Selfishness or self-love?

How many of us have been taught that we should not be selfish? This teaching is found in several religions, including modern Christianity. However, there are many misconceptions around selfishness. The term may be causing more harm than good. No one wants to be labeled as selfish. That label causes distrust and often leads to criticism and further judgment. How much do we do to avoid that? How far will our fear of being selfish take us? Do we avoid being vulnerable and open so people won't see how we really are? Do we gossip to get the focus off of ourselves? Do we do things that make us look generous? Do we vow to never do something for ourselves and when we inevitably do, then punish ourselves with guilt, shame, and self-hate? Have we given up our own identity so we don't even know who we are anymore? Every single person sees life from their own lens. We are not able to read minds or trade bodies, so in reality, our entire existence revolves around ourselves. We are the center of our universe. In a very literal sense, we are all self-centered. Even people who are incredibly generous and giving still make their decisions based on their own reality and perspective. They have to decide what they'll do based on their own capacity and desires. In learning from others, we have to reconcile teachings with our own perspective to integrate them into our own belief system. We only put to use those beliefs and teachings that we integrate into our perspective and understanding. There is a term similar to selfishness called self-love. Self-love means taking care of our own needs and not sacrificing our well-being to please others. The classic example is when a flight attendant explains to the passengers on board that they should first put an oxygen mask on themselves and then help others with theirs. Another example of this is the concept that we can't fill others' buckets if our own bucket is empty. How many of us even have a full bucket right now? It appears that most everyone is suffering. According to the National Science Foundation, an average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are repetitive thoughts. Do we consistently take care of these thoughts by inspecting them, questioning them, becoming aware of the issues, and then addressing them? Or, do we push the snooze button on these issues by escaping through coping mechanisms such as entertainment, indulgence, or harmful practices? Some people call this selfishness. I just call it suffering and misery. If we were really focusing on just ourselves would we settle for that kind of existence? If we were completely selfish, why would we be worried about what other people think? If we were absorbed with ourselves why would we ever live like that? That would be ridiculous. That kind of life is just suffering. If we were wrapped up in ourselves wouldn't we do things that we actually wanted to do beyond just coping with and escaping suffering? Even beyond our fear of being labeled selfish, we don't even want to see ourselves as selfish. We do what we can to avoid that as well. When we give up our own desires, hopes, and dreams in the name of unselfishness we do ourselves and the world a great disservice. We are voluntarily emptying our buckets and playing a martyr, only to be followed by years of emptiness, suffering, and coping while we barely live. We then guilt and shame ourselves as we see how little we are capable of doing for others. In our suffering, we look at those around us who should unselfishly help us and when they don't (for similar reasons), we judge them and may even reject them. What is it that fills our own bucket? Does pushing the snooze button on issues fill our bucket? Does playing video games, watching TV, scrolling through social media, eating comfort foods, or oversleeping fill our bucket? Not at all. Personally, after a long time of indulging in sweets, TV, and other escapes I find myself at least as irritable as when I started. I believe that all of us have a desire to make a difference in the world. We want to matter. We want to create something meaningful. We find joy and fulfillment in using our abilities and talents. We want to do things that make us feel good. We want to feel connected to others. Many of these actions also happen to lift others, make people's lives better, and bring smiles to their faces. However, even if they take them for granted or don't even notice, we can still find satisfaction in doing something that we believe matters. These activities fill our buckets. They are exhilarating. They bring out our passions for living. What do we call this? We are literally doing things that serve ourselves. Is it selfishness? Is it self-love? Would it be better to not seek these things and instead deny ourselves of what we really want to do? Would it be better to focus on actions that benefit others while they drain us to the point of being burnt out? Did you know that the word selfish doesn't appear even once in the Bible? It doesn't even appear in the Book of Mormon. The term selfishness is linked to many concepts such as greed, pride (in the biblical sense), ingratitude, enmity, and coveting. All of those are clearly bad; they are associated with comparison, and "comparison is the thief of joy." (Theodore Roosevelt) Breaking the term down can help bring clarification. Consider unhealthy concepts such as self-conceit, self-pity, self-gratification, and self-seeking. (A suggestion I have is to replace "selfish" with "egocentric," which focuses on the core of the problem: the ego.) Now consider healthy concepts such as self-love, self-care, self-esteem, self-improvement, self-awareness, and self-motivation. It's important to not put all of these into the same category.

