Questioning your faith?

I personally, as well as some of my family and dear friends, have struggled at times with questioning our faith in God or in His church.  This can be such a difficult experience.  It can also be hard on loved ones.  I've found that in the end, it always seems to be a very personal choice.

In my own struggle, I've had to dig deep and take leaps of faith instead of just relying on my own reasoning.  After doing so, I've had very spiritual and enlightening experiences that have solidified my faith and given me full reassurance such that my doubts either disappear or are set aside as non-critical.

I am no expert in helping others in their struggles, and I know that what works for me often may not work for others.  If you have ideas that you have found work well, please let me know.  In spite of my limits, I have a great desire to help in any way that I can, so here goes for what it's worth:

Check out this article on uncertainty: http://rebootauthentic.com/discomfort-and-uncertainty/

Here are some questions you could consider (intellectually, emotionally and spiritually).

1. What do you truly, deeply want out of your life?
2. What has brought you true happiness and peace in your life?
3. What are all the things you have felt in your heart to be true through God's spirit (see Moroni 10:3-5, Gal 5:22-23, and D&C 9:7-9)?
4. What are all the times that you have seen or felt God being active in your life?
5. What are all the things you love about the gospel?
6. What are all the things you love about God's church?
7. Being brutally honest with yourself, what conflicts of interest, motives, biases, or tendencies do you have that could impact your perspective?  Could these impact you or your family's fulfillment and happiness in life?
8. What things bother you even though you're sure they are untrue?
9. What are all the things that church leaders or members have done in God's name that you believe God did not want them to do?  Can you see their perspective and why they may have done those things?  Do you have enough context to do that, considering the diversity in culture, societal values, ignorance, laws, personality, tendencies, personal issues, etc?  Can you accept that they are human mistakes and allow yourself to forgive them or at least accept that these things do not affect the truth of the gospel or God's church?  
10. What are all the things that you believe God did cause, or were His will, that bother you?  Can you trust that God is wiser than you (see Isaiah 55:9)?  This leap of faith can be very challenging but is also greatly rewarding (see Ether 12:6).  There is a level of maturity where you understand that doing or saying certain things that you know will hurt someone, but through doing or saying them with love and courage will deepen relationships and help reduce judgment and fear in both directions.  God knows all things and loves us with immense intensity.
11. What are all the things that God has allowed to happen that bother you?  Can you trust God that in His wisdom He does not stop us from doing what we choose (see 2 Ne 2:16, Alma 29:4, & Alma 14:10-13)?  What experiences have you had where He has taken bad situations and used them for your good (see Romans 8:28)?
12. What things are you unsure if they are true or not?  Is it worth it to figure out which of the previously mentioned categories each of them will go into?  Is there another category that is missing here?

Weigh the importance that each of these categories has to you, and then ask yourself:

• Do you believe that God exists?  
• Do you believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true?
• Do you believe that the scriptures are true (at least what has not been corrupted later)?
• Do you believe that "His church" is ordained and guided by Him through (imperfect) leaders who He has chosen? 

If you are unsure, with all sincerity and willingness, kneel and ask God for each topic that He will touch your heart if it is true (see Moroni 10:3-5, Gal 5:22-23, and D&C 9:7-9).
Again, this is a personal process.  Take your time, have an open mind, be humble, and listen to your heart.

Interpreting Behavior Red Flags

There are quite a few behavior red flags that are commonly misunderstood.  How often do you see people repeatedly arguing, whining, controlling, demanding, etc.?

Often we write people off who behave in these ways as "having issues".  We tell them to stop doing it and to grow up.   Criticizing them will not help them grow.  These behaviors are a cry for help that all too often we ignore.

Once recognized, the solution is simple.  If someone doesn't feel understood then listen by putting yourself into their shoes.  If they aren't seeing the impact of their actions, hear them out and then share your perspective.  If they don't feel accepted, share God's love for them and invite them to serve in some capacity, accepting them as a person, without judgement or criticism (which doesn't mean you agree with or condone their actions).  If someone is grieving, have compassion on them, be there for them, and listen.

The post on Growing in Love provides a complete framework for helping them to grow in love.
To better understand what listening is, see Listening 101.

If we better interpret behavior, we can make a huge difference in helping people to grow in happiness.

Growing in Love - Examples

The post on "Growing in Love" is has a lot of information.  What does it really look like in everyday life?  I'd like to show this with some examples.

• Unloving: "Leave me alone."
  
  Hearing out: "I need some time alone right now.  Can you find something to do for a bit."
• Unloving: "Don't cry!"
  
