How to overcome stress, anxiety, frustrations, and sadness through Inquiry

Want to overcome stress, anxiety, frustrations, and sadness?

My previous post of "Life is 10% of What Happens to Me and 90% of How I React to It" described TheWork.com from Byron Katie. Here are my own "Inquiry" questions based on the questions from TheWork.com. I came up with them to help make them conversation friendly, require less explaining, and take less time.

I highly recommend having someone who is familiar with the process walk you through it for at least the first few times. Their most important job is to hold you to each question until you've fully answered it.

1: What is causing you suffering, that should not be the case? (1 concise sentence)
2: If you could just snap your fingers, how would you like them to change (how they think, talk, feel and act)? (at least a paragraph) 3: From 1 to 10 how confident are you that it is absolutely true? 4: How complete is your perspective of the whole picture? (What percentage is your story of the full and clear picture? How complete is this story.) 5: How is the story affecting you (including how you see/treat them, see/treat yourself, and see your world and future)? (at least a paragraph) 6: If you (hypothetically) lost the ability to see it that way, how would you be? (at least a paragraph) 7: Re-read #5 and #6 and ask: Is there any reason to hold onto that story? 8: How is the advice from #2 true after replacing them with you? 9: If you step back, how is the advice from #2 true after swapping you and them? 10: In what ways have they already done the advice from #2 (and/or opposite of #1)? 11: What is within your control to significantly improve your peace and happiness about this? (at least a paragraph)
Remember the realms of power.
See my favorite quotes from Byron Katie.

You can contact me if you'd like my help in doing this.

Tip for finding a topic:
* What are you unhappy about?
* On a scale from 1 to 10 how happy are you?  What happened that keeps you from being at a 10?
* What is your biggest fear?
* Where is love needed in your life?  Why?

Tip when helping someone do this who is going on tangents:
Stop them and explain how the ego needs to keep telling the story. The real answers have a hard time getting through when the ego keeps talking.

Spotlight: A fun and uplifting group game

This game was an answer to prayer.  It is called "Spotlight".  It's kind of like "I spy" mixed with the grateful game.  The person who goes first secretly chooses someone in the group and starts giving hints.  Each hint is something that they like about the person (e.g. "I like that this person ...").  As soon as someone is confident they know who it is, they declare their guess.  If they're wrong, they can't guess anymore (that is to avoid just listing everyone's names as guesses).  If they are right, they get to choose whose turn it is next. 

The beauty of the game is that the whole time they are comments that are positive about someone in the group.  To make it not obvious who they are about, the hints often apply to multiple people which spreads the love even more.  When someone guesses, even if it is wrong, it is affirming positive things about someone in the group.  In order to play the game more and more, different hints are needed which involves identifying more and more positive things about members of the group.

This game is simple and beautiful, not to mention fun to play.

"Life is 10% of What Happens to Me and 90% of How I React to It"

See: printable version

We were born full of love, peace, kindness, forgiveness, light, and all that is good.  Our lives on Earth have helped us to appreciate these by showing us their opposites: love vs. hate, peace vs. contention, kindness vs. selfishness, forgiveness vs. bitterness, light vs. darkness, and all that is good vs. all that is bad.

In order to grasp these opposites, we have two kinds of voices in our mind: our ego and our soul self.  The ego fights for the stage of our mind and remains there when we believe what it says.  Our soul self patiently waits for a turn to take the stage.

Our ego compares us with other people, compares what has happened with what it thinks should have happened, and compares our circumstances with what might have been.  It says "they should/shouldn't " and "In the past, I should/shouldn't have ". It takes others' actions and words, along with these thoughts, and creates enormous drama around them.  It sees us as the victim.  That drama wreaks violence on ourselves, pushing us toward misery: stress, worry, questioning our worth, depression, anxiety, isolation, feeling misunderstood, and suffering. 

This misery causes significant trauma to our mind and body, which often leads to health issues.  The more in balance you get your mind, the less your body will suffer.  "Body follows mind."

Our soul self is who we really are.  It is made of love, peace, forgiveness and all that is good.  It doesn't react to negative thoughts.  It simply observes our stream of thoughts, observes others, observes what is happening, and finds the good in all of it. 

