Selfishness or self-love?

How many of us have been taught that we should not be selfish? This teaching is found in several religions, including modern Christianity. However, there are many misconceptions around selfishness. The term may be causing more harm than good. No one wants to be labeled as selfish. That label causes distrust and often leads to criticism and further judgment. How much do we do to avoid that? How far will our fear of being selfish take us? Do we avoid being vulnerable and open so people won't see how we really are? Do we gossip to get the focus off of ourselves? Do we do things that make us look generous? Do we vow to never do something for ourselves and when we inevitably do, then punish ourselves with guilt, shame, and self-hate? Have we given up our own identity so we don't even know who we are anymore? Every single person sees life from their own lens. We are not able to read minds or trade bodies, so in reality, our entire existence revolves around ourselves. We are the center of our universe. In a very literal sense, we are all self-centered. Even people who are incredibly generous and giving still make their decisions based on their own reality and perspective. They have to decide what they'll do based on their own capacity and desires. In learning from others, we have to reconcile teachings with our own perspective to integrate them into our own belief system. We only put to use those beliefs and teachings that we integrate into our perspective and understanding. There is a term similar to selfishness called self-love. Self-love means taking care of our own needs and not sacrificing our well-being to please others. The classic example is when a flight attendant explains to the passengers on board that they should first put an oxygen mask on themselves and then help others with theirs. Another example of this is the concept that we can't fill others' buckets if our own bucket is empty. How many of us even have a full bucket right now? It appears that most everyone is suffering. According to the National Science Foundation, an average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are repetitive thoughts. Do we consistently take care of these thoughts by inspecting them, questioning them, becoming aware of the issues, and then addressing them? Or, do we push the snooze button on these issues by escaping through coping mechanisms such as entertainment, indulgence, or harmful practices? Some people call this selfishness. I just call it suffering and misery. If we were really focusing on just ourselves would we settle for that kind of existence? If we were completely selfish, why would we be worried about what other people think? If we were absorbed with ourselves why would we ever live like that? That would be ridiculous. That kind of life is just suffering. If we were wrapped up in ourselves wouldn't we do things that we actually wanted to do beyond just coping with and escaping suffering? Even beyond our fear of being labeled selfish, we don't even want to see ourselves as selfish. We do what we can to avoid that as well. When we give up our own desires, hopes, and dreams in the name of unselfishness we do ourselves and the world a great disservice. We are voluntarily emptying our buckets and playing a martyr, only to be followed by years of emptiness, suffering, and coping while we barely live. We then guilt and shame ourselves as we see how little we are capable of doing for others. In our suffering, we look at those around us who should unselfishly help us and when they don't (for similar reasons), we judge them and may even reject them. What is it that fills our own bucket? Does pushing the snooze button on issues fill our bucket? Does playing video games, watching TV, scrolling through social media, eating comfort foods, or oversleeping fill our bucket? Not at all. Personally, after a long time of indulging in sweets, TV, and other escapes I find myself at least as irritable as when I started. I believe that all of us have a desire to make a difference in the world. We want to matter. We want to create something meaningful. We find joy and fulfillment in using our abilities and talents. We want to do things that make us feel good. We want to feel connected to others. Many of these actions also happen to lift others, make people's lives better, and bring smiles to their faces. However, even if they take them for granted or don't even notice, we can still find satisfaction in doing something that we believe matters. These activities fill our buckets. They are exhilarating. They bring out our passions for living. What do we call this? We are literally doing things that serve ourselves. Is it selfishness? Is it self-love? Would it be better to not seek these things and instead deny ourselves of what we really want to do? Would it be better to focus on actions that benefit others while they drain us to the point of being burnt out? Did you know that the word selfish doesn't appear even once in the Bible? It doesn't even appear in the Book of Mormon. The term selfishness is linked to many concepts such as greed, pride (in the biblical sense), ingratitude, enmity, and coveting. All of those are clearly bad; they are associated with comparison, and "comparison is the thief of joy." (Theodore Roosevelt) Breaking the term down can help bring clarification. Consider unhealthy concepts such as self-conceit, self-pity, self-gratification, and self-seeking. (A suggestion I have is to replace "selfish" with "egocentric," which focuses on the core of the problem: the ego.) Now consider healthy concepts such as self-love, self-care, self-esteem, self-improvement, self-awareness, and self-motivation. It's important to not put all of these into the same category.