  Hearing out: "Why are you crying?  What's wrong?"
• Unloving: "You have to finish your food."
  
  Hearing out: "If we don't finish our food, we end up throwing it away and wasting it.  It's sad for me because I work hard to get and prepare the food.  What can you do to make this better?"
• Unloving: "Give back that toy!  You need to share."
  
  Hearing out: "You really want to play with that cool toy, right?" (wait for response) "It looks pretty fun...  What does Billy want?" (wait for response and, if needed, explain that Billy wants to play with it too)  "What can you do to make this better?"
• Unloving: "I can't believe you wrecked our car!  Were you texting while driving!?!"
  
  Hearing out: "You must be so shaken up!  Wrecks can be so scary.  How are you doing?"  After you listen with love and understanding, ask, "What can we do to make this better?"

These examples are just some that I thought of.  There are an unlimited number of problems.  The whole point is to hear out the problem with love and understanding.  The most important thing is to put yourself into their shoes and help them feel understood.

What I've seen is that taking 10 extra seconds to help someone feel understood has a HUGE impact!  Children who are possessive will suddenly be willing to play together, take turns, offer other toys, etc.  People respond immediately to it in very positive ways.

I'd love to hear about even better ways to address these situations or about other situations that you encounter.  My only desire is that we can all grow in love.

Stories:

• I hear screaming from the other room from my 5 year old son.  I walk in and say "B, you're really sad?" 
  "Yes."
  "What do you want?"
  "I want Jason to not hurt me."
  "Jason hurt you?"
  "Yeah."
  "What does Jason want?"
  He calms down significantly.
  "He wants to not eat the candy."
  "What can you do so that you and him are both happy?"
  "Not have him eat the candy."
  "What else?"
  "Give him a hug."
  "Great idea.  Go ahead."
  

Growing in Love

I have been working for months on understanding how to grow in love and happiness.  I deeply wanted to know about this for my own benefit, for the benefit of my children, and anyone else who could benefit.  This is what came to me, after several major revisions, combining information from many good sources.  This process is, I believe, the best way to approach any problem, and a sure path to true growth.  Nothing here is new.  It is the result of piecing together information.  The path to growth is simple and paved with love.  Below each step are two lists.  The left is how to do the step, and the right is what the result can be.

Steps:

1) Know about a Problem

We are surrounded by problems.  They can ones that we've caused, ones that came upon us, are afflicting loved ones, are long-term issues that may never actually go away, discord, disagreements, mistakes, concerns, local or foreign poverty, politics, confusion, or anything else.  Problems are where growth begins.  "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger."  "No pain, no gain."

Avoid) Be Selfish

This step is always available.  It is human nature to be selfish.  It is rampant in the word today.  It is the root cause of the large majority of problems that exist.  It is the "easy way".  Rationalizing and minimizing are the doorway.  They soothe our guilt and conscience to enable us to entertain it.  We are enticed to do it from many sides.  

Pure love eliminates all selfishness, fear, comparison, and forcefulness.

Selfishness leads to misery in all of its forms.

2) Hear out the Problem with Love and Understanding

Why do people argue, whine, get angry, abuse, distrust, deceive, and rebel?  They don't feel a connection.  They don't feel understood.  They feel alone.  They don't feel loved.  The solution is simple.  Hear out the problem with love and understanding.

For problems that involve others, start by (1) hearing them out.  Don't just listen with your ears.  Put yourself into their shoes.  Imagine what their situation feels like.  If you can't seem to make sense of something, ask them about it, with genuine caring.  Don't judge, criticize, or get defensive.  Don't make them feel like they're trapped in a corner or start any kind of power struggle because that will only make them feel forced into a fight or flight response.  Don't try to think about what you're going to say.  Just stop and listen.  Don't ask questions you already know the answers to.  There's no script for this.  You will find that by doing the effort to put yourself into their shoes, the lights will turn on, and you will begin to understand.  When you visualize yourself in their shoes, your naturally incredible mind will take everything in, including their body language, their tone, their words, the words they aren't saying, and the details you know about their lives.  You can even do this even if they're not around you by recalling conversations you've had in the past.

Put yourself into their shoes and share what you see/feel there.  When they are defensive or arguing, that's showing a need to feel understood and loved!  It also shows that you're not really listening to them.  Point out sincerely that "I could be wrong" (even if you feel sure). Asap, apologize for not listening better.

