Parenting is so full of problems. These problems can sometimes drive you crazy, overwhelm you, weigh on you heavily, and bring you down to tears. We as parents usually flare up when we've run out of ideas, often resulting in all kinds of damage. I deeply want to help myself and all other parents have simple, effective approaches that will unite the family and help all to grow in love.
Dieter F. Uchtdorf said:
"It is true that fear can have a powerful influence over our actions and behavior. But that influence tends to be temporary and shallow. Fear rarely has the power to change our hearts, and it will never transform us into people who love what is right...People who are fearful may say and do the right things, but they do not feel the right things. They often feel helpless and resentful, even angry. Over time these feelings lead to mistrust, defiance, even rebellion..."There may be moments when we are tempted to justify our actions by believing that the end justifies the means. We might even think that to be controlling, manipulative, and harsh will be for the good of others. Not so, for the Lord has made it clear that “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, [and] temperance.”"...if we ever find ourselves living in fear or anxiety, or if we ever find that our own words, attitudes, or actions are causing fear in others, I pray with all the strength of my soul that we may become liberated from this fear by the divinely appointed antidote to fear: the pure love of Christ, for “perfect love casteth out fear.”" - Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear
I love finding simple approaches with basic principles and steps so that anyone can understand and apply them. Here are a few very simple principles that have changed my world as a parent (and even apply to many other areas of life).
Principle #2: Love is the solution to every problem. We need to find out where love is needed.
Principle #1: Problems are critical to our progress to become better. Problems are a starting point for growth.
Principle #2: Love is the solution to every problem. We need to find out where love is needed.
Principle #3: When there are bad feelings between people, someone is not feeling understood.
Here are some very simple steps to apply these principles (an example provided):
1. Realize that they are suffering.
- Almost all "bad behavior" is a result of suffering. (Another common cause is ignorance). By seeing that they are suffering, you will more likely feel compassion and "take your walls down". That simple step can make all the difference in the world in how you interact with them.
- Time: This will probably only take seconds.
2. Help one person feel understood.
- Make sure you are calm enough to do this.
- Get their attention (if they resist, let them know you want everyone involved to be happy).
- Find out what they want, putting yourself into their shoes, and listening with love. Often just noticing is enough and no question is needed.
- Help them feel understood by restating as a question, with empathy. This helps them to immediately feel understood, calm down, "take their walls down", and open themselves up to listening.
- Time: This can take as little as 2 sentences from you.
- "Hold on guys... Preston, what are you wanting right now?" (wait for answer)
- "You want to _______
?" (wait for answer) - "Why?" -OR- "I can see why you want to, you love doing that.
" (i.e. show empathy in some way)
3. Involve that person to help the other person feel understood.
- Ask them what the others want. If they don't know, they can always ask. If struggling, encourage the other person to share their perspective.
- Time: This can take as little as 1 sentence from you.
- (You) "What does Holly want?"
- (Preston) "I don't know"
- (You) "How about if you ask her?"
- (Preston) "What do you want, Holly?"
- (Holly) "I want ____________
" - (You) "Preston, will you please help Holly feel understood? Try describing to her what she wants and why."
- (Preston) "You want _____
because ____, right ?" - (Holly) "Yes"
4. Ask: "What can you do to help both of you be happy?"
- Have faith in their ability to find such a solution. If they don't know or they want help, share your perspective with love, offering ideas. Encourage any idea that results in all of you being happy.
- Follow up to verify that both are happy. Congratulate and express your own happiness.
- If it involves a commitment going forward, help set a time frame to something short like 24 hours, then gradually extend, following up each time. When they complete commitments even partially, get excited and ask them how they did it.
- Time: This can take as little as 2-3 sentences from you.
- (You) "Preston, what can you do to help you and Holly both be happy" (wait for answer)
- (Preston) "I don't know"
- (You) "How about if you ________
?" (Preston) "Ok. Holly, how about if we ______?" (Holly) Ok. (You) "OK, are you both happy now?" (wait for answer) (Preston) "Yeah." (Holly) "Yeah." (You) "Great job, guys!!! I love it seeing you both be happy."
With this very simple technique, the problem can be solved, feelings remedied, and all of you being happy!!! It can sometimes take as few as 5-6 sentences from you! This same approach applies if you yourself are the other person involved in the situation. This approach works even in difficult situations. It avoids any kind of punishment; punishments distract from learning. It avoids deferring to rules; rules are not some set of unbreakable rules. If feelings are too elevated, consider having a short break to allow everyone to calm down first. If they still totally refuse to cooperate, go to plan B which may involve loss of privileges, extra chores, some form of self-evaluation exercise, being stuck somewhere (traditional time-out), or other punishment. Express your sadness in doing so, in that you hate punishing, and would much rather talk it through with love and understanding so all of you are happy.
