A Trick to Avoid Trials

Are you worried about what life will bring?  Are you afraid of certain kinds of trials?  I've learned a trick that can reduce and nearly eliminate specific trials.  The answer is found in understanding why we have trials.  Some reasons that we have trials are to humble us, motivate us to learn, help us improve our perspective, learn specific lessons and become better people.  

The trick is similar to "clepping" out of classes in college.  This is where you prepare on your own and then show up for a single test.  If you do well enough on the test, you get the credit as if you had taken the entire class.  The college is satisfied because you have proven that you have learned what you needed to, even if you avoided all of the time and effort in attending class and doing homework.

The same can happen with our trials.  Ponder about the trial and imagine what lessons you would learn from it.  Study good information sufficiently so that you have a working understanding of those lessons.  Next, do your best to live accordingly.  The trial will likely come, but often in an abbreviated, temporary form...just enough to verify that you have learned what you needed to.  Once that is over, if you continue to incorporate those lessons in your life, you will likely avoid that same trial ever again.

There is so much to learn in this life, that there's not much purpose in you having a trial for which you've already learned the lessons from.  Being proactive has great benefits.

How to Heal from Deeply Buried Pain

I believe that every person in the world has had deep, deep pain.  It could be from physical, emotional, or mental abuse, guilt, abandonment, rejection, neglect, ridicule, criticism, contempt, shame, judging, or anything else.  This pain almost always buries itself deep within us.

Any experience that remotely resembles one of the experiences associated with this pain can trigger instant hurt and lead us to reacting in a very hurtful and negative way, even if it was an innocent action that triggered it.  These are more than little pet peeves, although those may even be rooted in this pain.  These pain points are very sensitive.  They can keep us from being the kind of person we want to be.  They can in turn, lead us to hurting others very deeply.  Often psychologists diagnose emotional issues as caused by a painful childhood.  Even hurt from decades earlier can affect us today much more than we realize.

Pain points can remain even if we don't feel bitterness toward others, and while we feel that we have forgiven others for anything they've done.  Pain points are scars left behind that we don't imagine will ever heal.  I now know differently.

Jesus Christ has literally and fully healed some of my pain points.  I have full faith that He can heal all of them.  I'm going through that process at this point in my life.  I yearn for this healing because I believe it will completely change how I look at and treat others, especially those closest to me.  I have already seen a change in me, and they have too.  I'm writing this to help others who may seek this as well.  I'm writing this before I've healed all of my pain points so that I can do so while it is still new to me, and I haven't gotten so comfortable with the process that all of the steps blend into one.

Here are the steps that work for me.  Feel free to adjust these or come up with your own completely.  The most important thing is drawing on the love and Atonement of Our Savior Jesus Christ to be healed of the pain.

1. Identify some of your pain points.  Write as many down as you can.  This can be a very painful process, and it's important that it not break you.  If it is getting too difficult, pause and regroup.  It may be helpful to write down some smaller ones first.  
2. Once you have some listed, choose one small one.  I tried to take a group of about five that were related, and I found out very quickly that it was too much for me.  Take it easy, especially if this is your first time.  It will get easier with practice.
3. For one specific pain point: 
1. Talk to a friend or to God, describing the pain.  You will likely feel that pain welling up within you as you focus on it.  Say anything that you need to so that it is fully identified.
2. Pray and tell God that you don't want to feel that pain anymore.  Express your desire and will to be free from it through Jesus Christ.
3. Tell God that you accept Christ's suffering as full and complete payment for all that you have ever suffered around that pain.  Tell God that you forgive the people involved.  Use their names to make it personal and complete.  You may feel the burden beginning to lift at this point.
4. Next plead for Jesus Christ to remove the pain point.  Plead for Him to pull it out of you (like sucking venom from a snake bite or surgically removing a tumor).  Plead for the pain to be gone.  Repeat or elaborate as needed until the pain is removed.  This can be a painful process as the hurt and misery of the pain point is pulled out of you.  When it is done, you should feel a calm coming over you and no longer feel that pain.  
5. Thank Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for what they have just done for you.
6. Envision someone doing something that would have triggered the pain point.  Plan what you will do to respond with love, respect, and/or understanding.  (This is to prevent the pain point from returning.)
4. Whenever ready to do this again, repeat these steps, starting at step 2 for another pain point.
5. When the list of pain points is exhausted, try to identify more, starting at step 1 until you are fully healed of all pain points.

I wondered if the pain point was really gone.  I started to think about the specifics (from step 3), and instead of feeling pain, I felt peace.  It was amazing.  It was a miracle.

What's more is that in the place of there being pain in that part of my heart, I felt love.  The pain point was replaced with the Love of God.  It is amazing.  As I went through this process, I could feel myself changing.  I look forward to completing my entire list.  When I'm done, I will look for more pain points and heal those until I have none left.  That will be a new beginning for me in my life.  I believe that I will be much more kind, loving, and giving.  I will be the kind of person that I want to be.

How to move from failure to success - 2nd edition

In the 1st edition of this topic, I was thinking that we should focus on improving specific things that we do.  I'm not so sure now that that's the right approach.

I had an epiphany.  We are all human and mortal.  Our Heavenly Father wants us to let Him in to be part of our lives.  He wants us to rely on Him.  He doesn't expect or even want us to be perfect on our own.  He wants us to be perfect in Christ.  He wants us to become one with Christ by submitting our will to Him.  He gives us weaknesses so that we are humble (Ether 12:27).  Our weaknesses are not the problem.  Our selfishness, fear, guilt, doubt, uncertainty, hate, etc. are the problem.  

