How to treat others' ideas

I always thought simply "two minds are better than one". When people would share ideas, suggestions, or thoughts with me, I would find myself comparing them with what I thought, and when they didn't overlap with mine, I'd explain my own perspective and thoughts. I had the thought that we could get all the ideas onto the table and then we could fish through them and find the truth amidst all of it, finding the most important points, discussing them, and analyzing them until hopefully we agreed on some conclusion or agreed to disagree in the matter. This is fine if everyone involved thinks this way, but I've found that this is usually not the case, and sadly, that because I thought this way, I've probably hurt many people over the years. Two minds really are better than one, but there's something vital I was missing.

When someone shares their own ideas and thoughts with us, they are sharing part of themselves. They are going out on a limb, trusting us with part of themselves. If we reply immediately with a contradictory idea, it can really hurt. However, if we treat the ideas and thoughts with respect, interest, and validation, we are in turn showing respect, interest and love toward them. When we hear commonalities with what we think, focus first on those. This builds a basis of understanding upon which you can grow. Then, if the other person wants to hear our feedback, we can share it with them. If we don't know if they want the feedback, we can ask first. Many times they just want validation and encouragement.

Love and respect are more important than giving feedback. When the person wants the feedback, then we can give it without taking away from showing our love and respect for them.

Keys to Enduring Happiness based on Studies

This is from a presentation by Craig Wilson at church. He first shared some inspiring stories of people doing acts of kindness. Then he talked about positive psychology, which has the mission of figuring out how to help people find enduring happiness. Based on multiple studies, the following ten characteristics are frequently found about people who have enduring happiness. They:

1. Use their signature strengths (aka gifts, talents) in their daily lives. They see what they do in their daily life as a calling rather than as a job or career.
2. Are involved in something bigger than self.
3. Substitute pleasures with enduring, meaningful pursuits.
4. Become more and more selfless, defined as being willing to be inconvenienced for the sake of others.
5. Have many close friendships with people they have helped or are being helped by. The wider and deeper the relationships are, the happier the person is.
6. Have high levels of volunteerism.
7. Are more religious (i.e. belief in a higher power).
8. Have an abundance of gratitude by counting blessings and expressing them.
9. Give themselves permission to be human.
10. Lead simpler lives. They realize that quantity affects quality. They don't live a "rat race".

Each one of us has signature strengths. Using those signature strengths to better the world will bring us happiness. Why don't people share their signature strengths with the world?

1. Lack of money
2. Lack of time

Doesn't God want us to share our signature strengths with the world? Shouldn't He provide a way to overcome these two obstacles? He does. In fact many religions have these answers:

Religious Laws of Prosperity:

1. Avoid debt except for necessary items such as an education or a modest home. Use restraint and get out of debt as soon as we can.
2. Live within our means. This means that our expenses are less than our net income.
3. Save a certain amount for rainy days and for later in life (i.e. as "seed corn").
4. Pay a steady, honest, and grateful tithe [and offerings]. See Malachi 3:8-11.

It is very hard to follow these laws without taking at least 10% of each check and saving it. One common pitfall is that usually people upgrade homes every seven years and start over with throwing money at the bank each month due to interest, burning their hard-earned money.

People seem to live their lives as if the more they spend on self, the more satisfied they will be with their life. This will not bring enduring satisfaction or happiness. The first bit spent on self does bring great satisfaction. This is because they are fulfilling their basic needs, and even going beyond that to the point of "enough". After that, spending more on self usually means going into unnecessary debt, which causes satisfaction in life to spiral down. Even in cases where debt is not incurred, each purchase increases satisfaction only temporarily until they realize that this is not the way to enduring happiness, at which point their satisfaction in life takes a dive. Using money wisely and for good purposes is important in gaining enduring happiness.

How to cure being a "Know-It-All"

We learn things every day, and most of the time the things we learn are accurate. Unfortunately, sometimes they are not, and we don't even know it. Many times we don't even have a lingering doubt at all in our minds. However, when we talk with other people, this confidence can be very abrasive, especially when they don't agree. If you haven't experienced this, consider yourself very lucky. If you have, here are some ideas to help. Think long and hard about the saying, "People don't care what you know until they know how much you care." Apply the truth that "Acceptance precedes change" to other people's ideas and perspectives. Until they feel understood and accepted, they're very unlikely to change their perspective. When you're 100% convinced of something and then someone disagrees, you should immediately lower your confidence level to 70%. Someone disagreeing significantly decreases the likelihood of it being true. It's almost a guarantee that you have something to learn from that person, and understanding their perspective will probably help you get closer to the truth.    -11/14/2008

