I found myself pondering about my temple marriage covenants. What have I covenanted to do in treating my amazing wife? I came upon an article that talks about them. It said that "Those who are married should consider their union as their most cherished earthly relationship, for a spouse is the only person other than the Lord whom we have been commanded to love with all our heart (see Doctrine and Covenants 42:22)." That verse reads, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else."
I asked myself: what does it mean "to love with all my heart"? I found an article that describes it in terms of God: "The heart sustains life. 'Heart' often means the center or core of something and the place where desires and emotions reside. To serve God with all our heart is to give Him all of our desires, will, and love."
Loving our spouse "with all of our heart" means giving them all of our "desires, will, and love". I've been learning about desire. My recent blog post about expectations points out that desires and expectations are not the same. We can desire something without expecting it. In fact, desiring without expecting is key to happiness. Whatever part of our reality matches our desires and exceeds our expectations is where we find gratitude and happiness.
What does it mean to give our desires to someone? Does it mean we opt to have no desire whatsoever? No. If we are left with no desires, then nothing can bring us happiness. The first commandment is to "love God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." I can love God by submitting my will to His. God has taught me personally to say that "my will sucks; what I really want is what God wants." I say that often to myself to remind myself how God's ways are higher than my ways. I fully trust that He wants what is best for me and my family. He knows what will bring me happiness much better than I do. He knows what my potential is and how to get there. The more I can submit my will to his, the better my life will be. This is how I see we can love God with all of our hearts.
How does this apply to "loving [my] wife with all [my] heart"? What if I say to myself, "my will sucks; my spouse's will is awesome." What if I choose to adopt my spouse's desires and will as my own? If I have my spouse's desires, I indeed have some desires. This means that I can find happiness as I see reality matching any portion of those desires (as I also keep my expectations low). Adopting my spouse's desires doesn't mean adopting the same expectations, thoughts, opinions, etc. Whether or not a spouse has high or low expectations, is unhappy or happy, each of us can still find happiness in fulfilling those desires. If I do that, I will be filling my own bucket as I put effort into those desires. I'd be doing them out of love for my wife in that I have made her desires my own. In fact, I'd even be doing them out of self-love since they are now my own desires and I am working to fulfill them.
In doing this, am I to completely eliminate my own personal desires that aren't hers? I'm curious what your thoughts are on this. Please comment below. In any case, I know that I find joy in fulfilling my desires whether they are my own or adopted. In adopting God's desires, I have found extensive joy.
What is the first step? I believe that a prerequisite to all of this is to love yourself. In my experience, the best way to love myself is to first love God. God loves each of us so incredibly deeply and completely that loving Him and connecting ourselves to Him fills us with peace, joy, and purpose. Then, doing what I truly desire (ideally inspired by God and is never just coping with or escaping reality) will continue to fill me with energy and love. Once I've done enough self-love that my bucket is full and even overflowing, I am ready to begin loving my spouse with all my heart.
At that point, I need to understand what my spouse actually desires. From some people I've talked to, this can be surprisingly difficult. In some cases, they have long since forgotten who they are and what they desire. A promising approach is to put yourself into their shoes. Remember anything they've said, recent or in the distant past, of what they desire. This isn't about taking on their fears, reservations, shame, guilt, or other concerns (although empathy is also a really good idea). This is about what they wish, what they would love, what would bring them fulfillment and joy. What have you seen them respond to with excitement, motivation, or passion? What puts a gleam into their eye? Is it bringing new life to something old and worn? Is it making delectable food? Is it bringing relief to the weary or lost? Is it organizing a section of the home? Is it traveling afar? Is it creating art? Is it playing with children? Is it opening up their entire soul to someone who will still love them as they are? Is it growing old with someone? Is it teaching something meaningful? Is it healing someone? Is it holding someone in their loving arms? Is it being there for someone who is going through suffering or struggle? Is it holding a brand new grandchild? Is it having a picnic in the park? It can take time, effort, and truly listening, and it may even take a lot of trial and error.
Again, God counsels us that "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." This journey may take a lifetime, but I have faith that the fruits are magnificent and breathtaking along the way.
1 comment:
Well said.
Post a Comment