Depression is a gift

Today I had a great privilege.  I was at a table with seven people who suffer from depression.  The energy in the room was uplifting as we discussed depression and its effects.  Although I don't have depression I have been working on understanding it.  One made a comment that he felt 20 years more mature than his age due to his struggle with depression.  Another mentioned how depression enables understanding better others' struggles.  One concluded that depression is a gift.  It brings a focus on the need to not give in and wallow in negative thoughts.  The depression tells you to stop trying, to just escape with sleep, isolation, over eating, or whatever else.  It wants you to wallow in self-pity.  Over time, as you begin to see its effects, as it comes back again and again, it invites the effort to fight it.  It is a wake-up call to truly step up each time you are ready to face it.  In doing so, you gain a courage, and trajectory that can help you move to higher heights and even surpass the levels that people who don't suffer from depression are likely to be at as they stay more in the middle of emotional levels.  I was in such awe at the words I was hearing.  I have greater respect and appreciation for those who suffer from depression, and see that I can learn so much from them.  Their struggles are a light and an example to me.

Alternate modes/personalities

Last night I had a great realization.  I got after my child about not doing their assigned chores.  I poked and pressured, expressed my frustration, and generally drove a wedge deeper between us, beat a dead horse about it, and chased away good feelings.  Afterward, in private, my amazing wife asked me what I was doing.  She pointed out what I was doing and pointed out that I was obeying fear, and that I need to apply "not obeying fear" to myself [in these interactions].  I pondered about it (on a walk) and realized that I had been trying to "put my foot down", "be the man of the house", "be the bad cop", "tell them what they need to hear", etc. which is all fear-based.  I was literally forcing myself to be someone that I am not in order to fill a role that I thought I had to fill.  In doing so, I wasn't actually being someone who no one wanted me to be, including myself.  In fact, I was being completely insincere, not speaking from the heart, doing something I really didn't want to do, and that I was being very shallow, unfeeling, robotic, and disconnected from myself.  I saw that I was sending out vibes of disgust toward my child and that that feeling of disgust was actually coming from disgust for who I was being.  I hated how I was acting, didn't believe in it at all, and had no integrity in being that way.  The more I thought about it the more I didn't want to be that way ever again.  I saw that my wife, even when she elevated her voice or was emphatic about something, she was being genuine and sincere.  Doing so enables her to send love, even if it's tough love, in her words and message.

I decided to strive to never be that way again.  I never want to be the "insincere, strict dad".  I want to be genuine and sincere.  I want to use the tools that I have been given in being a peacemaker and holding accountable in the Lord's way and to be real.  I want to not obey fear.

Last night I realized that I have an alternate mode and/or personality.  However, I choose to be my true genuine self with compassion, seeking understanding and growing in love.

How to solve conflicts

Life is full of problems.  Many times these problems are conflicts between the needs or wants of different people.  We are all unique with our own feelings and desires.  When the desires and needs of one person conflict with those of another, it can be very challenging to resolve.  I want to share a very simple and powerful technique that has done wonders in my home and elsewhere. 

Here are some simple steps to resolve a conflict between people.

See diagram: 

1. Notice the suffering.

• So often conflicts relate to suffering that people are going through.  Is there suffering that you are aware of or might there be some that you're not aware of that is at the root of the conflict?By realizing that people are suffering, you will more likely feel compassion and "take your walls down".  That simple step can make all the difference in the world in how you interact with them.
• Time: This will probably only take seconds.
• See Behavior Red Flags to help do this.

2. Help one person feel understood.

• Make sure you are calm enough to do this.
• Get their attention (if they resist, let them know you want everyone involved to be happy).
• Find out what they want, putting yourself into their shoes, and listening with love.  Often just noticing is enough and no question is needed.
• Help them feel understood by restating as a question, with empathy.  This helps them to immediately feel understood, calm down, stop any bad behavior (for now), "take their walls down", and open themselves up to listening. 
• Time: This can take as little as 2 sentences from you.