Update on 8/9/2020:

Other helpful ways:

• Center your life on Christ and measure yourself by that, which can eliminate all other fears, upon which all systems of defense can be eliminated including the need to be right.
• Consider the discourse "Beware of Pride" by Ezra Taft Benson.
• Consider "The Divine Center" by Stephen R. Covey.
• Prioritize being kind over being right.
• Humbly take this plea to the Lord.  Ether 12:27
• Deepen how much you care about others and deepen your connection with them to reduce the feeling of being alone for those involved (including yourself).
• Strive to be genuine with yourself, with others, and about others.

How to get out of misery

Ever been stuck in a rut? Ever just felt like life was pointless or too much to bear? Ever just feel awful inside? Let's call that "Misery Boulevard". Fortunately, Misery Boulevard has many exits onto other paths, many of which lead to true joy. Here are some exits I've found, most of which come from personal experience. Often, multiple exits apply, so if you somehow end up back onto the boulevard, try the next one (or try the same one again).

Note: For non-religious folks, skip over the text in []'s.

Exits from Misery Boulevard:

1. Stressed? Sit and write down what you're stressed about. Identify the things you're supposed to get done. Start working on them, starting with the most important and urgent. The key here is "Do your best, and your true best is good enough". You may be surprised what you're able to accomplish and how great your true best is. [Trust God to take care of the rest.]
2. Frustrated with someone (a friend, family member, child, a stranger, etc.)? Focus on your emotions and identity how you felt from what they did. If it hurt:
   • Allow yourself a few minutes to fully recognize the hurt and how real it is.
   • Identify any times that you've hurt that person. Also, identify any times that that person has done something that helped you. Do you owe it to them to let this hurt go? If so, feel good about letting it go as a "payment" to the person for what you owe.
   • [Remember that the Lord said, "I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." How? Think about the parable in Matthew 18:21-35.] Recognize all of the things that God has forgiven you for, and compare all of that to what the person has done. Do you owe it to God to let this go? If so, then do so, feeling gratitude for everything you've been forgiven for.]
     
   • Still frustrated? [Think about what Jesus suffered in paying for everyone's sins. He has fully paid for what the person has done. Imagine Him coming to you, pleading for you to accept His payment for what the person has done. Will you turn Him away? If you accept His payment, recognize that you have been fully paid. You are now "even". Justice has been served.]
     
   • Still frustrated? Serve the person. Do something nice for them. This can help release hurt feelings by bringing that person joy. It may even help the person try to avoid frustrating you in the future. What do they like? What is something you can do with them that they'd enjoy?
     
   • Still frustrated? Serve other people. Who could use your help right now? A neighbor? A friend? A family member? A stranger? What words can you say to someone to brighten their day? What can you volunteer to do somewhere?
     
   • Still frustrated? Let the person know. Use the kindest, most thoughtful, loving way that you can to tell them what has frustrated you, and keep an open mind as you truly listen to their perspective so you can understand better why it happened.
3. Irritable or Moody? It may not be this at all, but there might be something you've done that you wish you hadn't. Is there someone you could apologize to for something? Is there something you can do to (even begin to) make up for it? Is there something you can do to avoid making that mistake in the future? [Can you ask God for Him to forgive you because Christ suffered for it?] Doing these things may make a huge difference in your mood.
4. Depressed? In a creative way (or at least some way), identify some of the things in your life that you appreciate. You could write them down, or say them, or reward yourself with an M&M for each one you can come up with, or write your feelings about each one, put them in a gratitude journal, etc. If this isn't working, keep doing it for a while longer. It's bound to make a big difference once you get into it.

Ask, Don't Tell

Instead of telling someone what to do, or telling them what they did, change it to form a question. Avoid loaded questions that assume things that are not mutually understood or that carry with them accusations. Manipulation is something to avoid. You can still convey your excitement, sadness, disappointment, etc. about it, but asking instead of telling is much gentler. The questions will also often allow the person to think about what you're asking in such a way that they come to realizations that they wouldn't otherwise.

This applies to children and adults in interacting with others. It greatly reduces chances of offending others, and helps you to act more humbly. As parents, we can use these three words to teach our children through repetition of this simple rule to communicate better with us and with others. Ideally in doing so, we will restate it in the form of a question :) such as “Will you please ask instead of telling?”

By following this simple rule, our lives will be happier, and our relationships will improve greatly.