I think that the term selfishness is very misunderstood. There is an epidemic of people living in misery due to the fear of being selfish. The second great commandment in the Bible doesn't say "love your neighbor more than yourself." It says to love your neighbor AS yourself. The more you love yourself, the more full your bucket will be to be able to love others that same amount. If you struggle with loving yourself, I suggest following the first great commandment of loving God. He loves you more than you can ever imagine, and He will show you how you are magnificent as His very own creation.

Do you want a better life but don't see how to do it? See https://www.facebook.com/EricPabst.LifeCoach.

How to Get the Motivation to Change for the Better

Marriage has been an eye-opening experience for me.  I thought I was a really good guy with very few shortcomings.  However, with the honesty, love, and openness of my amazing wife, I have learned a myriad of areas in which I could change for the better.

Some changes were easy.  Simply being aware of them was enough to make the needed adjustments. However, to change in other areas was daunting.  I didn't know how to change and I didn't know why it was important for me to change in those ways.  Certainly, I'd love to make my wife happier, but wasn't she asking too much?!?

My defensiveness, stubbornness, and lack of motivation were preventing me from progressing.  I found myself emotionally disconnected in my relationships.  I knew that it wasn't healthy.

I decided that I wanted the desire to change.  In praying for help, God told me to find the answer in "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W. Kimball.  I looked through the chapter titles and found "Chapter 11. Conviction--the Awakening".  As I read, I got from it that my conscience (aka the Light of Christ) along with the scriptures should be enough to get me to the point of feeling godly sorrow.  Godly sorrow is different than worldly sorrow, which is basically the sorrow of getting caught and/or of having to pay the consequences.  Instead, godly sorrow is an intense understanding of just how wrong an act was, a realization of the hurt that resulted, and even the desire to pay the consequences.

The book even said that if we truly feel godly sorrow, it will motivate us to go through the rest of the repentance process which includes pleading for forgiveness from Our Heavenly Father, repairing what we have done to the extent possible, stopping the behavior, forgiving others, and doing our best to obey God's commandments.

I wasn't feeling godly sorrow.  I was feeling pressured to change by others when that desire should be coming from within.  I read on because I needed to know how to get to that point.  It explained that rationalization and minimization rob us of the motivation to change.  They stop us from feeling godly sorrow.  That was the key!!  I was well-practiced at rationalization and minimization.  I did it all the time.

When I realized that what I needed to do was to stop rationalizing and minimizing, my life took a turn for the better.  I was able to have my eyes finally open to the hurt I had caused.  I was able to awaken the previously numb feeling in my heart.  If it weren't for my understanding and faith in the Jesus Christ and His Atonement, I could have despaired, but instead I welcomed these painful feelings, knowing that they would help me make major changes in my life.  I knew that at any time, I could call upon my Savior to find the great relief of His forgiveness.  But during this time, I wanted the pain to cleanse me of my selfishness and pride, and change me into someone who truly, deeply cared about each person around me as individuals.

I could feel my heart breaking, softening, and melting.  I no longer wanted to behave like I had in the past.  I wanted to make up for the wrongs I had done.  I had previously feared hearing criticism (which is often the hurt in others) as I opened myself to them, but now I considered it as part of righting my wrongs.  Allowing them to detoxify by sharing with me their frustrations about me, could open the door to healing for them, which I desperately desired.

The simple change to stop minimizing and rationalizing my actions, together with my faith in Jesus Christ, gave me all the motivation I needed.

Is Your World Falling Apart?

I have felt my world falling apart.  I have felt lonely with people all around.  I have felt useless.  I have wanted to die.  I have felt the despair of loss.  I have felt powerless when using all my strength.  I have felt horrible regret.  I have felt lost and confused.  I have been past my breaking point.