I think that the term selfishness is very misunderstood. There is an epidemic of people living in misery due to the fear of being selfish. The second great commandment in the Bible doesn't say "love your neighbor more than yourself." It says to love your neighbor AS yourself. The more you love yourself, the more full your bucket will be to be able to love others that same amount. If you struggle with loving yourself, I suggest following the first great commandment of loving God. He loves you more than you can ever imagine, and He will show you how you are magnificent as His very own creation.

Do you want a better life but don't see how to do it? See https://www.facebook.com/EricPabst.LifeCoach.

How to Parent with Love instead of Punishments and Fear

Parenting is so full of problems.  These problems can sometimes drive you crazy, overwhelm you, weigh on you heavily, and bring you down to tears.  We as parents usually flare up when we've run out of ideas, often resulting in all kinds of damage.  I deeply want to help myself and all other parents have simple, effective approaches that will unite the family and help all to grow in love.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf said: 

"It is true that fear can have a powerful influence over our actions and behavior. But that influence tends to be temporary and shallow. Fear rarely has the power to change our hearts, and it will never transform us into people who love what is right...People who are fearful may say and do the right things, but they do not feel the right things. They often feel helpless and resentful, even angry. Over time these feelings lead to mistrust, defiance, even rebellion...

"There may be moments when we are tempted to justify our actions by believing that the end justifies the means. We might even think that to be controlling, manipulative, and harsh will be for the good of others. Not so, for the Lord has made it clear that “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, [and] temperance.”

"...if we ever find ourselves living in fear or anxiety, or if we ever find that our own words, attitudes, or actions are causing fear in others, I pray with all the strength of my soul that we may become liberated from this fear by the divinely appointed antidote to fear: the pure love of Christ, for “perfect love casteth out fear.”" - Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear

I love finding simple approaches with basic principles and steps so that anyone can understand and apply them.  Here are a few very simple principles that have changed my world as a parent (and even apply to many other areas of life).

Principle #1: Problems are critical to our progress to become better.  Problems are a starting point for growth.

Principle #2: Love is the solution to every problem.  We need to find out where love is needed.

Principle #3: When there are bad feelings between people, someone is not feeling understood.

Here are some very simple steps to apply these principles (an example provided): 

1. Realize that they are suffering.

• Almost all "bad behavior" is a result of suffering.  (Another common cause is ignorance).  By seeing that they are suffering, you will more likely feel compassion and "take your walls down".  That simple step can make all the difference in the world in how you interact with them.
• Time: This will probably only take seconds.

2. Help one person feel understood.

• Make sure you are calm enough to do this.
• Get their attention (if they resist, let them know you want everyone involved to be happy). 
• Find out what they want, putting yourself into their shoes, and listening with love.  Often just noticing is enough and no question is needed.
• Help them feel understood by restating as a question, with empathy.  This helps them to immediately feel understood, calm down, "take their walls down", and open themselves up to listening. 
• Time: This can take as little as 2 sentences from you.

• "Hold on guys...  Preston, what are you wanting right now?" (wait for answer)
• "You want to _______?"  (wait for answer)
• "Why?"   -OR-  "I can see why you want to, you love doing that." (i.e. show empathy in some way)

3. Involve that person to help the other person feel understood.

• Ask them what the others want.  If they don't know, they can always ask.  If struggling, encourage the other person to share their perspective.
• Time: This can take as little as 1 sentence from you.

