Communication for topics when you have strong disagreements or the emotions are strong can be very difficult. In addition to dealing with emotional pain, there are a lot of activities to try to fit in. On the one hand, there is hearing, listening, and understanding the other person, analyzing what they've said, and figuring out when it's time to respond. On the other hand, there's verifying and expressing your understanding from what they said, expressing concerns, sharing your perspective, expressing intuition you might have, and proposing solutions. In addition, there's remembering all of these so that you are able to respond to each point that comes up, and remembering related issues that also need to be addressed. Throughout all of this, it's important to remember that women and men communicate differently, so some "translation" is needed to really communicate well.
This can be overwhelming and extremely difficult. This is something that I've especially struggled with. Some strategies only apply between parents (or leaders) and children which don't work between peers. In discussing this with some people, there's something that I'm trying and have had good success with already. Take it in three separate steps (avoid mixing them):
1) Understand the other person fully about a single problem. This includes hearing, listening to, and understanding the other person, including verifying and expressing your understanding from what they said. Avoid worrying or even thinking about how you'll respond, your reactions to it, or solutions that might exist. Trust that any solutions or ideas that come to you during this time will come again if still relevant in step 3. Just focus on understanding the other person. You'll know when this step is done by finding out (by asking them) if they feel understood or if there's anything they think you don't understand yet about that problem.
2) Seek to be understood. Share your perspective, feelings, thoughts and concerns about the problem. It might be best to request that they allow you do so before starting this step. It's normal for these to not match the other person's perspective, and this difference will make it clear what needs to be resolved. Put discussion off about solving the problem until you feel understood.
3) Agree on a Solution. Ask for ideas they might have that would work (this is highly recommended), analyze the problem, propose solutions, seek and express intuition, and don't consider it resolved unless you both agree on a solution.
In doing these steps, keep track of which issue is the current one, so you can keep your attention on it. Related issues may come up, which can be addressed immediately, right after the current issue, or in a later conversation. If the topic changes to a different issue, remember to do the steps in order for that issue (possibly switching who will be understood first), regardless of the state of the previous issue. Important issues will usually come up again if not addressed right away. You may find it helpful to write down the names of topics and agreed solutions for future reference. If a solution is later disputed, the issue should be rediscussed, starting with understanding the dispute itself.
Following these simple steps enables real progress toward resolving a difficult issue. Each step is valuable in and of itself. Following the steps prevents choppy conversations with many interruptions, as well as help avoid going in circles with rising emotions due to frustration. It can replace painful conversations with ones that are mutually beneficial and where love can reside.
