Communicating effectively: circumstances, emotions, and desires

Too often in our communication, we say things that build walls, fear, and isolation instead of compassion and connection.  Expressing negative thoughts, negative tone, and expectations, and acting out our emotions cause all kinds of barriers and defensiveness.  It can get to the point of actually training the other person to not listen to you.  The golden parts of what we are really hoping to express are our emotions, circumstances, and desires.  Those three are the least controversial, build the most connection, and inspire the most compassion and curiosity.  Desires are not the same as expectations, although often conflated.  

Even when you understand what a desire is, it can still be very difficult to convey in an effective way.  We don't want the other person to feel pressured, obligated, or otherwise feel like we expect them to comply.  We want them to see an opportunity that they can do something meaningful and fulfilling.  We want them to feel compassion and enjoy the experience.  In considering various approaches, and with total flexibility, I've decided that my preferred approach looks something like this:

"I'm feeling ______ (with _____).   I would ______ to ________ if it's ok."

It is probably intuitive enough, but here it is with more detail of what goes where. 

 "I'm feeling _(emotion)__ (with __(circumstances)__).   I would _(my likely response to a yes)__ to ____(my desire)____ if it's ok."

The "with ____" part is optional.  It is there to convey your circumstances and may or may not be helpful based on the situation.

Example:

"I'm feeling really anxious right now with so much going on.  I would love to have some of those chocolate-covered cinnamon bears if it's ok."

I'm hoping that this approach does all of the following:

• expresses my emotions and desires
• builds connection
• inspires compassion
• honors boundaries
• enables the other person to not feel manipulated (giving them an easy-in to explain any obstacles to what I'm wanting)
• doesn't require or emphasize that the other person is in control of the situation
• doesn't imply that the other person would be likely to withhold (such as being surprised if they say yes)
• allows the other person to claim or own control if they see it that way
• describes what my reaction will be to a positive response
• inspires an overall feeling of gratitude and connection throughout and afterward

I would absolutely love for each of us to communicate effectively in ways that build connections, inspire compassion, lead to living more deeply, and living in more fulfilling ways.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback on this, especially if you try it out.