I stand now only because I was rescued, time and time again.  I called out to  Jesus Christ and He quickly took me in His arms.  He replaced my pain with peace.  He replaced my darkness with light.  He replaced my sorrow with joy.

Jesus said, "Come unto me, all you that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and you shall find rest unto your souls."

If science makes more sense to you, try an experiment and know the truth for yourself.

If you have looked for truth about God but found corruption, suppression or confusion, there is still hope.  

My personal mission statement for life is: "I help people to grow in happiness."  I will not force you.  I will not use you.  I don't want anything but your happiness.  Why?  Because I love you all.

For more information, don't hesitate to message me.

How much does God love us?

I recognize God’s and the Savior’s Love, Mercy, and Grace for me. I am so grateful to them.

Note: This is written in terms of "I" so that each of us can read it as it applies to ourselves.

I am a son/daughter of The All-Powerful God. (Eph. 4:6)  He loves me so much that He created this amazing world for me to live on; He loves me so much that He has prepared a plan for me that gives me the opportunity to receive all that He has and become like Him! (D&C

He sent His perfect Son to die for me (John 3:16).  

He has lovingly given me weaknesses to help me be humble so that I will learn to rely on Him.  This reliance will help me to become so much stronger and better than if I had no weaknesses at all. (Ether 12:27) when I am weak then I am strong. (Paul)

He has given me strengths and opportunities so that I can help others, which also helps me feel needed and appreciated.  He has given me the privilege of living in an amazing time of the gospel and church organization on the earth.  As a descendant of Ephraim He has asked me to help in His Work.

He has a plan that includes my help.  He has entrusted His children for me to care for and even teach.

Every day God gives me so much:

He loves me so much that He will listen to me at any moment I choose, and for as long as I want. (3 Nephi 18:15)  He will answer my prayers for my best good.

If I just do my best, He will make up for the rest, including all of my imperfections. (2 Nephi 25:23)  In fact, even if I hadn’t done my best, I can sincerely repent.  In His generous mercy, He will forgive me and forget my mistakes. (Isaiah 1:18)  

He will save me over and over without limit or hesitation.  

He loves me so much that He will prepare each of my days so that I receive the experiences that I need, for the lesson I’m needing to learn,  at each point in my life.  

He loves me so much that He will make sure that any temptation Satan gives me is not more than I can handle, and will provide a way to escape each and every one of them. (1 Cor. 10:13)

When I am humble, He lights the path before me enough for me to advance, and gives me the opportunity to wonder and learn by not showing me the end.

He grants me air, water, food, shelter, and people to associate with.  He teaches me based on the point I am at in my life and to progress by providing situations to learn from, providing tests of my progress, people to step in and help me, words to my soul through His Holy Spirit, millions of His words in the scriptures and from the mouths of latter-day prophets, and always takes my eternal welfare to heart.  He loves me immensely - much more than even my parents or companion.

He has given me my family, my life, this opportunity on Earth, created this amazingly beautiful world, created a plan for me, and even sent His Son to die for me.

I know he loves me more than I will ever be able to understand.

My brothers and sisters, the first great commandment of all eternity is to love God with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength—that’s the first great commandment. But the first great truth of all eternity is that God loves us with all of His heart, might, mind, and strength. That love is the foundation stone of eternity, and it should be the foundation stone of our daily life. Indeed it is only with that reassurance burning in our soul that we can have the confidence to keep trying to improve, keep seeking forgiveness for our sins, and keep extending that grace to our neighbor. ("Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders among You" By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

Overcoming Anger

This is the best advice I've heard on overcoming anger.  It has helped me immensely.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLKBPn9GEVM
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/slow-to-anger?lang=eng

How to Heal from Deeply Buried Pain

I believe that every person in the world has had deep, deep pain.  It could be from physical, emotional, or mental abuse, guilt, abandonment, rejection, neglect, ridicule, criticism, contempt, shame, judging, or anything else.  This pain almost always buries itself deep within us.