• (You) "What does Holly want?"
• (Preston) "I don't know"
• (You) "How about if you ask her?"
• (Preston) "What do you want, Holly?"
• (Holly) "I want ____________"
• (You) "Preston, will you please help Holly feel understood?  Try describing to her what she wants and why."
• (Preston) "You want _____ because ____, right?"
• (Holly) "Yes"

4. Ask: "What can you do to help both of you be happy?"

• Have faith in their ability to find such a solution.  If they don't know or they want help, share your perspective with love, offering ideas.  Encourage any idea that results in all of you being happy.  
• Follow up to verify that both are happy.  Congratulate and express your own happiness.  
• If it involves a commitment going forward, help set a time frame to something short like 24 hours, then gradually extend, following up each time.  When they complete commitments even partially, get excited and ask them how they did it.
• Time: This can take as little as 2-3 sentences from you.

• (You) "Preston, what can you do to help you and Holly both be happy" (wait for answer)
• (Preston) "I don't know"
• (You) "How about if you ________?"
• (Preston) "Ok.  Holly, how about if we ______?"
• (Holly) Ok.
• (You) "OK, are you both happy now?" (wait for answer)
• (Preston) "Yeah."
• (Holly) "Yeah."
• (You) "Great job, guys!!!  I love it seeing you both be happy."

With this very simple technique, the problem can be solved, feelings remedied, and all of you being happy!!!  It can sometimes take as few as 5-6 sentences from you!  This same approach applies if you yourself are the other person involved in the situation.  This approach works even in difficult situations.  It avoids any kind of punishment; punishments distract from learning.  It avoids deferring to rules; rules are not some set of unbreakable rules.  If feelings are too elevated, consider having a short break to allow everyone to calm down first.  If they still totally refuse to cooperate, go to plan B which may involve loss of privileges, extra chores, some form of self-evaluation exercise, being stuck somewhere (traditional time-out), or other punishment.  Express your sadness in doing so, in that you hate punishing, and would much rather talk it through with love and understanding so all of you are happy.

Dealing with Negative Criticism (The Big Red Balloon)

Dealing with a flood of negative criticism can be very unnerving.  It brings a whole new meaning to the word "patience".

When I was a missionary (for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), I had an unforgettable experience.  My companion and I were walking down a street and we heard someone calling, "Elders!"  I got excited.  We didn't know them, yet just by how they addressed us, they seemed to know about us and what we do.  They invited us to come onto their porch where a small group of people were sitting.  They seemed pleasant and we started to get to know them a little.

When we asked them if they'd like to hear our message, they started criticizing our beliefs.  It wasn't a few concerns, it was an outpouring of rude criticism.  I immediately wanted to get out of there.  I wanted to cordially excuse ourselves since they were clearly not interested, however I couldn't get a word in edgewise.  I finally stood up, and interrupted them between their hurtful words to let them know we were going.

When we had made it down the street, my companion asked me why I'd gotten so mad.  I was startled at his question.  I knew that I hadn't yelled, insulted, or stormed off.  When I asked him what he meant, he explained that they could tell I was upset.  That's what they had wanted and I gave it to them.

I felt embarrassed to have done that, but I was confused.  What else could I have done?  Just sit there?  What good would that do?  I'd rather visit people who were interested in our message.  I couldn't stop thinking about it though...

Suddenly a thought came to my mind: I should have remained peaceful.  Patience isn't about waiting for my turn or putting up with something annoying.  It's about feeling peace in the midst of difficult circumstances.  If I could have remained calm, I could have been an example of love, acceptance of others, and had the opportunity to share my testimony and feelings about the gospel with them.

But how?  How could I possibly remain calm in the midst of such attacks?  I had to somehow not take their words personally.  I had to see them for what they were, and keep my perspective clear.

That's when the thought came about a big red balloon.  I could visualize that they had a red balloon, starting out empty, in their mouths.  Then, as they talked, the words would go into the balloon.  The more they talked, the more it would fill up, but the whole time, I would be safe from being hurt.  I could encourage them to get it all out by asking them about things that I didn't quite understand, and asking if there was anything else.  By allowing them to fill up the balloon, they will get to the point where they would feel heard.  Then, I could partially deflate the balloon by bringing up points that we agree with.  At that point, I could calmly, and sincerely ask if they would like to hear our message.  If they declined, I could at least share my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Knowing that I could have peace through a barrage of insults and attacks gave me greater confidence.  I wasn't afraid of criticizing words.  Instead, they would give me a chance to pass along the unconditional love that I feel from Christ.

