How to not shoot down others' ideas and still get what you want

I have a tendency to shoot down other people's ideas.  I often come up with ideas that I think are totally awesome and, in my mind, fit the problem really well.  However, to my chagrin, when I share ideas I have sometimes done it in a way that is confrontational or even combative.  People sometimes resist them, get upset, or are frustrated that I am shooting down their ideas.  I then judge them for being self-absorbed, having their own agenda, not wanting the overall good, or being closed-minded (which ironically is probably more true about me).  This then spirals down to either arguing or putting up walls with subsequent grumblings.

Recently when someone brought up a concern about me shooting down their idea, I stepped back to really look at the situation.  I have started to see beyond people's words, tone, and expectations and to get a deeper sense of their feelings and desires.  In doing so, I really don't want to hurt people, and shooting down their ideas does hurt them, hurts our relationship, is demeaning, and chases away creative juices.  After pondering it and using some of the principles I'm learning right now about how to regard people, an approach came to mind.

Think of an "idea" as an option for solving a problem.  There are often several options for the exact same problem.  However, the options are not equal.  Each option has pros and cons which can be represented as requirements and preferences.  A "requirement" is something that is absolutely needed, while a "preference" is something that is wanted but not absolutely necessary.  An example of converting a con into a requirement is converting "it costs a lot" to the requirement of "it must be affordable."  Both requirements and preferences are types of criteria.  Ideally, the best option will be one that meets all the requirements and also satisfies as many of the most compelling preferences as possible.

When someone shares an idea, here is the approach I'm suggesting:

1. POINT OUT BENEFITS: Identify and verbalize the valuable criteria that you can see that their idea meets.  Try to point out the met criteria that you think the person values the most.  Also, try to point out the met criteria that you value the most in their idea.
2. FIND MISSED CRITERIA: Silently identify the criteria that the idea doesn't meet which you value the most.  When you have your own idea for a solution, one way to find interesting criteria is to identify compelling ones that your idea provides.
3. TRY TO ADD EACH MISSED REQUIREMENT OR PREFERENCE: Starting with the requirement or preference that is most important to you, ask them if there is any way to ALSO meet that requirement or preference.  This gives them the opportunity to enhance their idea.

If they come up with a way to enhance it, then their idea is now more attractive to you.  Because they are the ones enhancing it, they retain ownership of the idea, which is good for their self-esteem and makes it a positive experience for everyone.

Sometimes the requirement or preference that you ask about cannot coexist with some aspects of their idea.  It is critical that you don't suggest changing those aspects.  You can state that you don't see any way to ALSO meet this new requirement or preference although you wish there were one.  This allows them to weigh the new criteria with their current idea and if they decide the new criteria is more valuable, they can decide to drop or change the aspects of their idea that are incompatible.  They might not even realize that they are doing so, such as if they didn't see the conflict that you are seeing.

If they want to but are struggling to find an idea that meets the criteria, you can ask if they would like to hear your idea.  However, be sure to emphasize any criteria that they value that your idea doesn't meet.  This helps them know that they are being heard and regarded and can prevent defensiveness.  This can also bring them awareness as to other criteria to consider and allow them to reconsider the importance of the criteria they have been valuing.

If they won't drop their criteria, consider dropping yours.  If that isn't acceptable to you, it may be a good time to say you'd like some time to think about the problem more.  This can give both of you time to think about it more, which can lead to refining the criteria in both of your minds to what is most important. 

The beauty of this approach is that at no point are you shooting down their idea or even criteria that they value.  You are seeking the best outcome while giving them as much credit as possible.  At no point are you agreeing to an idea that doesn't meet your current requirements, so you get what you are most wanting (aka requiring).  Never are you putting down their idea, and never is there contention.  It will likely be a positive experience for all involved.  This positive, cooperative feeling can help bring out the best in everyone, which can lead to ideas that are better than what you would have ever thought of.  Whether you prefer Boyd K. Packer's quote that "revelation is scattered among us" or the concept that "two heads are better than one," it can be a wonderful thing to collaborate with others.  Using this approach not only helps the solution to be great but helps everyone have a great experience getting there.