Reality includes everything that has happened.  Arguing what should or shouldn't have happened is futile.  When you argue with reality you will only lose always.  Instead, accept reality by questioning your ego's drama in order to quiet it.  Then give your soul self the stage and you will be surprised at the difference.

Our reactions are violence upon ourselves.  Happiness and peace are found instead in observing everything without creating this drama.  That will quiet our ego and allow our soul self to be on stage and fill us with joy, light, and peace.  Having this light enables us to be angels in others' lives.  The most effective way I've found to do this is by doing a TheWork.com worksheet.

Each time you do a worksheet you get your mind more into balance.  The first one that you do properly will blow your mind.  If available, have someone familiar with it walk you through it.  If not, the most important thing is to allow your mind sufficient time to allow the answers to the questions to surface without rushing or avoiding them.

The process of doing a worksheet

You can download a Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet from thework.com.  Alternatively, you can use blank paper. I include the questions below.

1. Think of a person and situation that has caused you the most suffering in your life that you can think of right now.  It can anytime in your life including today.  It can by anyone, although for the first 10 or so, don’t have it be about yourself.
2. Fill out questions 1 through 6, putting as much of your frustration and negative emotion into your answers as you can.  It’s ok to swear if that helps.  You don’t need to write down details; very simple sentences are best.
• 1. In this situation, who angers, confuses, saddens, disappoints you and why?
• I am [emotion] with/at [person’s name] because __________.
• 2. In this situation, how do you want them to change?
• I want [person’s name] to ________.
• 3. In this situation, what advice would you offer them?
• [person’s name] should/shouldn’t ________.
• 4. In order for you to be happy, what do you need them to think say, feel, or do?
• I need [person’s name] to _________.
• 5. What do you think of them in this situation?  Make a list.  (be petty and judgemental)
• [person’s name] is ___________.
• 6. What is it about this situation that you don’t ever want to experience again?
• I don’t ever want _____________.
3. Then choose sentence in #1 or #3 incites the most emotion in you.  Use it to answer “the four questions”.  Keep yourself focusing on the situation as you answer them.
• #1 “Is it true?”  Answer with a simple yes or no.
• #2 is worth thinking for a few seconds about.  “Can you absolutely know that it’s true?”  Answer with a simple yes or no.
• #3 is a major question.  “How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? (1-3 minutes)”.  Here are some sub-questions to help you fully answer it.  This should take some time.  Write down (or have someone else) your answers to compare with the answers to #4.  Fill up a page with your answers.
• Who are you with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you see them with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you treat them with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you react physically with the thought (e.g. tense)? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you see yourself with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you treat yourself with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• What do you see in that situation with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• What does your world/future look like with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• #4 is a critical question.  “Who would you be without the thought?”  This should have as full of an answer as #3.  This is a thought experiment.  It’s hypothetical.  This is a form of meditation.  Write down (or have someone else) your answers to compare with the answers to #3.  Fill up a page with your answers.
• Who are you without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you see them without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you treat them without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How are you physically without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you see yourself without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you treat yourself without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• What do you see in that situation without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• What does your world/future look like without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• Now, review the answers to #3 and #4 and ask yourself: “Do you see any reason to keep the thought?”  (The more thoroughly, sincerely, and confidently you’ve answered them, the more convinced you’ll usually be)
4. Now turn your answers to the first 6 questions around.
• For each of the first 5 questions, turn it around in all of the following ways.  For each one, find at least 3 genuine ways in which the statement is true (it’s ok to treat it more figurative than literal if needed).  Note: a) and b) will be the same as each other on statements that don't include you.
• a) To the self:  Replace the person’s name with yourself.
• b) To the other: Replace their name with yours, and your name with theirs.
• c) To the opposite: Make the statement the exact opposite (e.g. from "He is mean" to “He is nice”).
• For question 6, replace "I don't ever want" with each of the following and find at least 3 genuine ways in which the statement is true.  Note: Until you can look forward to all aspects of life without fear, your Work is not done (do more worksheets as needed).
• "I am willing"
• "I look forward"

Conclusion

Doing the worksheets help you come back to yourself and what is within your own control.  You’ll let go of judging and holding onto expectations of others, God, and the past.  “Should” and “shouldn’t” will fall out of your vocabulary, and you will find yourself in peace and feel lighter, where love, joy, and happiness come easily.