores, some form of self-evaluation exercise, being stuck somewhere (traditional time-out), or other punishment.  Express your sadness in doing so, in that you hate punishing, and would much rather talk it through with love and understanding so all of you are happy.

Dealing with Negative Criticism (The Big Red Balloon)

Dealing with a flood of negative criticism can be very unnerving.  It brings a whole new meaning to the word "patience".

When I was a missionary (for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), I had an unforgettable experience.  My companion and I were walking down a street and we heard someone calling, "Elders!"  I got excited.  We didn't know them, yet just by how they addressed us, they seemed to know about us and what we do.  They invited us to come onto their porch where a small group of people were sitting.  They seemed pleasant and we started to get to know them a little.

When we asked them if they'd like to hear our message, they started criticizing our beliefs.  It wasn't a few concerns, it was an outpouring of rude criticism.  I immediately wanted to get out of there.  I wanted to cordially excuse ourselves since they were clearly not interested, however I couldn't get a word in edgewise.  I finally stood up, and interrupted them between their hurtful words to let them know we were going.

When we had made it down the street, my companion asked me why I'd gotten so mad.  I was startled at his question.  I knew that I hadn't yelled, insulted, or stormed off.  When I asked him what he meant, he explained that they could tell I was upset.  That's what they had wanted and I gave it to them.

I felt embarrassed to have done that, but I was confused.  What else could I have done?  Just sit there?  What good would that do?  I'd rather visit people who were interested in our message.  I couldn't stop thinking about it though...

Suddenly a thought came to my mind: I should have remained peaceful.  Patience isn't about waiting for my turn or putting up with something annoying.  It's about feeling peace in the midst of difficult circumstances.  If I could have remained calm, I could have been an example of love, acceptance of others, and had the opportunity to share my testimony and feelings about the gospel with them.

But how?  How could I possibly remain calm in the midst of such attacks?  I had to somehow not take their words personally.  I had to see them for what they were, and keep my perspective clear.

That's when the thought came about a big red balloon.  I could visualize that they had a red balloon, starting out empty, in their mouths.  Then, as they talked, the words would go into the balloon.  The more they talked, the more it would fill up, but the whole time, I would be safe from being hurt.  I could encourage them to get it all out by asking them about things that I didn't quite understand, and asking if there was anything else.  By allowing them to fill up the balloon, they will get to the point where they would feel heard.  Then, I could partially deflate the balloon by bringing up points that we agree with.  At that point, I could calmly, and sincerely ask if they would like to hear our message.  If they declined, I could at least share my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Knowing that I could have peace through a barrage of insults and attacks gave me greater confidence.  I wasn't afraid of criticizing words.  Instead, they would give me a chance to pass along the unconditional love that I feel from Christ.

Listening 101 for Men :)

The title is a tease; in my experience, men are typically much worse listeners compared to women.  In fact, I have been one of the worst.  I recently gained a whole new perspective on listening and would like to share what I wish I had understood before.  The sad thing is that I'd heard it all before, but it was either too foreign, too overwhelming, or didn't seem to apply to me.

As I see it, it's a total miracle that we can communicate at all.  We start with some concept in our minds.  We translate it into words.  We turn the words into phonetics.  We make our tongues and mouths turn those phenetics into the corresponding sounds.  The sounds travel through the air, making it past noise and other competing sounds.  Another person's eardrum vibrates from the sounds.  They interpret those sounds into phonetics.  They combine the phonetics to identify words.  They interpret the words into concepts.  They then reconcile those concepts with their knowledge and understanding, and repeat the process in the reverse to respond.  At any one of these steps, the process can fail causing miscommunication.

I used to be totally satisfied with myself if I even made it through these steps.  Come to find out, there's actually much more to it than that.

True listening is more than interpreting concepts from sounds.  It involves putting ourselves into their shoes.  Only in that way are we able to go beyond what they're saying.  We can see why they're saying it, why they're saying it at that time, why they aren't saying something else, why they're using the tone that they are, why they're positioning their body in that way, with those gestures, with that speed, with those pauses and inflections, and other nuances that provide so much more meaning than just words.  Trying to ask all of these questions with every sentence that they speak would slow the communication to a crawl.  It's not practical to do it that way.  Truly, we must imagine ourselves in their shoes.

Each one of us has the capability within our mind and heart to take this leap.  It requires focus.  We can't be multitasking in splitting our attention.  We can't be thinking of how we'll respond.  We can't be defensive.  We must be open.  We must be accepting.  We should make eye contact.  We must set aside our own hopes, dreams, selfishness, pride, and agendas and simply seek to understand.  In understanding, we can begin to see their intentions, their hopes, their fears, and their passions.

Relationships are essential to the meaning of life.  Relationships can't grow if we don't grow in understanding the other.  Even more, they wither or die if we don't put the effort into remembering what the other person has shared with us.  If after each conversation, we forget what they've told us, where must the next conversation start?  Will the other person be open to repeating basic information of their name, their occupation, where they live, their family situation?  How often will they put up with this?  When will they give up and write you off as shallow, uncaring, and someone who wastes their time?  In remembering at least the key information that they share with us, the relationship has a foundation and structure to build on.  As we put more and more time and effort into learning about them and understanding them, it can flourish and create real meaning in your life.  It reaches well beyond the shallow into the sweet deepness of real friendship.

My wife is a great example of someone you truly listens.  In just a few minutes with someone, they make a meaningful connection.  It used to baffle me.  After just meeting a store clerk, the clerk would offer a friends and family discount when she checked out.  She didn't see people as a simple role of being a waitress, a policeman, a teacher, etc.  She would put herself in their shoes, see them as a whole person with the complexities of life.  She would then share her thoughts and feelings and like magic, they'd reach a mutual understanding and respect for each other.

Listening is key to any meaningful relationship.  Join me in giving up the idea that it's too difficult, complicated, or foreign to listen at a much greater level.  It is simple.  It is the effort to put ourselves into their shoes that takes us all the way from here to there.