How to solve conflicts

Life is full of problems.  Many times these problems are conflicts between the needs or wants of different people.  We are all unique with our own feelings and desires.  When the desires and needs of one person conflict with those of another, it can be very challenging to resolve.  I want to share a very simple and powerful technique that has done wonders in my home and elsewhere. 

Here are some simple steps to resolve a conflict between people.

See diagram: 

1. Notice the suffering.

• So often conflicts relate to suffering that people are going through.  Is there suffering that you are aware of or might there be some that you're not aware of that is at the root of the conflict?By realizing that people are suffering, you will more likely feel compassion and "take your walls down".  That simple step can make all the difference in the world in how you interact with them.
• Time: This will probably only take seconds.
• See Behavior Red Flags to help do this.

2. Help one person feel understood.

• Make sure you are calm enough to do this.
• Get their attention (if they resist, let them know you want everyone involved to be happy).
• Find out what they want, putting yourself into their shoes, and listening with love.  Often just noticing is enough and no question is needed.
• Help them feel understood by restating as a question, with empathy.  This helps them to immediately feel understood, calm down, stop any bad behavior (for now), "take their walls down", and open themselves up to listening. 
• Time: This can take as little as 2 sentences from you.

• "Hold on guys...  Preston, what are you wanting right now?" (wait for answer)
• "You want to _______?"  (wait for answer)
• "Why?"   -OR-  "I can see why you want to, you love doing that." (i.e. show empathy in some way)

3. Involve that person to help the other person feel understood.

• Ask them what the others want.  If they don't know, they can always ask.  If struggling, encourage the other person to share their perspective.
• Time: This can take as little as 1 sentence from you.

• (You) "What does Holly want?"
• (Preston) "I don't know"
• (You) "How about if you ask her?"
• (Preston) "What do you want, Holly?"
• (Holly) "I want ____________"
• (You) "Preston, will you please help Holly feel understood?  Try describing to her what she wants and why."
• (Preston) "You want _____ because ____, right?"
• (Holly) "Yes"

4. Ask: "What can you do to help both of you be happy?"

• Have faith in their ability to find such a solution.  If they don't know or they want help, share your perspective with love, offering ideas.  Encourage any idea that results in all of you being happy.  
• Follow up to verify that both are happy.  Congratulate and express your own happiness.  
• If it involves a commitment going forward, help set a time frame to something short like 24 hours, then gradually extend, following up each time.  When they complete commitments even partially, get excited and ask them how they did it.
• Time: This can take as little as 2-3 sentences from you.

• (You) "Preston, what can you do to help you and Holly both be happy" (wait for answer)
• (Preston) "I don't know"
• (You) "How about if you ________?"
• (Preston) "Ok.  Holly, how about if we ______?"
• (Holly) Ok.
• (You) "OK, are you both happy now?" (wait for answer)
• (Preston) "Yeah."
• (Holly) "Yeah."
• (You) "Well done, guys!!!  I love that."

With this very simple technique, the problem can be solved, feelings remedied, and all of you being happy!!!  It can sometimes take as few as 5-6 sentences from you!  This same approach applies if you yourself are the other person involved in the situation.  This approach works even in difficult situations.  It avoids any kind of destructive feedback; destructive feedback distracts from resolving conflicts.  It avoids deferring to rules; rules are not some set of unbreakable rules.  If feelings are too elevated, consider allowing time to allow everyone to calm down first.  The backbone of all of this is your desire for everyone involved to be happy and your confidence that it is achievable with enough healthy communication.

One of my life coaching clients shared that when their spouse quickly just gave in and agreed to what they were asking for, it was not satisfying.  It felt more like a cop-out.   In fact, it didn't even really matter to them whether they got what they were asking for because what they really wanted was to feel heard, understood, and felt.  I've seen that pattern in my own experience as well.  A relationship is not about getting what you want or giving them what they want - it is about connection.  The connection makes all the difference.  It makes the motive behind what we do be pure.  It makes expressions of love be genuine.  

Quiz (for fun):

If you do all of these things in this order, at what point does the other person stop their bad behavior:

a. When you see their bad behavior as suffering.

b. When you understand what they want.

c. When you help them feel understood.

d. When you give them what they want.