• "Hold on guys...  Preston, what are you wanting right now?" (wait for answer)
• "You want to _______?"  (wait for answer)
• "Why?"   -OR-  "I can see why you want to, you love doing that." (i.e. show empathy in some way)

3. Involve that person to help the other person feel understood.

• Ask them what the others want.  If they don't know, they can always ask.  If struggling, encourage the other person to share their perspective.
• Time: This can take as little as 1 sentence from you.

• (You) "What does Holly want?"
• (Preston) "I don't know"
• (You) "How about if you ask her?"
• (Preston) "What do you want, Holly?"
• (Holly) "I want ____________"
• (You) "Preston, will you please help Holly feel understood?  Try describing to her what she wants and why."
• (Preston) "You want _____ because ____, right?"
• (Holly) "Yes"

4. Ask: "What can you do to help both of you be happy?"

• Have faith in their ability to find such a solution.  If they don't know or they want help, share your perspective with love, offering ideas.  Encourage any idea that results in all of you being happy.  
• Follow up to verify that both are happy.  Congratulate and express your own happiness.  
• If it involves a commitment going forward, help set a time frame to something short like 24 hours, then gradually extend, following up each time.  When they complete commitments even partially, get excited and ask them how they did it.
• Time: This can take as little as 2-3 sentences from you.

• (You) "Preston, what can you do to help you and Holly both be happy" (wait for answer)
• (Preston) "I don't know"
• (You) "How about if you ________?"
• (Preston) "Ok.  Holly, how about if we ______?"
• (Holly) Ok.
• (You) "OK, are you both happy now?" (wait for answer)
• (Preston) "Yeah."
• (Holly) "Yeah."
• (You) "Well done, guys!!!  I love that."

With this very simple technique, the problem can be solved, feelings remedied, and all of you being happy!!!  It can sometimes take as few as 5-6 sentences from you!  This same approach applies if you yourself are the other person involved in the situation.  This approach works even in difficult situations.  It avoids any kind of destructive feedback; destructive feedback distracts from resolving conflicts.  It avoids deferring to rules; rules are not some set of unbreakable rules.  If feelings are too elevated, consider allowing time to allow everyone to calm down first.  The backbone of all of this is your desire for everyone involved to be happy and your confidence that it is achievable with enough healthy communication.

One of my life coaching clients shared that when their spouse quickly just gave in and agreed to what they were asking for, it was not satisfying.  It felt more like a cop-out.   In fact, it didn't even really matter to them whether they got what they were asking for because what they really wanted was to feel heard, understood, and felt.  I've seen that pattern in my own experience as well.  A relationship is not about getting what you want or giving them what they want - it is about connection.  The connection makes all the difference.  It makes the motive behind what we do be pure.  It makes expressions of love be genuine.  

Quiz (for fun):

If you do all of these things in this order, at what point does the other person stop their bad behavior:

a. When you see their bad behavior as suffering.

b. When you understand what they want.

c. When you help them feel understood.

d. When you give them what they want.

Answer: (c).  In fact, you don't even need to do (d) if it isn't a win-win solution.

Fear, Love, and Healing

I just watched an amazing movie on Netflix called Heal.  I highly recommend watching it.  I need to share what I learned from it as well as the most effective way I know of to heal.

Everyone has fear.  We fear failure, rejection, the unknown, not being good enough, and so much more.  Fear causes stress.  Our body considers us in danger and puts us into "fight or flight" mode.  When in "fight or flight" mode, our brain naturally shifts most of our energy and focus to the fear at hand, deferring proper bodily function and healing until after the fear is resolved.

In our day and age what we fear doesn't usually require a physical battle or literally running away from danger.  The kind of fear we experience doesn't seem to have a clear solution.  With no such obvious solution, we usually don't end up addressing the fear at all.  Instead, we live with it by a myriad of approaches, some more destructive than others.  Some cope by escaping into video games, social media, thrills, pornography, or overworking.  Some cope by numbing with drugs or alcohol.  Some cope by seeking consolation with comfort food or sharing their story for validation.  There are many many more coping strategies that don't actually address the problem.

