It is important to "Be One" in several circumstances: as a married couple, as an engaged couple, as a missionary companionship, or even as a member of a team. Jesus Christ said, "If ye are not one, ye are not mine." (D&C 38:27) For the purposes of this article, I'll refer to a married couple, although the same principles apply in the other circumstances.
In a healthy relationship, both spouses want the best for each other. They love each other. They want each other to be happy. They want to contribute what they can in order to accomplish this. Sometimes the relationship can become strained. Often this is because they don't agree on some issue, and instead of resolving the disagreement, one or both make a decision that the other gets upset about. Over time the disagreement festers, other disagreements add to it, and they lead to straining the relationship more and more. Some disagreements don't have any significant effect once both "agree to disagree", but others affect the life of the other person in a significant way. This is generally the case with finances, planning time together, place of residence, bearing and raising children, keeping a home organized, spending time together, and more.
What can you do to "be one" with someone when a disagreement impacts both of your lives in a significant way? This is the question I propose to answer.
It all starts with love.
If you are not feeling a lot of love towards them at this moment, search within yourself and re-ignite the love you have for them. In some cases, this might be very difficult because you feel so much hurt. Pray for you to feel the pure love of Christ towards them (see Moroni 7:48). Remember good times together. Remember how you met. Remember what brought you close together. Think about what you have in common including interests, goals, values, beliefs, etc. Think about what you appreciate, admire, respect, and love about them. Think about what you hope with them for the future. Think about their potential and who they really are inside.
Love will inspire you. From 1 Cor. 13 we read, "Charity...seeketh not her own,..." Matt 16:25 states, "for whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Mosiah 2:17 states, "...when ye are in service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." These scriptures help us see that in order to achieve true love, we need to be selfless, and lose ourselves in the service of others. In doing so, we will be blessed with a greater capacity to love and serve. We must be careful to not take on more than we can do, however, "for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength." (Mosiah 4:27) This perspective helps in trying to be one with your spouse.
Along with love, have faith in them. For some, it is easier to have faith in God than in someone who is imperfect and mortal just as yourself. In this case, have faith in them, trusting that God is helping and supporting them. Even when we make mistakes, God is there to help us pick up the pieces, and start again. Wouldn't it be better to do that together as one than to be divided?
Truly listen to them. Put yourself into their shoes and see life from their perspective. When you are confused, ask them to help you understand better.
The main answer I found is to "go along for the ride." Allow them to discover the truth, and only guide them when they want it and they need it. Feel free to share your thoughts and ideas in passing if they would like to hear them. (If you don't know if they want to hear them, feel free to ask them.) However, go along with what they want to do. Point it out when you notice their good ideas and successes. Support them in their struggles. Comfort them when they need it. As they look to you for help, commit to do so, and follow through with your commitments. If they look to you for validation of their feelings, do so. If they lack confidence in their ideas, support them by pointing out advantages that you see.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Sunday, November 29, 2015
How to Progress! - Practical Repentance
As a parent, I want to help my children to learn and grow as much as I can. My thoughts from my recent post on "Motivation to Change for the Better" got be looking for a simple exercise that could help anyone (myself and my children included) to truly grow and progress. This is a work in progress at this point, but has shown very good results already:
On a piece of paper, claim the blame. This means ONLY write what YOU did wrong. This should not include anything that anyone else did that was bad.
Next write 5 levels of disadvantages. To do this, write one reason of why doing it was bad (i.e. a disadvantage). That reason is considered level 1. Then, about that reason, answer the question, "What's so bad about that?" This deeper reason is considered level 2. Repeat until you have 5 levels for that disadvantages. Then come up with a different disadvantage and do 5 levels for it. Repeat until you can't think of any other disadvantages.
Now write all of the excuses, rationalizations, and minimizations that come to mind about why what you did isn't such a big deal. Leave room after each one.
Then after each excuse/rationalization/minimization, answer the question, "Why isn't this a good reason to do what I did?"
The last step is not written. Read and reread all that you've written, letting it penetrate and motivate you to truly change and to repair the damage you've caused. When you've done it enough, you'll know because you'll feel a pit in your stomach for what you've done. You'll feel willing to take whatever consequence and embarrassment that you deserve. You'll be willing to confess your actions to whoever was directly affected. You'll feel more than willing to repair all the damage. You will have a conviction to do much better in the future. You are truly growing and progressing toward your potential.
On a piece of paper, claim the blame. This means ONLY write what YOU did wrong. This should not include anything that anyone else did that was bad.
