Steps:
1) Know about a Problem
We are surrounded by problems. They can ones that we've caused, ones that came upon us, are afflicting loved ones, are long-term issues that may never actually go away, discord, disagreements, mistakes, concerns, local or foreign poverty, politics, confusion, or anything else. Problems are where growth begins. "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger." "No pain, no gain."Avoid) Be Selfish
This step is always available. It is human nature to be selfish. It is rampant in the word today. It is the root cause of the large majority of problems that exist. It is the "easy way". Rationalizing and minimizing are the doorway. They soothe our guilt and conscience to enable us to entertain it. We are enticed to do it from many sides.
Pure love eliminates all selfishness, fear, comparison, and forcefulness.
Selfishness leads to misery in all of its forms.
2) Hear out the Problem with Love and Understanding
Why do people argue, whine, get angry, abuse, distrust, deceive, and rebel? They don't feel a connection. They don't feel understood. They feel alone. They don't feel loved. The solution is simple. Hear out the problem with love and understanding.
For problems that involve others, start by (1) hearing them out. Don't just listen with your ears. Put yourself into their shoes. Imagine what their situation feels like. If you can't seem to make sense of something, ask them about it, with genuine caring. Don't judge, criticize, or get defensive. Don't make them feel like they're trapped in a corner or start any kind of power struggle because that will only make them feel forced into a fight or flight response. Don't try to think about what you're going to say. Just stop and listen. Don't ask questions you already know the answers to. There's no script for this. You will find that by doing the effort to put yourself into their shoes, the lights will turn on, and you will begin to understand. When you visualize yourself in their shoes, your naturally incredible mind will take everything in, including their body language, their tone, their words, the words they aren't saying, and the details you know about their lives. You can even do this even if they're not around you by recalling conversations you've had in the past.
Put yourself into their shoes and share what you see/feel there. When they are defensive or arguing, that's showing a need to feel understood and loved! It also shows that you're not really listening to them. Point out sincerely that "I could be wrong" (even if you feel sure). Asap, apologize for not listening better.
Put yourself into their shoes and share what you see/feel there. When they are defensive or arguing, that's showing a need to feel understood and loved! It also shows that you're not really listening to them. Point out sincerely that "I could be wrong" (even if you feel sure). Asap, apologize for not listening better.
Once you feel like you understand their perspective, (2) reflect it back in a way can feel that you do. Show genuine compassion. Faking this won't fool anyone! You don't have to regurgitate everything they said. It can be as simple as, "Wow!" It could be summarizing what they've told you in a sentence. It could be telling them a similar experience you've had or know of. It could be a hug with no words at all.
Their perspective is often not representative of the whole problem. (3) Help them to do the same about others involved, if any. Examples: "Why do you think they did that?" "What are they wanting?" "What would you be thinking if you were in their shoes?"
After others' have been shared, (4) share you own perspective. This includes your love for them, your needs, your desires, your hopes, your feelings, your observations of what occurred (not your derived conclusions - simply stating facts, especially stating the problem), and your fears. Claim the blame for mistakes you may have done. Do NOT include judgement, blame, options, or decisions. You cannot force them to learn or agree. Sharing your perspective opens you up, makes you vulnerable, and provides the path to stronger relationships. Walls come down and you feel a stronger connection to each other. Everyone involved in this process has a much clearer understanding of the problem and each other.
Sticking to sharing feelings and observations mitigates, or even eliminates, arguments.
Share your perspective (observations, thoughts and beliefs) based on current and past observations and experiences. Don't poke, prod, accuse, command (such as "stop lying!"), or be repetitive. If you find that they don't want to listen to your thoughts, they probably don't not feel like you care much about them. "They won't care how much you know until they know how much you care." Be sure that they feel your love for them first.
Amazingly, the problem is often totally solved at this point. So many problems boil down to misunderstandings. In these cases, by simply understanding, the problem is gone!
For projects, this is the phase of gathering requirements. By hearing out the needs of the end-users, and sharing each other's perspectives, you arrive at a clear understanding of the core problem to address.
3) Discover and Consider Options
...Allow them to take responsibility for the problem. They can learn from your perspective and others' if they want to. Controlling them robs them of growth instead of fostering it.
