Selfishness or self-love?

How many of us have been taught that we should not be selfish? This teaching is found in several religions, including modern Christianity. However, there are many misconceptions around selfishness. The term may be causing more harm than good. No one wants to be labeled as selfish. That label causes distrust and often leads to criticism and further judgment. How much do we do to avoid that? How far will our fear of being selfish take us? Do we avoid being vulnerable and open so people won't see how we really are? Do we gossip to get the focus off of ourselves? Do we do things that make us look generous? Do we vow to never do something for ourselves and when we inevitably do, then punish ourselves with guilt, shame, and self-hate? Have we given up our own identity so we don't even know who we are anymore? Every single person sees life from their own lens. We are not able to read minds or trade bodies, so in reality, our entire existence revolves around ourselves. We are the center of our universe. In a very literal sense, we are all self-centered. Even people who are incredibly generous and giving still make their decisions based on their own reality and perspective. They have to decide what they'll do based on their own capacity and desires. In learning from others, we have to reconcile teachings with our own perspective to integrate them into our own belief system. We only put to use those beliefs and teachings that we integrate into our perspective and understanding. There is a term similar to selfishness called self-love. Self-love means taking care of our own needs and not sacrificing our well-being to please others. The classic example is when a flight attendant explains to the passengers on board that they should first put an oxygen mask on themselves and then help others with theirs. Another example of this is the concept that we can't fill others' buckets if our own bucket is empty. How many of us even have a full bucket right now? It appears that most everyone is suffering. According to the National Science Foundation, an average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are repetitive thoughts. Do we consistently take care of these thoughts by inspecting them, questioning them, becoming aware of the issues, and then addressing them? Or, do we push the snooze button on these issues by escaping through coping mechanisms such as entertainment, indulgence, or harmful practices? Some people call this selfishness. I just call it suffering and misery. If we were really focusing on just ourselves would we settle for that kind of existence? If we were completely selfish, why would we be worried about what other people think? If we were absorbed with ourselves why would we ever live like that? That would be ridiculous. That kind of life is just suffering. If we were wrapped up in ourselves wouldn't we do things that we actually wanted to do beyond just coping with and escaping suffering? Even beyond our fear of being labeled selfish, we don't even want to see ourselves as selfish. We do what we can to avoid that as well. When we give up our own desires, hopes, and dreams in the name of unselfishness we do ourselves and the world a great disservice. We are voluntarily emptying our buckets and playing a martyr, only to be followed by years of emptiness, suffering, and coping while we barely live. We then guilt and shame ourselves as we see how little we are capable of doing for others. In our suffering, we look at those around us who should unselfishly help us and when they don't (for similar reasons), we judge them and may even reject them. What is it that fills our own bucket? Does pushing the snooze button on issues fill our bucket? Does playing video games, watching TV, scrolling through social media, eating comfort foods, or oversleeping fill our bucket? Not at all. Personally, after a long time of indulging in sweets, TV, and other escapes I find myself at least as irritable as when I started. I believe that all of us have a desire to make a difference in the world. We want to matter. We want to create something meaningful. We find joy and fulfillment in using our abilities and talents. We want to do things that make us feel good. We want to feel connected to others. Many of these actions also happen to lift others, make people's lives better, and bring smiles to their faces. However, even if they take them for granted or don't even notice, we can still find satisfaction in doing something that we believe matters. These activities fill our buckets. They are exhilarating. They bring out our passions for living. What do we call this? We are literally doing things that serve ourselves. Is it selfishness? Is it self-love? Would it be better to not seek these things and instead deny ourselves of what we really want to do? Would it be better to focus on actions that benefit others while they drain us to the point of being burnt out? Did you know that the word selfish doesn't appear even once in the Bible? It doesn't even appear in the Book of Mormon. The term selfishness is linked to many concepts such as greed, pride (in the biblical sense), ingratitude, enmity, and coveting. All of those are clearly bad; they are associated with comparison, and "comparison is the thief of joy." (Theodore Roosevelt) Breaking the term down can help bring clarification. Consider unhealthy concepts such as self-conceit, self-pity, self-gratification, and self-seeking. (A suggestion I have is to replace "selfish" with "egocentric," which focuses on the core of the problem: the ego.) Now consider healthy concepts such as self-love, self-care, self-esteem, self-improvement, self-awareness, and self-motivation. It's important to not put all of these into the same category.