Without actually resolving the fear, our body doesn't get the expected relief which would have come from victory or getting away from the danger.  Instead, we usually remain in "flight or flight" mode, often for days, weeks, years, or decades.  By staying in this mode, our body accumulates tension, it starts to aggravate us, it spreads, finds a home in weak parts of our body, develops, and finally diversifies into any of several kinds of diseases or manifestations.  These include cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, lupus, and so many more.

What we don't often realize is that fear is actually a wake-up call.  Our body is trying to get us to really address the cause of the fear.  It's like an alarm clock, but we keep hitting the snooze button over and over instead of actually getting up.  It is trying to help us to learn, grow, and move forward in our lives.  Unfortunately, it doesn't communicate that clearly.  We generally mistake it for something else entirely.  A similar example to this is that when we push ourselves too much, we end up with pain, illness, or exhaustion.  Our body is telling us we need to slow down and respect our capacity.  The question is, will we listen?

When we finally hit our breaking point or realize that we need to make a real change, do we even know how?  How can we truly address our fears?  There are many ideas, but how to know which ones won't end up feeding the fear instead?

The solution to all fear is love.  Love has many forms: gratitude, forgiveness, letting others in, seeking understanding, compassion, service, relaxing, doing what we enjoy, acting on what we truly desire deep down, connecting with nature, connecting with our higher power, creating, growing in knowledge, art, music, affection, putting ourselves in others' shoes, the Golden Rule, being yourself, and so much more.

The challenge is that when we are in the midst of fear, it is hard to act with genuine love. We might serve, but it might be more out of fear of being useless, fear of being judged as selfish or lazy, fear of not being needed, fear of not being loving.  We might overcommit ourselves out of a desire to love, but then miserably fail to do as we've said, leading to more hurt than healing.

How can we let go of fear so that we can heal with love?  Some ideas that people have found effective to make this transition are laughter, music, forgiveness, hypnotherapy, EFT, yoga, Cranial Sacral, Reiki, massage, breath work, burn letters, and acupuncture.  (ideas from "Heal" on Netflix)

The technique that I believe is the most effective is from Byron Katie on TheWork.com.  In fairness, I have not tried most of the different techniques, but the incredible way that this technique has drastically helped in a wide range of situations in my own life and in the dozens of people I have facilitated is truly amazing.  It is a meditation technique called inquiry which is simply answering a set of questions.  These questions bring awareness of what the wake-up call is trying to tell us.  In doing so, it turns our fears, frustrations, and stresses into gems of understanding that can immediately enable us to let go of our negative thoughts and fears.  It brings us to our center - our home - where we feel free, feel at peace, and feel happiness.  It shows us what is truly in our control and what we need to do.  The answers it provides come from within us.  We already have the answers; we just need to access them.  By using this technique over the last couple of years, on April 15, 2019, I was able to let go of the fears that have driven me in my day to day life.  I am not overcommitting myself, I'm being open, accepting of myself, being real, laboring out of love instead of fear or duty, and facing fear when it comes to the door.  I still have a lot to learn but it has been wonderful.

Imagine how life could be by letting go of fear and fully embracing love.  If you'd like help doing so, please ask me.

How to overcome stress, anxiety, frustrations, and sadness through Inquiry

Want to overcome stress, anxiety, frustrations, and sadness?

My previous post of "Life is 10% of What Happens to Me and 90% of How I React to It" described TheWork.com from Byron Katie. Here are my own "Inquiry" questions based on the questions from TheWork.com. I came up with them to help make them conversation friendly, require less explaining, and take less time.

I highly recommend having someone who is familiar with the process walk you through it for at least the first few times. Their most important job is to hold you to each question until you've fully answered it.

