How to solve conflicts

Life is full of problems.  Many times these problems are conflicts between the needs or wants of different people.  We are all unique with our own feelings and desires.  When the desires and needs of one person conflict with those of another, it can be very challenging to resolve.  I want to share a very simple and powerful technique that has done wonders in my home and elsewhere. 

Here are some simple steps to resolve a conflict between people.

See diagram: 

1. Notice the suffering.

• So often conflicts relate to suffering that people are going through.  Is there suffering that you are aware of or might there be some that you're not aware of that is at the root of the conflict?By realizing that people are suffering, you will more likely feel compassion and "take your walls down".  That simple step can make all the difference in the world in how you interact with them.
• Time: This will probably only take seconds.
• See Behavior Red Flags to help do this.

2. Help one person feel understood.

• Make sure you are calm enough to do this.
• Get their attention (if they resist, let them know you want everyone involved to be happy).
• Find out what they want, putting yourself into their shoes, and listening with love.  Often just noticing is enough and no question is needed.
• Help them feel understood by restating as a question, with empathy.  This helps them to immediately feel understood, calm down, stop any bad behavior (for now), "take their walls down", and open themselves up to listening. 
• Time: This can take as little as 2 sentences from you.

• "Hold on guys...  Preston, what are you wanting right now?" (wait for answer)
• "You want to _______?"  (wait for answer)
• "Why?"   -OR-  "I can see why you want to, you love doing that." (i.e. show empathy in some way)

3. Involve that person to help the other person feel understood.

• Ask them what the others want.  If they don't know, they can always ask.  If struggling, encourage the other person to share their perspective.
• Time: This can take as little as 1 sentence from you.

• (You) "What does Holly want?"
• (Preston) "I don't know"
• (You) "How about if you ask her?"
• (Preston) "What do you want, Holly?"
• (Holly) "I want ____________"
• (You) "Preston, will you please help Holly feel understood?  Try describing to her what she wants and why."
• (Preston) "You want _____ because ____, right?"
• (Holly) "Yes"

4. Ask: "What can you do to help both of you be happy?"

• Have faith in their ability to find such a solution.  If they don't know or they want help, share your perspective with love, offering ideas.  Encourage any idea that results in all of you being happy.  
• Follow up to verify that both are happy.  Congratulate and express your own happiness.  
• If it involves a commitment going forward, help set a time frame to something short like 24 hours, then gradually extend, following up each time.  When they complete commitments even partially, get excited and ask them how they did it.
• Time: This can take as little as 2-3 sentences from you.

• (You) "Preston, what can you do to help you and Holly both be happy" (wait for answer)
• (Preston) "I don't know"
• (You) "How about if you ________?"
• (Preston) "Ok.  Holly, how about if we ______?"
• (Holly) Ok.
• (You) "OK, are you both happy now?" (wait for answer)
• (Preston) "Yeah."
• (Holly) "Yeah."
• (You) "Well done, guys!!!  I love that."

With this very simple technique, the problem can be solved, feelings remedied, and all of you being happy!!!  It can sometimes take as few as 5-6 sentences from you!  This same approach applies if you yourself are the other person involved in the situation.  This approach works even in difficult situations.  It avoids any kind of destructive feedback; destructive feedback distracts from resolving conflicts.  It avoids deferring to rules; rules are not some set of unbreakable rules.  If feelings are too elevated, consider allowing time to allow everyone to calm down first.  The backbone of all of this is your desire for everyone involved to be happy and your confidence that it is achievable with enough healthy communication.

One of my life coaching clients shared that when their spouse quickly just gave in and agreed to what they were asking for, it was not satisfying.  It felt more like a cop-out.   In fact, it didn't even really matter to them whether they got what they were asking for because what they really wanted was to feel heard, understood, and felt.  I've seen that pattern in my own experience as well.  A relationship is not about getting what you want or giving them what they want - it is about connection.  The connection makes all the difference.  It makes the motive behind what we do be pure.  It makes expressions of love be genuine.  

Quiz (for fun):

If you do all of these things in this order, at what point does the other person stop their bad behavior:

a. When you see their bad behavior as suffering.

b. When you understand what they want.

c. When you help them feel understood.

d. When you give them what they want.

Answer: (c).  In fact, you don't even need to do (d) if it isn't a win-win solution.