Next write 5 levels of disadvantages. To do this, write one reason of why doing it was bad (i.e. a disadvantage). That reason is considered level 1. Then, about that reason, answer the question, "What's so bad about that?" This deeper reason is considered level 2. Repeat until you have 5 levels for that disadvantages. Then come up with a different disadvantage and do 5 levels for it. Repeat until you can't think of any other disadvantages.
Now write all of the excuses, rationalizations, and minimizations that come to mind about why what you did isn't such a big deal. Leave room after each one.
Then after each excuse/rationalization/minimization, answer the question, "Why isn't this a good reason to do what I did?"
The last step is not written. Read and reread all that you've written, letting it penetrate and motivate you to truly change and to repair the damage you've caused. When you've done it enough, you'll know because you'll feel a pit in your stomach for what you've done. You'll feel willing to take whatever consequence and embarrassment that you deserve. You'll be willing to confess your actions to whoever was directly affected. You'll feel more than willing to repair all the damage. You will have a conviction to do much better in the future. You are truly growing and progressing toward your potential.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Listening 101 for Men :)
The title is a tease; in my experience, men are typically much worse listeners compared to women. In fact, I have been one of the worst. I recently gained a whole new perspective on listening and would like to share what I wish I had understood before. The sad thing is that I'd heard it all before, but it was either too foreign, too overwhelming, or didn't seem to apply to me.
As I see it, it's a total miracle that we can communicate at all. We start with some concept in our minds. We translate it into words. We turn the words into phonetics. We make our tongues and mouths turn those phenetics into the corresponding sounds. The sounds travel through the air, making it past noise and other competing sounds. Another person's eardrum vibrates from the sounds. They interpret those sounds into phonetics. They combine the phonetics to identify words. They interpret the words into concepts. They then reconcile those concepts with their knowledge and understanding, and repeat the process in the reverse to respond. At any one of these steps, the process can fail causing miscommunication.
I used to be totally satisfied with myself if I even made it through these steps. Come to find out, there's actually much more to it than that.
True listening is more than interpreting concepts from sounds. It involves putting ourselves into their shoes. Only in that way are we able to go beyond what they're saying. We can see why they're saying it, why they're saying it at that time, why they aren't saying something else, why they're using the tone that they are, why they're positioning their body in that way, with those gestures, with that speed, with those pauses and inflections, and other nuances that provide so much more meaning than just words. Trying to ask all of these questions with every sentence that they speak would slow the communication to a crawl. It's not practical to do it that way. Truly, we must imagine ourselves in their shoes.
Each one of us has the capability within our mind and heart to take this leap. It requires focus. We can't be multitasking in splitting our attention. We can't be thinking of how we'll respond. We can't be defensive. We must be open. We must be accepting. We should make eye contact. We must set aside our own hopes, dreams, selfishness, pride, and agendas and simply seek to understand. In understanding, we can begin to see their intentions, their hopes, their fears, and their passions.
Relationships are essential to the meaning of life. Relationships can't grow if we don't grow in understanding the other. Even more, they wither or die if we don't put the effort into remembering what the other person has shared with us. If after each conversation, we forget what they've told us, where must the next conversation start? Will the other person be open to repeating basic information of their name, their occupation, where they live, their family situation? How often will they put up with this? When will they give up and write you off as shallow, uncaring, and someone who wastes their time? In remembering at least the key information that they share with us, the relationship has a foundation and structure to build on. As we put more and more time and effort into learning about them and understanding them, it can flourish and create real meaning in your life. It reaches well beyond the shallow into the sweet deepness of real friendship.
My wife is a great example of someone you truly listens. In just a few minutes with someone, they make a meaningful connection. It used to baffle me. After just meeting a store clerk, the clerk would offer a friends and family discount when she checked out. She didn't see people as a simple role of being a waitress, a policeman, a teacher, etc. She would put herself in their shoes, see them as a whole person with the complexities of life. She would then share her thoughts and feelings and like magic, they'd reach a mutual understanding and respect for each other.
Listening is key to any meaningful relationship. Join me in giving up the idea that it's too difficult, complicated, or foreign to listen at a much greater level. It is simple. It is the effort to put ourselves into their shoes that takes us all the way from here to there.
As I see it, it's a total miracle that we can communicate at all. We start with some concept in our minds. We translate it into words. We turn the words into phonetics. We make our tongues and mouths turn those phenetics into the corresponding sounds. The sounds travel through the air, making it past noise and other competing sounds. Another person's eardrum vibrates from the sounds. They interpret those sounds into phonetics. They combine the phonetics to identify words. They interpret the words into concepts. They then reconcile those concepts with their knowledge and understanding, and repeat the process in the reverse to respond. At any one of these steps, the process can fail causing miscommunication.
I used to be totally satisfied with myself if I even made it through these steps. Come to find out, there's actually much more to it than that.