1: What is causing you suffering, that should not be the case? (1 concise sentence)
2: If you could just snap your fingers, how would you like them to change (how they think, talk, feel and act)? (at least a paragraph) 3: From 1 to 10 how confident are you that it is absolutely true? 4: How complete is your perspective of the whole picture? (What percentage is your story of the full and clear picture? How complete is this story.) 5: How is the story affecting you (including how you see/treat them, see/treat yourself, and see your world and future)? (at least a paragraph) 6: If you (hypothetically) lost the ability to see it that way, how would you be? (at least a paragraph) 7: Re-read #5 and #6 and ask: Is there any reason to hold onto that story? 8: How is the advice from #2 true after replacing them with you? 9: If you step back, how is the advice from #2 true after swapping you and them? 10: In what ways have they already done the advice from #2 (and/or opposite of #1)? 11: What is within your control to significantly improve your peace and happiness about this? (at least a paragraph)
Remember the realms of power.
See my favorite quotes from Byron Katie.

You can contact me if you'd like my help in doing this.

Tip for finding a topic:
* What are you unhappy about?
* On a scale from 1 to 10 how happy are you?  What happened that keeps you from being at a 10?
* What is your biggest fear?
* Where is love needed in your life?  Why?

Tip when helping someone do this who is going on tangents:
Stop them and explain how the ego needs to keep telling the story. The real answers have a hard time getting through when the ego keeps talking.

Spotlight: A fun and uplifting group game

This game was an answer to prayer.  It is called "Spotlight".  It's kind of like "I spy" mixed with the grateful game.  The person who goes first secretly chooses someone in the group and starts giving hints.  Each hint is something that they like about the person (e.g. "I like that this person ...").  As soon as someone is confident they know who it is, they declare their guess.  If they're wrong, they can't guess anymore (that is to avoid just listing everyone's names as guesses).  If they are right, they get to choose whose turn it is next. 

The beauty of the game is that the whole time they are comments that are positive about someone in the group.  To make it not obvious who they are about, the hints often apply to multiple people which spreads the love even more.  When someone guesses, even if it is wrong, it is affirming positive things about someone in the group.  In order to play the game more and more, different hints are needed which involves identifying more and more positive things about members of the group.

This game is simple and beautiful, not to mention fun to play.

"Life is 10% of What Happens to Me and 90% of How I React to It"

See: printable version

We were born full of love, peace, kindness, forgiveness, light, and all that is good.  Our lives on Earth have helped us to appreciate these by showing us their opposites: love vs. hate, peace vs. contention, kindness vs. selfishness, forgiveness vs. bitterness, light vs. darkness, and all that is good vs. all that is bad.

In order to grasp these opposites, we have two kinds of voices in our mind: our ego and our soul self.  The ego fights for the stage of our mind and remains there when we believe what it says.  Our soul self patiently waits for a turn to take the stage.

Our ego compares us with other people, compares what has happened with what it thinks should have happened, and compares our circumstances with what might have been.  It says "they should/shouldn't " and "In the past, I should/shouldn't have ". It takes others' actions and words, along with these thoughts, and creates enormous drama around them.  It sees us as the victim.  That drama wreaks violence on ourselves, pushing us toward misery: stress, worry, questioning our worth, depression, anxiety, isolation, feeling misunderstood, and suffering. 

This misery causes significant trauma to our mind and body, which often leads to health issues.  The more in balance you get your mind, the less your body will suffer.  "Body follows mind."

Our soul self is who we really are.  It is made of love, peace, forgiveness and all that is good.  It doesn't react to negative thoughts.  It simply observes our stream of thoughts, observes others, observes what is happening, and finds the good in all of it. 

Reality includes everything that has happened.  Arguing what should or shouldn't have happened is futile.  When you argue with reality you will only lose always.  Instead, accept reality by questioning your ego's drama in order to quiet it.  Then give your soul self the stage and you will be surprised at the difference.

