Interpreting Behavior Red Flags

There are quite a few behavior red flags that are commonly misunderstood.  How often do you see people repeatedly arguing, whining, controlling, demanding, etc.?

Often we write people off who behave in these ways as "having issues".  We tell them to stop doing it and to grow up.   Criticizing them will not help them grow.  These behaviors are a cry for help that all too often we ignore.

Once recognized, the solution is simple.  If someone doesn't feel understood then listen by putting yourself into their shoes.  If they aren't seeing the impact of their actions, hear them out and then share your perspective.  If they don't feel accepted, share God's love for them and invite them to serve in some capacity, accepting them as a person, without judgement or criticism (which doesn't mean you agree with or condone their actions).  If someone is grieving, have compassion on them, be there for them, and listen.

The post on Growing in Love provides a complete framework for helping them to grow in love.
To better understand what listening is, see Listening 101.

If we better interpret behavior, we can make a huge difference in helping people to grow in happiness.

Growing in Love - Examples

The post on "Growing in Love" is has a lot of information.  What does it really look like in everyday life?  I'd like to show this with some examples.

• Unloving: "Leave me alone."
  
  Hearing out: "I need some time alone right now.  Can you find something to do for a bit."
• Unloving: "Don't cry!"
  
  Hearing out: "Why are you crying?  What's wrong?"
• Unloving: "You have to finish your food."
  
  Hearing out: "If we don't finish our food, we end up throwing it away and wasting it.  It's sad for me because I work hard to get and prepare the food.  What can you do to make this better?"
• Unloving: "Give back that toy!  You need to share."
  
  Hearing out: "You really want to play with that cool toy, right?" (wait for response) "It looks pretty fun...  What does Billy want?" (wait for response and, if needed, explain that Billy wants to play with it too)  "What can you do to make this better?"
• Unloving: "I can't believe you wrecked our car!  Were you texting while driving!?!"
  
  Hearing out: "You must be so shaken up!  Wrecks can be so scary.  How are you doing?"  After you listen with love and understanding, ask, "What can we do to make this better?"

These examples are just some that I thought of.  There are an unlimited number of problems.  The whole point is to hear out the problem with love and understanding.  The most important thing is to put yourself into their shoes and help them feel understood.

What I've seen is that taking 10 extra seconds to help someone feel understood has a HUGE impact!  Children who are possessive will suddenly be willing to play together, take turns, offer other toys, etc.  People respond immediately to it in very positive ways.

I'd love to hear about even better ways to address these situations or about other situations that you encounter.  My only desire is that we can all grow in love.

Stories:

• I hear screaming from the other room from my 5 year old son.  I walk in and say "B, you're really sad?" 
  "Yes."
  "What do you want?"
  "I want Jason to not hurt me."
  "Jason hurt you?"
  "Yeah."
  "What does Jason want?"
  He calms down significantly.
  "He wants to not eat the candy."
  "What can you do so that you and him are both happy?"
  "Not have him eat the candy."
  "What else?"
  "Give him a hug."
  "Great idea.  Go ahead."