True listening is more than interpreting concepts from sounds. It involves putting ourselves into their shoes. Only in that way are we able to go beyond what they're saying. We can see why they're saying it, why they're saying it at that time, why they aren't saying something else, why they're using the tone that they are, why they're positioning their body in that way, with those gestures, with that speed, with those pauses and inflections, and other nuances that provide so much more meaning than just words. Trying to ask all of these questions with every sentence that they speak would slow the communication to a crawl. It's not practical to do it that way. Truly, we must imagine ourselves in their shoes.
Each one of us has the capability within our mind and heart to take this leap. It requires focus. We can't be multitasking in splitting our attention. We can't be thinking of how we'll respond. We can't be defensive. We must be open. We must be accepting. We should make eye contact. We must set aside our own hopes, dreams, selfishness, pride, and agendas and simply seek to understand. In understanding, we can begin to see their intentions, their hopes, their fears, and their passions.
Relationships are essential to the meaning of life. Relationships can't grow if we don't grow in understanding the other. Even more, they wither or die if we don't put the effort into remembering what the other person has shared with us. If after each conversation, we forget what they've told us, where must the next conversation start? Will the other person be open to repeating basic information of their name, their occupation, where they live, their family situation? How often will they put up with this? When will they give up and write you off as shallow, uncaring, and someone who wastes their time? In remembering at least the key information that they share with us, the relationship has a foundation and structure to build on. As we put more and more time and effort into learning about them and understanding them, it can flourish and create real meaning in your life. It reaches well beyond the shallow into the sweet deepness of real friendship.
My wife is a great example of someone you truly listens. In just a few minutes with someone, they make a meaningful connection. It used to baffle me. After just meeting a store clerk, the clerk would offer a friends and family discount when she checked out. She didn't see people as a simple role of being a waitress, a policeman, a teacher, etc. She would put herself in their shoes, see them as a whole person with the complexities of life. She would then share her thoughts and feelings and like magic, they'd reach a mutual understanding and respect for each other.
Listening is key to any meaningful relationship. Join me in giving up the idea that it's too difficult, complicated, or foreign to listen at a much greater level. It is simple. It is the effort to put ourselves into their shoes that takes us all the way from here to there.
Monday, October 5, 2015
How to Get the Motivation to Change for the Better
Marriage has been an eye-opening experience for me. I thought I was a really good guy with very few shortcomings. However, with the honesty, love, and openness of my amazing wife, I have learned a myriad of areas in which I could change for the better.
Some changes were easy. Simply being aware of them was enough to make the needed adjustments. However, to change in other areas was daunting. I didn't know how to change and I didn't know why it was important for me to change in those ways. Certainly, I'd love to make my wife happier, but wasn't she asking too much?!?
My defensiveness, stubbornness, and lack of motivation were preventing me from progressing. I found myself emotionally disconnected in my relationships. I knew that it wasn't healthy.
I decided that I wanted the desire to change. In praying for help, God told me to find the answer in "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W. Kimball. I looked through the chapter titles and found "Chapter 11. Conviction--the Awakening". As I read, I got from it that my conscience (aka the Light of Christ) along with the scriptures should be enough to get me to the point of feeling godly sorrow. Godly sorrow is different than worldly sorrow, which is basically the sorrow of getting caught and/or of having to pay the consequences. Instead, godly sorrow is an intense understanding of just how wrong an act was, a realization of the hurt that resulted, and even the desire to pay the consequences.
The book even said that if we truly feel godly sorrow, it will motivate us to go through the rest of the repentance process which includes pleading for forgiveness from Our Heavenly Father, repairing what we have done to the extent possible, stopping the behavior, forgiving others, and doing our best to obey God's commandments.
I wasn't feeling godly sorrow. I was feeling pressured to change by others when that desire should be coming from within. I read on because I needed to know how to get to that point. It explained that rationalization and minimization rob us of the motivation to change. They stop us from feeling godly sorrow. That was the key!! I was well-practiced at rationalization and minimization. I did it all the time.
When I realized that what I needed to do was to stop rationalizing and minimizing, my life took a turn for the better. I was able to have my eyes finally open to the hurt I had caused. I was able to awaken the previously numb feeling in my heart. If it weren't for my understanding and faith in the Jesus Christ and His Atonement, I could have despaired, but instead I welcomed these painful feelings, knowing that they would help me make major changes in my life. I knew that at any time, I could call upon my Savior to find the great relief of His forgiveness. But during this time, I wanted the pain to cleanse me of my selfishness and pride, and change me into someone who truly, deeply cared about each person around me as individuals.