Any experience that remotely resembles one of the experiences associated with this pain can trigger instant hurt and lead us to reacting in a very hurtful and negative way, even if it was an innocent action that triggered it.  These are more than little pet peeves, although those may even be rooted in this pain.  These pain points are very sensitive.  They can keep us from being the kind of person we want to be.  They can in turn, lead us to hurting others very deeply.  Often psychologists diagnose emotional issues as caused by a painful childhood.  Even hurt from decades earlier can affect us today much more than we realize.

Pain points can remain even if we don't feel bitterness toward others, and while we feel that we have forgiven others for anything they've done.  Pain points are scars left behind that we don't imagine will ever heal.  I now know differently.

Jesus Christ has literally and fully healed some of my pain points.  I have full faith that He can heal all of them.  I'm going through that process at this point in my life.  I yearn for this healing because I believe it will completely change how I look at and treat others, especially those closest to me.  I have already seen a change in me, and they have too.  I'm writing this to help others who may seek this as well.  I'm writing this before I've healed all of my pain points so that I can do so while it is still new to me, and I haven't gotten so comfortable with the process that all of the steps blend into one.

Here are the steps that work for me.  Feel free to adjust these or come up with your own completely.  The most important thing is drawing on the love and Atonement of Our Savior Jesus Christ to be healed of the pain.

1. Identify some of your pain points.  Write as many down as you can.  This can be a very painful process, and it's important that it not break you.  If it is getting too difficult, pause and regroup.  It may be helpful to write down some smaller ones first.  
2. Once you have some listed, choose one small one.  I tried to take a group of about five that were related, and I found out very quickly that it was too much for me.  Take it easy, especially if this is your first time.  It will get easier with practice.
3. For one specific pain point: 
1. Talk to a friend or to God, describing the pain.  You will likely feel that pain welling up within you as you focus on it.  Say anything that you need to so that it is fully identified.
2. Pray and tell God that you don't want to feel that pain anymore.  Express your desire and will to be free from it through Jesus Christ.
3. Tell God that you accept Christ's suffering as full and complete payment for all that you have ever suffered around that pain.  Tell God that you forgive the people involved.  Use their names to make it personal and complete.  You may feel the burden beginning to lift at this point.
4. Next plead for Jesus Christ to remove the pain point.  Plead for Him to pull it out of you (like sucking venom from a snake bite or surgically removing a tumor).  Plead for the pain to be gone.  Repeat or elaborate as needed until the pain is removed.  This can be a painful process as the hurt and misery of the pain point is pulled out of you.  When it is done, you should feel a calm coming over you and no longer feel that pain.  
5. Thank Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for what they have just done for you.
6. Envision someone doing something that would have triggered the pain point.  Plan what you will do to respond with love, respect, and/or understanding.  (This is to prevent the pain point from returning.)
4. Whenever ready to do this again, repeat these steps, starting at step 2 for another pain point.
5. When the list of pain points is exhausted, try to identify more, starting at step 1 until you are fully healed of all pain points.

I wondered if the pain point was really gone.  I started to think about the specifics (from step 3), and instead of feeling pain, I felt peace.  It was amazing.  It was a miracle.

What's more is that in the place of there being pain in that part of my heart, I felt love.  The pain point was replaced with the Love of God.  It is amazing.  As I went through this process, I could feel myself changing.  I look forward to completing my entire list.  When I'm done, I will look for more pain points and heal those until I have none left.  That will be a new beginning for me in my life.  I believe that I will be much more kind, loving, and giving.  I will be the kind of person that I want to be.

Accused?

There are two kinds of accusations that we receive. Ones that are true and ones that are not... Actually, there's a whole spectrum of them anywhere between these two extremes. I would dare say that in most cases, if not all, there is very good feedback available in any accusation, whether it is based on truth or perception. Often we only resist the feedback because of our own pride. Sometimes it hits us so hard that it cripples us.

If you step back and realize what is happening, it is a miracle. We often get stuck in our ways and even convince ourselves that what we're doing is good or at least perfectly satisfactory. This is so common that many say that "people don't change." The miracle is that people can change! The moment we take feedback (whether in the form of accusations or not) and take it to heart and start changing because of it, a miracle is happening.

