Last night I had a great realization. I got after my child about not doing their assigned chores. I poked and pressured, expressed my frustration, and generally drove a wedge deeper between us, beat a dead horse about it, and chased away good feelings. Afterward, in private, my amazing wife asked me what I was doing. She pointed out what I was doing and pointed out that I was obeying fear, and that I need to apply "not obeying fear" to myself [in these interactions]. I pondered about it (on a walk) and realized that I had been trying to "put my foot down", "be the man of the house", "be the bad cop", "tell them what they need to hear", etc. which is all fear-based. I was literally forcing myself to be someone that I am not in order to fill a role that I thought I had to fill. In doing so, I wasn't actually being someone who no one wanted me to be, including myself. In fact, I was being completely insincere, not speaking from the heart, doing something I really didn't want to do, and that I was being very shallow, unfeeling, robotic, and disconnected from myself. I saw that I was sending out vibes of disgust toward my child and that that feeling of disgust was actually coming from disgust for who I was being. I hated how I was acting, didn't believe in it at all, and had no integrity in being that way. The more I thought about it the more I didn't want to be that way ever again. I saw that my wife, even when she elevated her voice or was emphatic about something, she was being genuine and sincere. Doing so enables her to send love, even if it's tough love, in her words and message.
I decided to strive to never be that way again. I never want to be the "insincere, strict dad". I want to be genuine and sincere. I want to use the tools that I have been given in being a peacemaker and holding accountable in the Lord's way and to be real. I want to not obey fear.
Last night I realized that I have an alternate mode and/or personality. However, I choose to be my true genuine self with compassion, seeking understanding and growing in love.
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