Listening 101 for Men :)

The title is a tease; in my experience, men are typically much worse listeners compared to women.  In fact, I have been one of the worst.  I recently gained a whole new perspective on listening and would like to share what I wish I had understood before.  The sad thing is that I'd heard it all before, but it was either too foreign, too overwhelming, or didn't seem to apply to me.

As I see it, it's a total miracle that we can communicate at all.  We start with some concept in our minds.  We translate it into words.  We turn the words into phonetics.  We make our tongues and mouths turn those phenetics into the corresponding sounds.  The sounds travel through the air, making it past noise and other competing sounds.  Another person's eardrum vibrates from the sounds.  They interpret those sounds into phonetics.  They combine the phonetics to identify words.  They interpret the words into concepts.  They then reconcile those concepts with their knowledge and understanding, and repeat the process in the reverse to respond.  At any one of these steps, the process can fail causing miscommunication.

I used to be totally satisfied with myself if I even made it through these steps.  Come to find out, there's actually much more to it than that.

True listening is more than interpreting concepts from sounds.  It involves putting ourselves into their shoes.  Only in that way are we able to go beyond what they're saying.  We can see why they're saying it, why they're saying it at that time, why they aren't saying something else, why they're using the tone that they are, why they're positioning their body in that way, with those gestures, with that speed, with those pauses and inflections, and other nuances that provide so much more meaning than just words.  Trying to ask all of these questions with every sentence that they speak would slow the communication to a crawl.  It's not practical to do it that way.  Truly, we must imagine ourselves in their shoes.

Each one of us has the capability within our mind and heart to take this leap.  It requires focus.  We can't be multitasking in splitting our attention.  We can't be thinking of how we'll respond.  We can't be defensive.  We must be open.  We must be accepting.  We should make eye contact.  We must set aside our own hopes, dreams, selfishness, pride, and agendas and simply seek to understand.  In understanding, we can begin to see their intentions, their hopes, their fears, and their passions.

Relationships are essential to the meaning of life.  Relationships can't grow if we don't grow in understanding the other.  Even more, they wither or die if we don't put the effort into remembering what the other person has shared with us.  If after each conversation, we forget what they've told us, where must the next conversation start?  Will the other person be open to repeating basic information of their name, their occupation, where they live, their family situation?  How often will they put up with this?  When will they give up and write you off as shallow, uncaring, and someone who wastes their time?  In remembering at least the key information that they share with us, the relationship has a foundation and structure to build on.  As we put more and more time and effort into learning about them and understanding them, it can flourish and create real meaning in your life.  It reaches well beyond the shallow into the sweet deepness of real friendship.

My wife is a great example of someone you truly listens.  In just a few minutes with someone, they make a meaningful connection.  It used to baffle me.  After just meeting a store clerk, the clerk would offer a friends and family discount when she checked out.  She didn't see people as a simple role of being a waitress, a policeman, a teacher, etc.  She would put herself in their shoes, see them as a whole person with the complexities of life.  She would then share her thoughts and feelings and like magic, they'd reach a mutual understanding and respect for each other.

Listening is key to any meaningful relationship.  Join me in giving up the idea that it's too difficult, complicated, or foreign to listen at a much greater level.  It is simple.  It is the effort to put ourselves into their shoes that takes us all the way from here to there.

How to Get the Motivation to Change for the Better

Marriage has been an eye-opening experience for me.  I thought I was a really good guy with very few shortcomings.  However, with the honesty, love, and openness of my amazing wife, I have learned a myriad of areas in which I could change for the better.

Some changes were easy.  Simply being aware of them was enough to make the needed adjustments. However, to change in other areas was daunting.  I didn't know how to change and I didn't know why it was important for me to change in those ways.  Certainly, I'd love to make my wife happier, but wasn't she asking too much?!?

My defensiveness, stubbornness, and lack of motivation were preventing me from progressing.  I found myself emotionally disconnected in my relationships.  I knew that it wasn't healthy.

I decided that I wanted the desire to change.  In praying for help, God told me to find the answer in "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W. Kimball.  I looked through the chapter titles and found "Chapter 11. Conviction--the Awakening".  As I read, I got from it that my conscience (aka the Light of Christ) along with the scriptures should be enough to get me to the point of feeling godly sorrow.  Godly sorrow is different than worldly sorrow, which is basically the sorrow of getting caught and/or of having to pay the consequences.  Instead, godly sorrow is an intense understanding of just how wrong an act was, a realization of the hurt that resulted, and even the desire to pay the consequences.

The book even said that if we truly feel godly sorrow, it will motivate us to go through the rest of the repentance process which includes pleading for forgiveness from Our Heavenly Father, repairing what we have done to the extent possible, stopping the behavior, forgiving others, and doing our best to obey God's commandments.

I wasn't feeling godly sorrow.  I was feeling pressured to change by others when that desire should be coming from within.  I read on because I needed to know how to get to that point.  It explained that rationalization and minimization rob us of the motivation to change.  They stop us from feeling godly sorrow.  That was the key!!  I was well-practiced at rationalization and minimization.  I did it all the time.

When I realized that what I needed to do was to stop rationalizing and minimizing, my life took a turn for the better.  I was able to have my eyes finally open to the hurt I had caused.  I was able to awaken the previously numb feeling in my heart.  If it weren't for my understanding and faith in the Jesus Christ and His Atonement, I could have despaired, but instead I welcomed these painful feelings, knowing that they would help me make major changes in my life.  I knew that at any time, I could call upon my Savior to find the great relief of His forgiveness.  But during this time, I wanted the pain to cleanse me of my selfishness and pride, and change me into someone who truly, deeply cared about each person around me as individuals.

I could feel my heart breaking, softening, and melting.  I no longer wanted to behave like I had in the past.  I wanted to make up for the wrongs I had done.  I had previously feared hearing criticism (which is often the hurt in others) as I opened myself to them, but now I considered it as part of righting my wrongs.  Allowing them to detoxify by sharing with me their frustrations about me, could open the door to healing for them, which I desperately desired.

The simple change to stop minimizing and rationalizing my actions, together with my faith in Jesus Christ, gave me all the motivation I needed.