How to Progress! - Practical Repentance

As a parent, I want to help my children to learn and grow as much as I can.  My thoughts from my recent post on "Motivation to Change for the Better" got be looking for a simple exercise that could help anyone (myself and my children included) to truly grow and progress.  This is a work in progress at this point, but has shown very good results already:

On a piece of paper, claim the blame.  This means ONLY write what YOU did wrong.  This should not include anything that anyone else did that was bad.

Next write 5 levels of disadvantages.  To do this, write one reason of why doing it was bad (i.e. a disadvantage).  That reason is considered level 1. Then, about that reason, answer the question, "What's so bad about that?"  This deeper reason is considered level 2.  Repeat until you have 5 levels for that disadvantages.  Then come up with a different disadvantage and do 5 levels for it.  Repeat until you can't think of any other disadvantages.

Now write all of the excuses, rationalizations, and minimizations that come to mind about why what you did isn't such a big deal.  Leave room after each one.

Then after each excuse/rationalization/minimization, answer the question, "Why isn't this a good reason to do what I did?"

The last step is not written.  Read and reread all that you've written, letting it penetrate and motivate you to truly change and to repair the damage you've caused.  When you've done it enough, you'll know because you'll feel a pit in your stomach for what you've done.  You'll feel willing to take whatever consequence and embarrassment that you deserve.  You'll be willing to confess your actions to whoever was directly affected.  You'll feel more than willing to repair all the damage.  You will have a conviction to do much better in the future.  You are truly growing and progressing toward your potential.

Listening 101 for Men :)

The title is a tease; in my experience, men are typically much worse listeners compared to women.  In fact, I have been one of the worst.  I recently gained a whole new perspective on listening and would like to share what I wish I had understood before.  The sad thing is that I'd heard it all before, but it was either too foreign, too overwhelming, or didn't seem to apply to me.

As I see it, it's a total miracle that we can communicate at all.  We start with some concept in our minds.  We translate it into words.  We turn the words into phonetics.  We make our tongues and mouths turn those phenetics into the corresponding sounds.  The sounds travel through the air, making it past noise and other competing sounds.  Another person's eardrum vibrates from the sounds.  They interpret those sounds into phonetics.  They combine the phonetics to identify words.  They interpret the words into concepts.  They then reconcile those concepts with their knowledge and understanding, and repeat the process in the reverse to respond.  At any one of these steps, the process can fail causing miscommunication.

I used to be totally satisfied with myself if I even made it through these steps.  Come to find out, there's actually much more to it than that.

True listening is more than interpreting concepts from sounds.  It involves putting ourselves into their shoes.  Only in that way are we able to go beyond what they're saying.  We can see why they're saying it, why they're saying it at that time, why they aren't saying something else, why they're using the tone that they are, why they're positioning their body in that way, with those gestures, with that speed, with those pauses and inflections, and other nuances that provide so much more meaning than just words.  Trying to ask all of these questions with every sentence that they speak would slow the communication to a crawl.  It's not practical to do it that way.  Truly, we must imagine ourselves in their shoes.

Each one of us has the capability within our mind and heart to take this leap.  It requires focus.  We can't be multitasking in splitting our attention.  We can't be thinking of how we'll respond.  We can't be defensive.  We must be open.  We must be accepting.  We should make eye contact.  We must set aside our own hopes, dreams, selfishness, pride, and agendas and simply seek to understand.  In understanding, we can begin to see their intentions, their hopes, their fears, and their passions.