I think that the term selfishness is very misunderstood. There is an epidemic of people living in misery due to the fear of being selfish. The second great commandment in the Bible doesn't say "love your neighbor more than yourself." It says to love your neighbor AS yourself. The more you love yourself, the more full your bucket will be to be able to love others that same amount. If you struggle with loving yourself, I suggest following the first great commandment of loving God. He loves you more than you can ever imagine, and He will show you how you are magnificent as His very own creation.

Do you want a better life but don't see how to do it? See https://www.facebook.com/EricPabst.LifeCoach.

Dealing with Negative Criticism (The Big Red Balloon)

Dealing with a flood of negative criticism can be very unnerving.  It brings a whole new meaning to the word "patience".

When I was a missionary (for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), I had an unforgettable experience.  My companion and I were walking down a street and we heard someone calling, "Elders!"  I got excited.  We didn't know them, yet just by how they addressed us, they seemed to know about us and what we do.  They invited us to come onto their porch where a small group of people were sitting.  They seemed pleasant and we started to get to know them a little.

When we asked them if they'd like to hear our message, they started criticizing our beliefs.  It wasn't a few concerns, it was an outpouring of rude criticism.  I immediately wanted to get out of there.  I wanted to cordially excuse ourselves since they were clearly not interested, however I couldn't get a word in edgewise.  I finally stood up, and interrupted them between their hurtful words to let them know we were going.

When we had made it down the street, my companion asked me why I'd gotten so mad.  I was startled at his question.  I knew that I hadn't yelled, insulted, or stormed off.  When I asked him what he meant, he explained that they could tell I was upset.  That's what they had wanted and I gave it to them.

I felt embarrassed to have done that, but I was confused.  What else could I have done?  Just sit there?  What good would that do?  I'd rather visit people who were interested in our message.  I couldn't stop thinking about it though...

Suddenly a thought came to my mind: I should have remained peaceful.  Patience isn't about waiting for my turn or putting up with something annoying.  It's about feeling peace in the midst of difficult circumstances.  If I could have remained calm, I could have been an example of love, acceptance of others, and had the opportunity to share my testimony and feelings about the gospel with them.

But how?  How could I possibly remain calm in the midst of such attacks?  I had to somehow not take their words personally.  I had to see them for what they were, and keep my perspective clear.

That's when the thought came about a big red balloon.  I could visualize that they had a red balloon, starting out empty, in their mouths.  Then, as they talked, the words would go into the balloon.  The more they talked, the more it would fill up, but the whole time, I would be safe from being hurt.  I could encourage them to get it all out by asking them about things that I didn't quite understand, and asking if there was anything else.  By allowing them to fill up the balloon, they will get to the point where they would feel heard.  Then, I could partially deflate the balloon by bringing up points that we agree with.  At that point, I could calmly, and sincerely ask if they would like to hear our message.  If they declined, I could at least share my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Knowing that I could have peace through a barrage of insults and attacks gave me greater confidence.  I wasn't afraid of criticizing words.  Instead, they would give me a chance to pass along the unconditional love that I feel from Christ.

How to Progress! - Practical Repentance

As a parent, I want to help my children to learn and grow as much as I can.  My thoughts from my recent post on "Motivation to Change for the Better" got be looking for a simple exercise that could help anyone (myself and my children included) to truly grow and progress.  This is a work in progress at this point, but has shown very good results already:

On a piece of paper, claim the blame.  This means ONLY write what YOU did wrong.  This should not include anything that anyone else did that was bad.

Next write 5 levels of disadvantages.  To do this, write one reason of why doing it was bad (i.e. a disadvantage).  That reason is considered level 1. Then, about that reason, answer the question, "What's so bad about that?"  This deeper reason is considered level 2.  Repeat until you have 5 levels for that disadvantages.  Then come up with a different disadvantage and do 5 levels for it.  Repeat until you can't think of any other disadvantages.

