How do Men and Women Compare?

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How to "meet someone where they are" in a healthy way

Each of us are going through our own journey, some more difficult than others, but all different.  It can be hard to meet another person where they are.  It is likely unknown territory for us, and almost definitely out of our comfort zone.  We might not even know what it even means to really meet someone where they are.  For what it's worth, as I'm learning about this, my current understanding is this:

"Meeting someone where they are" means connecting without arguing with their reality.

Each of us has our own perspective, and we often don't agree with another person or see things the same way.  Too often when we approach someone we obsess about these differences and try to convince them of our perspective (i.e. "the proper perspective") with the intention of helping them.  However, this approach usually triggers contention, hurt feelings, defensiveness, and walls; it actually prevents connection and can even damage the connection that we already have.

Not arguing with their reality means accepting their perspective as their truth, allowing them their truth, and still connecting with them.  

Just connecting with someone who is suffering a lot can be painful.  It can appear especially painful and intimidating when we choose to actually meet them where they are.  There is a risk that we can lose who we are, including any peace and joy that we have, and just suffer with them.  That wouldn't serve them or us.  

So, how can we meet someone where they are in an uplifting way?  Here is the approach I'm trying to take.  Feel free to adapt it in your own way or create your own approach.

1. Establish absolute safety within myself

Before venturing to meet someone where they are, especially when they are suffering, I first try to establish safety within myself.  There are several ways to do this and my preferred way is to rely on God and Jesus Christ.  I ponder on the concept that God always provides our needs and always does it on time.  If I don't already have something then I don't actually need it at that time.  Caveat: I'm not saying that I don't have unmet desires and deep ones at that, I just choose to not call those needs while doing this.  I trust God and His plan for me and for those I care about.  Jesus Christ and His power is infinite.  When I turn to Him and follow His lead, He heals all wounds that I receive or cause (of course helping where I can), saves me from my self-destructive behavior or obsessions, forgives me, holds me under His wing, shows me perfect love, and casts away all of my fears with His perfect love.  He makes it so that I can confidently say:

I am absolutely safe in Christ.

This means that I can live my life emotionally unarmed and undefended.   This is similar to being vulnerable while feeling safe the whole time.  I can take risks, open up to someone, risk them saying no, etc. and still maintain my feeling of safety.

2. Connect with my own emotions and desires

I try to take the time to increase my own self-awareness.  Rather than escaping my emotions, arguing with them (judging myself for having them), or acting them out, I just look at them.  I feel them.  I allow them to be.  I listen to what they are teaching me about myself.  I try to identify the thoughts and beliefs that are causing them.  I work through them (e.g. using TheWork.com).  I get clear on what my desires are for myself and others.  I really connect with my own emotions and desires.  I try to avoid diluting those by putting too much focus on my opinions, expectations, judgments, and concerns.

Connecting with myself brings me a deep sense of balance and peace.  It is self-love.  It fills my bucket and gives me energy and capacity to connect with and lift others.

3. Dive into their reality

At this point, I try to put myself into their shoes.  The easiest way to do this is to temporarily let go of my own reality.  This is ok because someone's reality isn't controversial - it's simply where they are, and I am still me and can go back to my reality anytime I want.  I try to leave behind any judgments, beliefs, opinions, and ego, and dive into their reality.  I remind myself that I am absolutely safe.  Because of that, I can do this completely unarmed and undefended.  I try to completely listen to what they have described in the past and how they have behaved, and imagine what it would be like to be them.  For any behavior that is confusing, I try to look deeper for what would lead to that behavior.  I then approach them and fully listen to what they are saying, allowing their words and body language to fill in any blanks and refine the reality that I sense they have.  

4. Empathize

Now that I am in their reality, I try to connect with their emotions.  How would I feel in their shoes?  What would I desire?  As I discover these feelings and desires, I try to put them into words and say them to the other person.  My goal is to help them feel truly understand and "felt."  Even if I'm wrong, they will likely welcome my effort, and happily correct me.  The moment that they truly feel understood and "felt" is wonderful.  That is a moment when real connection takes place.  That is a moment when walls between us can begin to weaken and healing can even start to happen.  

This is meeting them where they are...as long as I don't then argue with it...  I might be tempted to argue with their reality because although we have connected and they feel understood, I might not want them to stay there.  I might want to take them to my reality and invite them to stay... That is a really bad idea.  It is absolutely ok for them to be where they are.  They, just like the rest of us, are on a journey.  Their journey will include learning and growing, but might not be how we would plan it.  We need to trust them in their journey.  God (or a higher power) has a plan for them.  Their journey will be line-upon-line, step-by-step, not by teleporting to where we are.

5. Lift

While in their reality, I can ponder to myself and identify what I desire for them, and how I'm feeling.  This doesn't mean to reconcile their reality with my own or bring judgment.  This is feeling compassion for them, and wanting the best for them.  This is desiring to serve and lift them in ways that they are ready for and even looking for.  With these desires, I do what I can to gently lift them up.  There are several ways to do this:

1. I can say something like, "I don't even know what to stay right now.  I'm just so glad you told me." - Brené Brown.
2. I can share with them my feelings and the desires that I have for them, without any time pressure or any expectations.
3. I can express appreciation for their companionship, for what they have done for me and for people I care about, and for how much I enjoy having them in my life.
4. I can praise them for just holding their space, their effort, their goodness, their talents, and anything else.
5. I can be interested in them, talking with them about their interests, desires, fears, successes, and struggles.
6. If they are a stranger, I can help them feel like (and literally be) a personal friend.
7. I can give them insightful, considerate advice.
8. I can just care about them.
9. I can help them in any way I can that they would welcome.  Rather than asking if there's anything I can do, I can suggest some specific ways like "Can I pick up some milk for you at the store?" or "Can I watch the kids for a bit so you can rest or get out of the house?"
10. I can support them and provide strength.  This doesn't even need words - I can just sit with them so they aren't alone.
11. I can thirst for knowledge from them.  I can ask them how they are making it though this, or what they have learned.
12. I can ask them questions to broaden their mind in line-upon-line ways, while I am attentive to what they are ready to consider.
13. I can share stories with them, attentive to what they take from them (based on their readiness).
14. I can praise God (or a higher power).  Praising God is contagious and non-confrontational and can soften hearts and their ego's hold on them.

You always have a choice in how you treat people.

"Meeting someone where they are" in a healthy way is not for the faint of heart, but every effort is worth it.  As a side-note, this is not license for me to judge someone else for how well they do or don't do this.  I wish I did all of these things fluently and did them always.  I am a slow learner, but at least I know what I want to do and how I want to be.  I want to help people not feel alone, and I want to help.  I am a work in progress and I find joy through growth.