Relationships are essential to the meaning of life.  Relationships can't grow if we don't grow in understanding the other.  Even more, they wither or die if we don't put the effort into remembering what the other person has shared with us.  If after each conversation, we forget what they've told us, where must the next conversation start?  Will the other person be open to repeating basic information of their name, their occupation, where they live, their family situation?  How often will they put up with this?  When will they give up and write you off as shallow, uncaring, and someone who wastes their time?  In remembering at least the key information that they share with us, the relationship has a foundation and structure to build on.  As we put more and more time and effort into learning about them and understanding them, it can flourish and create real meaning in your life.  It reaches well beyond the shallow into the sweet deepness of real friendship.

My wife is a great example of someone you truly listens.  In just a few minutes with someone, they make a meaningful connection.  It used to baffle me.  After just meeting a store clerk, the clerk would offer a friends and family discount when she checked out.  She didn't see people as a simple role of being a waitress, a policeman, a teacher, etc.  She would put herself in their shoes, see them as a whole person with the complexities of life.  She would then share her thoughts and feelings and like magic, they'd reach a mutual understanding and respect for each other.

Listening is key to any meaningful relationship.  Join me in giving up the idea that it's too difficult, complicated, or foreign to listen at a much greater level.  It is simple.  It is the effort to put ourselves into their shoes that takes us all the way from here to there.

How much does God love us?

I recognize God’s and the Savior’s Love, Mercy, and Grace for me. I am so grateful to them.

Note: This is written in terms of "I" so that each of us can read it as it applies to ourselves.

I am a son/daughter of The All-Powerful God. (Eph. 4:6)  He loves me so much that He created this amazing world for me to live on; He loves me so much that He has prepared a plan for me that gives me the opportunity to receive all that He has and become like Him! (D&C

He sent His perfect Son to die for me (John 3:16).  

He has lovingly given me weaknesses to help me be humble so that I will learn to rely on Him.  This reliance will help me to become so much stronger and better than if I had no weaknesses at all. (Ether 12:27) when I am weak then I am strong. (Paul)

He has given me strengths and opportunities so that I can help others, which also helps me feel needed and appreciated.  He has given me the privilege of living in an amazing time of the gospel and church organization on the earth.  As a descendant of Ephraim He has asked me to help in His Work.

He has a plan that includes my help.  He has entrusted His children for me to care for and even teach.

Every day God gives me so much:

He loves me so much that He will listen to me at any moment I choose, and for as long as I want. (3 Nephi 18:15)  He will answer my prayers for my best good.

If I just do my best, He will make up for the rest, including all of my imperfections. (2 Nephi 25:23)  In fact, even if I hadn’t done my best, I can sincerely repent.  In His generous mercy, He will forgive me and forget my mistakes. (Isaiah 1:18)  

He will save me over and over without limit or hesitation.  

He loves me so much that He will prepare each of my days so that I receive the experiences that I need, for the lesson I’m needing to learn,  at each point in my life.  

He loves me so much that He will make sure that any temptation Satan gives me is not more than I can handle, and will provide a way to escape each and every one of them. (1 Cor. 10:13)

When I am humble, He lights the path before me enough for me to advance, and gives me the opportunity to wonder and learn by not showing me the end.

He grants me air, water, food, shelter, and people to associate with.  He teaches me based on the point I am at in my life and to progress by providing situations to learn from, providing tests of my progress, people to step in and help me, words to my soul through His Holy Spirit, millions of His words in the scriptures and from the mouths of latter-day prophets, and always takes my eternal welfare to heart.  He loves me immensely - much more than even my parents or companion.

He has given me my family, my life, this opportunity on Earth, created this amazingly beautiful world, created a plan for me, and even sent His Son to die for me.

I know he loves me more than I will ever be able to understand.

My brothers and sisters, the first great commandment of all eternity is to love God with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength—that’s the first great commandment. But the first great truth of all eternity is that God loves us with all of His heart, might, mind, and strength. That love is the foundation stone of eternity, and it should be the foundation stone of our daily life. Indeed it is only with that reassurance burning in our soul that we can have the confidence to keep trying to improve, keep seeking forgiveness for our sins, and keep extending that grace to our neighbor. ("Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders among You" By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)