Now write all of the excuses, rationalizations, and minimizations that come to mind about why what you did isn't such a big deal.  Leave room after each one.

Then after each excuse/rationalization/minimization, answer the question, "Why isn't this a good reason to do what I did?"

The last step is not written.  Read and reread all that you've written, letting it penetrate and motivate you to truly change and to repair the damage you've caused.  When you've done it enough, you'll know because you'll feel a pit in your stomach for what you've done.  You'll feel willing to take whatever consequence and embarrassment that you deserve.  You'll be willing to confess your actions to whoever was directly affected.  You'll feel more than willing to repair all the damage.  You will have a conviction to do much better in the future.  You are truly growing and progressing toward your potential.

Listening 101 for Men :)

The title is a tease; in my experience, men are typically much worse listeners compared to women.  In fact, I have been one of the worst.  I recently gained a whole new perspective on listening and would like to share what I wish I had understood before.  The sad thing is that I'd heard it all before, but it was either too foreign, too overwhelming, or didn't seem to apply to me.

As I see it, it's a total miracle that we can communicate at all.  We start with some concept in our minds.  We translate it into words.  We turn the words into phonetics.  We make our tongues and mouths turn those phenetics into the corresponding sounds.  The sounds travel through the air, making it past noise and other competing sounds.  Another person's eardrum vibrates from the sounds.  They interpret those sounds into phonetics.  They combine the phonetics to identify words.  They interpret the words into concepts.  They then reconcile those concepts with their knowledge and understanding, and repeat the process in the reverse to respond.  At any one of these steps, the process can fail causing miscommunication.

I used to be totally satisfied with myself if I even made it through these steps.  Come to find out, there's actually much more to it than that.

True listening is more than interpreting concepts from sounds.  It involves putting ourselves into their shoes.  Only in that way are we able to go beyond what they're saying.  We can see why they're saying it, why they're saying it at that time, why they aren't saying something else, why they're using the tone that they are, why they're positioning their body in that way, with those gestures, with that speed, with those pauses and inflections, and other nuances that provide so much more meaning than just words.  Trying to ask all of these questions with every sentence that they speak would slow the communication to a crawl.  It's not practical to do it that way.  Truly, we must imagine ourselves in their shoes.

Each one of us has the capability within our mind and heart to take this leap.  It requires focus.  We can't be multitasking in splitting our attention.  We can't be thinking of how we'll respond.  We can't be defensive.  We must be open.  We must be accepting.  We should make eye contact.  We must set aside our own hopes, dreams, selfishness, pride, and agendas and simply seek to understand.  In understanding, we can begin to see their intentions, their hopes, their fears, and their passions.

Relationships are essential to the meaning of life.  Relationships can't grow if we don't grow in understanding the other.  Even more, they wither or die if we don't put the effort into remembering what the other person has shared with us.  If after each conversation, we forget what they've told us, where must the next conversation start?  Will the other person be open to repeating basic information of their name, their occupation, where they live, their family situation?  How often will they put up with this?  When will they give up and write you off as shallow, uncaring, and someone who wastes their time?  In remembering at least the key information that they share with us, the relationship has a foundation and structure to build on.  As we put more and more time and effort into learning about them and understanding them, it can flourish and create real meaning in your life.  It reaches well beyond the shallow into the sweet deepness of real friendship.

My wife is a great example of someone you truly listens.  In just a few minutes with someone, they make a meaningful connection.  It used to baffle me.  After just meeting a store clerk, the clerk would offer a friends and family discount when she checked out.  She didn't see people as a simple role of being a waitress, a policeman, a teacher, etc.  She would put herself in their shoes, see them as a whole person with the complexities of life.  She would then share her thoughts and feelings and like magic, they'd reach a mutual understanding and respect for each other.

Listening is key to any meaningful relationship.  Join me in giving up the idea that it's too difficult, complicated, or foreign to listen at a much greater level.  It is simple.  It is the effort to put ourselves into their shoes that takes us all the way from here to there.