Answer: (c).  In fact, you don't even need to do (d) if it isn't a win-win solution.

Fear, Love, and Healing

I just watched an amazing movie on Netflix called Heal.  I highly recommend watching it.  I need to share what I learned from it as well as the most effective way I know of to heal.

Everyone has fear.  We fear failure, rejection, the unknown, not being good enough, and so much more.  Fear causes stress.  Our body considers us in danger and puts us into "fight or flight" mode.  When in "fight or flight" mode, our brain naturally shifts most of our energy and focus to the fear at hand, deferring proper bodily function and healing until after the fear is resolved.

In our day and age what we fear doesn't usually require a physical battle or literally running away from danger.  The kind of fear we experience doesn't seem to have a clear solution.  With no such obvious solution, we usually don't end up addressing the fear at all.  Instead, we live with it by a myriad of approaches, some more destructive than others.  Some cope by escaping into video games, social media, thrills, pornography, or overworking.  Some cope by numbing with drugs or alcohol.  Some cope by seeking consolation with comfort food or sharing their story for validation.  There are many many more coping strategies that don't actually address the problem.

Without actually resolving the fear, our body doesn't get the expected relief which would have come from victory or getting away from the danger.  Instead, we usually remain in "flight or flight" mode, often for days, weeks, years, or decades.  By staying in this mode, our body accumulates tension, it starts to aggravate us, it spreads, finds a home in weak parts of our body, develops, and finally diversifies into any of several kinds of diseases or manifestations.  These include cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, lupus, and so many more.

What we don't often realize is that fear is actually a wake-up call.  Our body is trying to get us to really address the cause of the fear.  It's like an alarm clock, but we keep hitting the snooze button over and over instead of actually getting up.  It is trying to help us to learn, grow, and move forward in our lives.  Unfortunately, it doesn't communicate that clearly.  We generally mistake it for something else entirely.  A similar example to this is that when we push ourselves too much, we end up with pain, illness, or exhaustion.  Our body is telling us we need to slow down and respect our capacity.  The question is, will we listen?

When we finally hit our breaking point or realize that we need to make a real change, do we even know how?  How can we truly address our fears?  There are many ideas, but how to know which ones won't end up feeding the fear instead?

The solution to all fear is love.  Love has many forms: gratitude, forgiveness, letting others in, seeking understanding, compassion, service, relaxing, doing what we enjoy, acting on what we truly desire deep down, connecting with nature, connecting with our higher power, creating, growing in knowledge, art, music, affection, putting ourselves in others' shoes, the Golden Rule, being yourself, and so much more.

The challenge is that when we are in the midst of fear, it is hard to act with genuine love. We might serve, but it might be more out of fear of being useless, fear of being judged as selfish or lazy, fear of not being needed, fear of not being loving.  We might overcommit ourselves out of a desire to love, but then miserably fail to do as we've said, leading to more hurt than healing.

How can we let go of fear so that we can heal with love?  Some ideas that people have found effective to make this transition are laughter, music, forgiveness, hypnotherapy, EFT, yoga, Cranial Sacral, Reiki, massage, breath work, burn letters, and acupuncture.  (ideas from "Heal" on Netflix)

The technique that I believe is the most effective is from Byron Katie on TheWork.com.  In fairness, I have not tried most of the different techniques, but the incredible way that this technique has drastically helped in a wide range of situations in my own life and in the dozens of people I have facilitated is truly amazing.  It is a meditation technique called inquiry which is simply answering a set of questions.  These questions bring awareness of what the wake-up call is trying to tell us.  In doing so, it turns our fears, frustrations, and stresses into gems of understanding that can immediately enable us to let go of our negative thoughts and fears.  It brings us to our center - our home - where we feel free, feel at peace, and feel happiness.  It shows us what is truly in our control and what we need to do.  The answers it provides come from within us.  We already have the answers; we just need to access them.  By using this technique over the last couple of years, on April 15, 2019, I was able to let go of the fears that have driven me in my day to day life.  I am not overcommitting myself, I'm being open, accepting of myself, being real, laboring out of love instead of fear or duty, and facing fear when it comes to the door.  I still have a lot to learn but it has been wonderful.

Imagine how life could be by letting go of fear and fully embracing love.  If you'd like help doing so, please ask me.