Our reactions are violence upon ourselves.  Happiness and peace are found instead in observing everything without creating this drama.  That will quiet our ego and allow our soul self to be on stage and fill us with joy, light, and peace.  Having this light enables us to be angels in others' lives.  The most effective way I've found to do this is by doing a TheWork.com worksheet.

Each time you do a worksheet you get your mind more into balance.  The first one that you do properly will blow your mind.  If available, have someone familiar with it walk you through it.  If not, the most important thing is to allow your mind sufficient time to allow the answers to the questions to surface without rushing or avoiding them.

The process of doing a worksheet

You can download a Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet from thework.com.  Alternatively, you can use blank paper. I include the questions below.

1. Think of a person and situation that has caused you the most suffering in your life that you can think of right now.  It can anytime in your life including today.  It can by anyone, although for the first 10 or so, don’t have it be about yourself.
2. Fill out questions 1 through 6, putting as much of your frustration and negative emotion into your answers as you can.  It’s ok to swear if that helps.  You don’t need to write down details; very simple sentences are best.
• 1. In this situation, who angers, confuses, saddens, disappoints you and why?
• I am [emotion] with/at [person’s name] because __________.
• 2. In this situation, how do you want them to change?
• I want [person’s name] to ________.
• 3. In this situation, what advice would you offer them?
• [person’s name] should/shouldn’t ________.
• 4. In order for you to be happy, what do you need them to think say, feel, or do?
• I need [person’s name] to _________.
• 5. What do you think of them in this situation?  Make a list.  (be petty and judgemental)
• [person’s name] is ___________.
• 6. What is it about this situation that you don’t ever want to experience again?
• I don’t ever want _____________.
3. Then choose sentence in #1 or #3 incites the most emotion in you.  Use it to answer “the four questions”.  Keep yourself focusing on the situation as you answer them.
• #1 “Is it true?”  Answer with a simple yes or no.
• #2 is worth thinking for a few seconds about.  “Can you absolutely know that it’s true?”  Answer with a simple yes or no.
• #3 is a major question.  “How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? (1-3 minutes)”.  Here are some sub-questions to help you fully answer it.  This should take some time.  Write down (or have someone else) your answers to compare with the answers to #4.  Fill up a page with your answers.
• Who are you with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you see them with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you treat them with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you react physically with the thought (e.g. tense)? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you see yourself with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you treat yourself with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• What do you see in that situation with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• What does your world/future look like with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• #4 is a critical question.  “Who would you be without the thought?”  This should have as full of an answer as #3.  This is a thought experiment.  It’s hypothetical.  This is a form of meditation.  Write down (or have someone else) your answers to compare with the answers to #3.  Fill up a page with your answers.
• Who are you without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you see them without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you treat them without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How are you physically without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you see yourself without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you treat yourself without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• What do you see in that situation without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• What does your world/future look like without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• Now, review the answers to #3 and #4 and ask yourself: “Do you see any reason to keep the thought?”  (The more thoroughly, sincerely, and confidently you’ve answered them, the more convinced you’ll usually be)
4. Now turn your answers to the first 6 questions around.
• For each of the first 5 questions, turn it around in all of the following ways.  For each one, find at least 3 genuine ways in which the statement is true (it’s ok to treat it more figurative than literal if needed).  Note: a) and b) will be the same as each other on statements that don't include you.
• a) To the self:  Replace the person’s name with yourself.
• b) To the other: Replace their name with yours, and your name with theirs.
• c) To the opposite: Make the statement the exact opposite (e.g. from "He is mean" to “He is nice”).
• For question 6, replace "I don't ever want" with each of the following and find at least 3 genuine ways in which the statement is true.  Note: Until you can look forward to all aspects of life without fear, your Work is not done (do more worksheets as needed).
• "I am willing"
• "I look forward"

Conclusion

Doing the worksheets help you come back to yourself and what is within your own control.  You’ll let go of judging and holding onto expectations of others, God, and the past.  “Should” and “shouldn’t” will fall out of your vocabulary, and you will find yourself in peace and feel lighter, where love, joy, and happiness come easily.