I could feel my heart breaking, softening, and melting. I no longer wanted to behave like I had in the past. I wanted to make up for the wrongs I had done. I had previously feared hearing criticism (which is often the hurt in others) as I opened myself to them, but now I considered it as part of righting my wrongs. Allowing them to detoxify by sharing with me their frustrations about me, could open the door to healing for them, which I desperately desired.
The simple change to stop minimizing and rationalizing my actions, together with my faith in Jesus Christ, gave me all the motivation I needed.
Some changes were easy. Simply being aware of them was enough to make the needed adjustments. However, to change in other areas was daunting. I didn't know how to change and I didn't know why it was important for me to change in those ways. Certainly, I'd love to make my wife happier, but wasn't she asking too much?!?
My defensiveness, stubbornness, and lack of motivation were preventing me from progressing. I found myself emotionally disconnected in my relationships. I knew that it wasn't healthy.
I decided that I wanted the desire to change. In praying for help, God told me to find the answer in "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W. Kimball. I looked through the chapter titles and found "Chapter 11. Conviction--the Awakening". As I read, I got from it that my conscience (aka the Light of Christ) along with the scriptures should be enough to get me to the point of feeling godly sorrow. Godly sorrow is different than worldly sorrow, which is basically the sorrow of getting caught and/or of having to pay the consequences. Instead, godly sorrow is an intense understanding of just how wrong an act was, a realization of the hurt that resulted, and even the desire to pay the consequences.
The book even said that if we truly feel godly sorrow, it will motivate us to go through the rest of the repentance process which includes pleading for forgiveness from Our Heavenly Father, repairing what we have done to the extent possible, stopping the behavior, forgiving others, and doing our best to obey God's commandments.
I wasn't feeling godly sorrow. I was feeling pressured to change by others when that desire should be coming from within. I read on because I needed to know how to get to that point. It explained that rationalization and minimization rob us of the motivation to change. They stop us from feeling godly sorrow. That was the key!! I was well-practiced at rationalization and minimization. I did it all the time.
When I realized that what I needed to do was to stop rationalizing and minimizing, my life took a turn for the better. I was able to have my eyes finally open to the hurt I had caused. I was able to awaken the previously numb feeling in my heart. If it weren't for my understanding and faith in the Jesus Christ and His Atonement, I could have despaired, but instead I welcomed these painful feelings, knowing that they would help me make major changes in my life. I knew that at any time, I could call upon my Savior to find the great relief of His forgiveness. But during this time, I wanted the pain to cleanse me of my selfishness and pride, and change me into someone who truly, deeply cared about each person around me as individuals.
I could feel my heart breaking, softening, and melting. I no longer wanted to behave like I had in the past. I wanted to make up for the wrongs I had done. I had previously feared hearing criticism (which is often the hurt in others) as I opened myself to them, but now I considered it as part of righting my wrongs. Allowing them to detoxify by sharing with me their frustrations about me, could open the door to healing for them, which I desperately desired.
The simple change to stop minimizing and rationalizing my actions, together with my faith in Jesus Christ, gave me all the motivation I needed.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
How to Find Deceased Cousins who could use Temple Blessings
Descendancy research is how to find your cousins who are missing from Family Tree, enabling you to do temple work for them. Here are some steps that I've found very effective. They combine and improve upon the instructions for puzzilla.org and the instructions for the Family Tree descendency view.
Steps
b. Choose a generation where many are born around 1800 or earlier. For about 10 couples in that generation, click on either the man or the woman, and then click “Descendants”. This will result in several tabs in your web browser.
c. Glance through these different tabs and pick one that is the least full (i.e. the most dots near the middle without yellow squares on them). Click on the ancestor in the middle and select “View in FamilyTree”.
d. Click on “View Tree” near their name.
e. Switch to the “Descendancy View”.
f. In the "Show" drop-down uncheck portraits box to be able to see more people at a time.
g. Click on the 3 or 4 in the generations area.
h. Look at the icons. You can think of these icons as a “To-Do” list. Focus on the easy ones until you are comfortable with more:
- Green temple icon: click and request those ordinances.
- Yellow temple icon: Click on the icon to see which person needs more information (dotted boxes). Click on that person on the left side and go to their Person page. Then go to their ordinances tab and see what information is missing.
- If it’s missing a birth or death place, specifying even just the country is enough, which can be guessed by looking at places of other people in the family.
- If the person doesn’t have a birth year or death year, you can put “Before
” based on when they had a child, got married, etc. - If it’s a sealing to parents that is missing a mother, you can add a person named “Mrs.
”.
When done adding the missing information, go to the person’s Ordinances tab again and click “Request Ordinances”.
- Records icon: Click and attach the records. Census records are especially good since they can find missing family members that need their temple work done.
i. Repeat these steps choosing different relatives from puzzilla.org.
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