By uniting ourselves with the Savior, we will fully forgive others, drawing on His strength and the power of the Atonement, eliminating all of the hate and pain that we feel.  We will have faith in Christ, be willing to take leaps of faith, see others and situations with an eye of faith, and as we pass the trials of our faith, we will receive the testimony and knowledge that always follows those trials.  We will no longer be held back by all of the negative, and we will be free.  We will be filled with joy, hope, and charity.  We will have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, having his constant guidance.  We will be praying almost always, as if speaking with a friend, coworker, or companion that we do EVERYTHING with.

Anything that we put significant time and effort into accomplishing, we will accomplish. We will get better at it, it will become easier over time, etc.  That is simply how we function.  Where we put our time and effort is another way of stating our will.  Our minds will automatically find better ways to do whatever we choose to do.

If we put our time and effort into becoming one with the Christ, we will have immediate access to His guidance, happiness, faith, forgiveness, hope, and love.  As Ammon puts it, "I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" (Alma 26:12).  With that power, we will have no trouble at all speaking with respect, not taking our loved ones for granted, forgiving immediately, being transparent, being trustworthy, giving love abundantly, and anything else that you may want to work on.

The solution is to "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." (D&C 6:36).   "Pray always lest ye enter into temptation."  We will have sure footing, help others like never before, have joy more than we can today imagine, and do so much more than we ever thought possible.  Our weaknesses will be balanced by His strength.  We will find and have success.

How to move from failure to success

Failure happens when expectations exceed capacity.  Many people live in situations where the expectations others and even themselves have exceed their capacity to accomplish.  Some are limited in their capacity due to limitations in physical or mental health.  Others are have expectations on themselves or from others which are simply not realistic.  The result is that after trying and trying to meet those expectations, the result is disappointment, the motivation wains, and the purpose dissipates into misery and "hell".

Today, I was inspired with an idea to fix this situation.  Expectations are either some task to be completed or some behavior to be lived.  The ideas are based on "Agile Software Development", of which I'm very familiar as a computer programmer.  The idea is to apply those principles to life.  I may be a successful computer programmer, but I have serious room to grow in life where I sometimes feel failure.

Here is the structure:
Note: You can choose to not include work to accomplish or not include behavior to establish as habit if you wish.  Also, this can be done as an individual or as a family or group.

• Identify (and write down) positive behaviors that are already established habit.  These are your strengths.  They are often "how" you do things.
• Choose how frequently (such as two weeks) in which to plan, perform, review, and hold a retrospective.  This time period is called an iteration (aka sprint).
• Have a backlog of work to accomplish.  Each work item (aka story) must be scoped small enough to be doable within a single iteration.  It may be helpful to identify epics or initiatives which are categories that they belong to.
• Identify positive behaviors that you want to have as habits.  Put those on the same backlog.  Again, it may be helpful to identify epics or initiatives which are categories that they belong to.
• Prioritize the backlog enough to know which ones are likely candidates for the next iteration.  This should be done initially, and at least once during each iteration.
• Begin having iterations:
• The first day involves planning what you plan to accomplish and what 3 to 5 behaviors you will work on. Identify the "acceptance criteria" to indicate how the behavior will be measured and considered acceptable. This could be daily verbal or nonverbal feedback or self-evaluation.  Don't take on more than you think you can accomplish (which will become easier to tell over time, especially if you give some kind of numerical size to each item on the backlog, and notice the total of the sizes completed in past iterations), but try to stretch yourselves so that it requires real effort.  Work items to accomplish should be broken down into tasks which should be doable in a day or so.  Create a chart to track if behaviors are followed each day.
• Each day, share with each other what you did the day before, what you're committing to finishing that day, and any issues blocking progress.
• Each day, record on the chart whether or not each behavior was followed.  The number of days in a row in which a behavior is followed is most significant since it is one of the keys to measuring how effectively the habit is being formed.
• The last day, review what was accomplished, and also have a retrospective discussion where you read your notes from the previous retrospective and then note what went well this iteration, what didn't go so well, and how to improve for the next iteration.
• As new behaviors become habits which no longer need conscious effort, add them to your list of strengths.
• Then, right away, start the next iteration, beginning with planning.

The result will be that (even if not at first) you will begin to succeed at meeting expectations (established during planning).  The expectations that you focus on will being to match your capacity, and any excessive external expectations will decrease in relevance and with communication may even converge on your expectations.  You will have specific things to focus your valuable time and effort on, and you will learn and grow in a much more healthy way.

Misinterpreted tone?

Ever get into arguments about how you said something?  Are people getting offended when you weren't trying to do so?  Stop nitpicking about what the intended tone is.

Instead, make everything you say also include the (usually unspoken) message that you love them!  You can let someone know you love them when you ask for a favor, discuss dinner options, describe your day, or anything else!

If you are not feeling love within you, you are not complete at this time.  This is dangerous and urgent. Do what it takes to feel that love.  Vocalize about how well others (especially God and your Savior) understand you, the love they have for you, what they have done for you, what they're willing to do for you, and how many times.  Count your blessings.  Pray to be filled with love.

Children's control of parental discipline

The child chooses when a punishment is needed by their behavior; parents choose the punishment; children choose if the punishment is enough (or the correct type) by their behavior.

This can result in very different punishments for different children from the same behavior.