Once you feel like you understand their perspective, (2) reflect it back in a way can feel that you do.  Show genuine compassion.  Faking this won't fool anyone!  You don't have to regurgitate everything they said.  It can be as simple as, "Wow!"  It could be summarizing what they've told you in a sentence.  It could be telling them a similar experience you've had or know of.  It could be a hug with no words at all.

Their perspective is often not representative of the whole problem.  (3) Help them to do the same about others involved, if any.  Examples: "Why do you think they did that?"  "What are they wanting?"  "What would you be thinking if you were in their shoes?"  

After others' have been shared, (4) share you own perspective.  This includes your love for them, your needs, your desires, your hopes, your feelings, your observations of what occurred (not your derived conclusions - simply stating facts, especially stating the problem), and your fears.  Claim the blame for mistakes you may have done.  Do NOT include judgement, blame, options, or decisions.  You cannot force them to learn or agree.  Sharing your perspective opens you up, makes you vulnerable, and provides the path to stronger relationships.  Walls come down and you feel a stronger connection to each other.  Everyone involved in this process has a much clearer understanding of the problem and each other.

Sticking to sharing feelings and observations mitigates, or even eliminates, arguments.
Share your perspective (observations, thoughts and beliefs) based on current and past observations and experiences.  Don't poke, prod, accuse, command (such as "stop lying!"), or be repetitive.  If you find that they don't want to listen to your thoughts, they probably don't not feel like you care much about them.  "They won't care how much you know until they know how much you care."  Be sure that they feel your love for them first.

Amazingly, the problem is often totally solved at this point.  So many problems boil down to misunderstandings.  In these cases, by simply understanding, the problem is gone!

For projects, this is the phase of gathering requirements.  By hearing out the needs of the end-users, and sharing each other's perspectives, you arrive at a clear understanding of the core problem to address.

3) Discover and Consider Options

...Allow them to take responsibility for the problem.  They can learn from your perspective and others' if they want to.  Controlling them robs them of growth instead of fostering it.

4) Decide to Love 

...

5) Act with Love

...

6) Evaluate Outcome

...

Dealing with Negative Criticism (The Big Red Balloon)

Dealing with a flood of negative criticism can be very unnerving.  It brings a whole new meaning to the word "patience".

When I was a missionary (for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), I had an unforgettable experience.  My companion and I were walking down a street and we heard someone calling, "Elders!"  I got excited.  We didn't know them, yet just by how they addressed us, they seemed to know about us and what we do.  They invited us to come onto their porch where a small group of people were sitting.  They seemed pleasant and we started to get to know them a little.

When we asked them if they'd like to hear our message, they started criticizing our beliefs.  It wasn't a few concerns, it was an outpouring of rude criticism.  I immediately wanted to get out of there.  I wanted to cordially excuse ourselves since they were clearly not interested, however I couldn't get a word in edgewise.  I finally stood up, and interrupted them between their hurtful words to let them know we were going.

When we had made it down the street, my companion asked me why I'd gotten so mad.  I was startled at his question.  I knew that I hadn't yelled, insulted, or stormed off.  When I asked him what he meant, he explained that they could tell I was upset.  That's what they had wanted and I gave it to them.

I felt embarrassed to have done that, but I was confused.  What else could I have done?  Just sit there?  What good would that do?  I'd rather visit people who were interested in our message.  I couldn't stop thinking about it though...

Suddenly a thought came to my mind: I should have remained peaceful.  Patience isn't about waiting for my turn or putting up with something annoying.  It's about feeling peace in the midst of difficult circumstances.  If I could have remained calm, I could have been an example of love, acceptance of others, and had the opportunity to share my testimony and feelings about the gospel with them.

But how?  How could I possibly remain calm in the midst of such attacks?  I had to somehow not take their words personally.  I had to see them for what they were, and keep my perspective clear.

That's when the thought came about a big red balloon.  I could visualize that they had a red balloon, starting out empty, in their mouths.  Then, as they talked, the words would go into the balloon.  The more they talked, the more it would fill up, but the whole time, I would be safe from being hurt.  I could encourage them to get it all out by asking them about things that I didn't quite understand, and asking if there was anything else.  By allowing them to fill up the balloon, they will get to the point where they would feel heard.  Then, I could partially deflate the balloon by bringing up points that we agree with.  At that point, I could calmly, and sincerely ask if they would like to hear our message.  If they declined, I could at least share my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Knowing that I could have peace through a barrage of insults and attacks gave me greater confidence.  I wasn't afraid of criticizing words.  Instead, they would give me a chance to pass along the unconditional love that I feel from Christ.