Hebrews 12:1-15 saved me once, especially the part that says, "...My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth." Just realizing that it was the Lord who was chastening me and that he was doing it out of love is all I needed to know. When I realized that, I no longer felt alone. I no longer felt accused, and instead felt loved and cared for. I felt like I mattered, and that the Lord sees a potential in me that I didn't see. I felt hope. I felt love. I felt grateful. I knew that I could change and become better. I felt grateful to the person who had given me the feedback. I was saved from despair and darkness into "a marvelous light" (see Alma 36:20).

Accusations, when received with humility and love, can be some of the greatest blessings in life. They can help us to find joy, hope, and peace, and improve ourselves in ways we were never aware of.

How to "Be One" with Others

It is important to "Be One" in several circumstances: as a married couple, as an engaged couple, as a missionary companionship, or even as a member of a team. For the purposes of this article, I'll talk about a married couple, although the same principles apply in the other circumstances.

In a healthy relationship, both spouses want the best for each other. They love each other. They want each other to be happy. They want to contribute what they can in order to accomplish this. Sometimes the relationship can become strained. Often this is because they don't agree on some issue, and instead of resolving the disagreement, one or both make a decision that the other gets upset about. Over time the disagreement festers, other disagreements add to it, and they lead to straining the relationship more and more. Some disagreements don't have any significant effect once both "agree to disagree", but others affect the life of the other person in a significant way. This is generally the case with finances, place of residence, bearing and raising children, keeping a home organized, spending time together, and more.

What can you do to "be one" with someone when a disagreement impacts both of your lives in a significant way? This is the question I propose to answer.

Warning: The answer is for oneself and not to be applied to the other person because that would not be healthy. It's okay to hope that the other person will notice changes and follow the example, but to expect it or push for it is not advised. Okay, so what is the answer?

It all starts with love.

If you are not feeling a lot of love towards them at this moment, search within yourself and re-ignite the love you have for them. In some cases, this might be very difficult because you feel so much hurt. Pray for you to be able to feel the pure love of Christ towards them. Remember how you met. Remember what brought you close together. Remember good times together. Think about what you have in common including interests, goals, values, beliefs, etc. Think about what you appreciate, admire, respect, and love about them. Think about what you hope for your future with them. Think about their potential and who they really are inside.

Love will inspire you to think more about them than yourself. From 1 Cor. 13 we read, "Charity...seeketh not her own,..." Matt 16:25 states, "for whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Mosiah 2:17 states, "...when ye are in service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." These scriptures help us see that in order to achieve true love, we need to be selfless, and lose ourselves in the service of others. In doing so, we will be blessed with a greater capacity to love and serve. We must be careful to not take on more than we can do, however, "for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength." (Mos. 4:27) Still, you are capable of doing much, maybe even more than you thought possible. By serving, your love will grow and strengthen.

Along with love, have faith in them. For some, it is easier to have faith in God than in someone who is imperfect and mortal just as yourself. In this case, have faith in them, trusting that God is helping and supporting them. Even when we make mistakes, God is there to help us pick up the pieces, and start again. Wouldn't it be better to do that together as one than to be divided? "Two are better than one;...for if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe unto him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up." (Eccl. 4:8-9)

The answer is to "go along for the ride." Allow them to discover the truth, with you by their side. Share your thoughts and ideas only when they actually want you to. If you're not sure whether they want to hear them, then ask them. Go along with what they want to do (even if you don't agree). When you notice their good ideas and successes, point them out. Support them in their struggles. Comfort them when they need it. If they look to you for validation of their feelings, do so. If they lack confidence in their ideas, encourage them, trying out the ideas with them. As they look to you for help, commit to do so, and follow through with your commitments as best you can. If you struggle, share your personal challenges and ask them (and even others) for advice. When things don't work out well, point out observations (not conclusions) and ask them for advice.

Through love and faith in them, you can "be one" with someone else, even when you don't agree on issues that impact both of your lives in a significant way.