How to Get the Motivation to Change for the Better

Marriage has been an eye-opening experience for me.  I thought I was a really good guy with very few shortcomings.  However, with the honesty, love, and openness of my amazing wife, I have learned a myriad of areas in which I could change for the better.

Some changes were easy.  Simply being aware of them was enough to make the needed adjustments. However, to change in other areas was daunting.  I didn't know how to change and I didn't know why it was important for me to change in those ways.  Certainly, I'd love to make my wife happier, but wasn't she asking too much?!?

My defensiveness, stubbornness, and lack of motivation were preventing me from progressing.  I found myself emotionally disconnected in my relationships.  I knew that it wasn't healthy.

I decided that I wanted the desire to change.  In praying for help, God told me to find the answer in "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W. Kimball.  I looked through the chapter titles and found "Chapter 11. Conviction--the Awakening".  As I read, I got from it that my conscience (aka the Light of Christ) along with the scriptures should be enough to get me to the point of feeling godly sorrow.  Godly sorrow is different than worldly sorrow, which is basically the sorrow of getting caught and/or of having to pay the consequences.  Instead, godly sorrow is an intense understanding of just how wrong an act was, a realization of the hurt that resulted, and even the desire to pay the consequences.

The book even said that if we truly feel godly sorrow, it will motivate us to go through the rest of the repentance process which includes pleading for forgiveness from Our Heavenly Father, repairing what we have done to the extent possible, stopping the behavior, forgiving others, and doing our best to obey God's commandments.

I wasn't feeling godly sorrow.  I was feeling pressured to change by others when that desire should be coming from within.  I read on because I needed to know how to get to that point.  It explained that rationalization and minimization rob us of the motivation to change.  They stop us from feeling godly sorrow.  That was the key!!  I was well-practiced at rationalization and minimization.  I did it all the time.

When I realized that what I needed to do was to stop rationalizing and minimizing, my life took a turn for the better.  I was able to have my eyes finally open to the hurt I had caused.  I was able to awaken the previously numb feeling in my heart.  If it weren't for my understanding and faith in the Jesus Christ and His Atonement, I could have despaired, but instead I welcomed these painful feelings, knowing that they would help me make major changes in my life.  I knew that at any time, I could call upon my Savior to find the great relief of His forgiveness.  But during this time, I wanted the pain to cleanse me of my selfishness and pride, and change me into someone who truly, deeply cared about each person around me as individuals.

I could feel my heart breaking, softening, and melting.  I no longer wanted to behave like I had in the past.  I wanted to make up for the wrongs I had done.  I had previously feared hearing criticism (which is often the hurt in others) as I opened myself to them, but now I considered it as part of righting my wrongs.  Allowing them to detoxify by sharing with me their frustrations about me, could open the door to healing for them, which I desperately desired.

The simple change to stop minimizing and rationalizing my actions, together with my faith in Jesus Christ, gave me all the motivation I needed.

The Cause of Frustration

When I'm frustrated, it's hard for me to think clearly.  I feel impatient, angry, dissatisfied, and usually express myself in unhealthy ways.  I had an epiphany and realized that when I'm frustrated, it's because there's something I don't know.  That is probably the healthiest way to look at it.  That way, I can focus my energy on figuring out what I don't know, and asking the appropriate question(s).

Examples:

1. If I'm frustrated that my child isn't cooperating, I probably don't know why they aren't.  I need to stop and ask them how they're doing and what they're experiencing.
2. If I'm frustrated by someone asking me a question, it might be because I think I should know the answer but I don't.  I could let them know that I don't know, that I'll try to figure it out, and get back to them.
3. If I'm frustrated that someone hasn't done what they said they would, I don't know why they didn't.  I need to talk to them and really listen so I can understand and maybe even help them in some way.
4. If I'm frustrated because my disciplining hasn't helped a child to improve their behavior, I don't know what I could do to help them better.  I need to do some research and/or ask around to get more discipline ideas that may get better results.

There are so many more situations this applies to.  

Don't stay frustrated.  Call it what it is.  Realize you don't know something, figure out what you don't know, and find out that information.