How to move from failure to success - 2nd edition

In the 1st edition of this topic, I was thinking that we should focus on improving specific things that we do.  I'm not so sure now that that's the right approach.

I had an epiphany.  We are all human and mortal.  Our Heavenly Father wants us to let Him in to be part of our lives.  He wants us to rely on Him.  He doesn't expect or even want us to be perfect on our own.  He wants us to be perfect in Christ.  He wants us to become one with Christ by submitting our will to Him.  He gives us weaknesses so that we are humble (Ether 12:27).  Our weaknesses are not the problem.  Our selfishness, fear, guilt, doubt, uncertainty, hate, etc. are the problem.  

By uniting ourselves with the Savior, we will fully forgive others, drawing on His strength and the power of the Atonement, eliminating all of the hate and pain that we feel.  We will have faith in Christ, be willing to take leaps of faith, see others and situations with an eye of faith, and as we pass the trials of our faith, we will receive the testimony and knowledge that always follows those trials.  We will no longer be held back by all of the negative, and we will be free.  We will be filled with joy, hope, and charity.  We will have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, having his constant guidance.  We will be praying almost always, as if speaking with a friend, coworker, or companion that we do EVERYTHING with.

Anything that we put significant time and effort into accomplishing, we will accomplish. We will get better at it, it will become easier over time, etc.  That is simply how we function.  Where we put our time and effort is another way of stating our will.  Our minds will automatically find better ways to do whatever we choose to do.

If we put our time and effort into becoming one with the Christ, we will have immediate access to His guidance, happiness, faith, forgiveness, hope, and love.  As Ammon puts it, "I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" (Alma 26:12).  With that power, we will have no trouble at all speaking with respect, not taking our loved ones for granted, forgiving immediately, being transparent, being trustworthy, giving love abundantly, and anything else that you may want to work on.

The solution is to "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." (D&C 6:36).   "Pray always lest ye enter into temptation."  We will have sure footing, help others like never before, have joy more than we can today imagine, and do so much more than we ever thought possible.  Our weaknesses will be balanced by His strength.  We will find and have success.

How to move from failure to success

Failure happens when expectations exceed capacity.  Many people live in situations where the expectations others and even themselves have exceed their capacity to accomplish.  Some are limited in their capacity due to limitations in physical or mental health.  Others are have expectations on themselves or from others which are simply not realistic.  The result is that after trying and trying to meet those expectations, the result is disappointment, the motivation wains, and the purpose dissipates into misery and "hell".

Today, I was inspired with an idea to fix this situation.  Expectations are either some task to be completed or some behavior to be lived.  The ideas are based on "Agile Software Development", of which I'm very familiar as a computer programmer.  The idea is to apply those principles to life.  I may be a successful computer programmer, but I have serious room to grow in life where I sometimes feel failure.

Here is the structure:
Note: You can choose to not include work to accomplish or not include behavior to establish as habit if you wish.  Also, this can be done as an individual or as a family or group.

• Identify (and write down) positive behaviors that are already established habit.  These are your strengths.  They are often "how" you do things.
• Choose how frequently (such as two weeks) in which to plan, perform, review, and hold a retrospective.  This time period is called an iteration (aka sprint).
• Have a backlog of work to accomplish.  Each work item (aka story) must be scoped small enough to be doable within a single iteration.  It may be helpful to identify epics or initiatives which are categories that they belong to.
• Identify positive behaviors that you want to have as habits.  Put those on the same backlog.  Again, it may be helpful to identify epics or initiatives which are categories that they belong to.
• Prioritize the backlog enough to know which ones are likely candidates for the next iteration.  This should be done initially, and at least once during each iteration.
• Begin having iterations:
• The first day involves planning what you plan to accomplish and what 3 to 5 behaviors you will work on. Identify the "acceptance criteria" to indicate how the behavior will be measured and considered acceptable. This could be daily verbal or nonverbal feedback or self-evaluation.  Don't take on more than you think you can accomplish (which will become easier to tell over time, especially if you give some kind of numerical size to each item on the backlog, and notice the total of the sizes completed in past iterations), but try to stretch yourselves so that it requires real effort.  Work items to accomplish should be broken down into tasks which should be doable in a day or so.  Create a chart to track if behaviors are followed each day.
• Each day, share with each other what you did the day before, what you're committing to finishing that day, and any issues blocking progress.
• Each day, record on the chart whether or not each behavior was followed.  The number of days in a row in which a behavior is followed is most significant since it is one of the keys to measuring how effectively the habit is being formed.
• The last day, review what was accomplished, and also have a retrospective discussion where you read your notes from the previous retrospective and then note what went well this iteration, what didn't go so well, and how to improve for the next iteration.
• As new behaviors become habits which no longer need conscious effort, add them to your list of strengths.
• Then, right away, start the next iteration, beginning with planning.

The result will be that (even if not at first) you will begin to succeed at meeting expectations (established during planning).  The expectations that you focus on will being to match your capacity, and any excessive external expectations will decrease in relevance and with communication may even converge on your expectations.  You will have specific things to focus your valuable time and effort on, and you will learn and grow in a much more healthy way.

Misinterpreted tone?

Ever get into arguments about how you said something?  Are people getting offended when you weren't trying to do so?  Stop nitpicking about what the intended tone is.

Instead, make everything you say also include the (usually unspoken) message that you love them!  You can let someone know you love them when you ask for a favor, discuss dinner options, describe your day, or anything else!

If you are not feeling love within you, you are not complete at this time.  This is dangerous and urgent. Do what it takes to feel that love.  Vocalize about how well others (especially God and your Savior) understand you, the love they have for you, what they have done for you, what they're willing to do for you, and how many times.  Count your blessings.  Pray to be filled with love.

Children's control of parental discipline

The child chooses when a punishment is needed by their behavior; parents choose the punishment; children choose if the punishment is enough (or the correct type) by their behavior.

This can result in very different punishments for different children from the same behavior.

Communication when problem solving: Interrupting each other or afraid of forgetting what you'll say?

Communication for topics when you have strong disagreements or the emotions are strong can be very difficult. In addition to dealing with emotional pain, there are a lot of activities to try to fit in. On the one hand, there is hearing, listening, and understanding the other person, analyzing what they've said, and figuring out when it's time to respond. On the other hand, there's verifying and expressing your understanding from what they said, expressing concerns, sharing your perspective, expressing intuition you might have, and proposing solutions. In addition, there's remembering all of these so that you are able to respond to each point that comes up, and remembering related issues that also need to be addressed. Throughout all of this, it's important to remember that women and men communicate differently, so some "translation" is needed to really communicate well.

This can be overwhelming and extremely difficult. This is something that I've especially struggled with. Some strategies only apply between parents (or leaders) and children which don't work between peers. In discussing this with some people, there's something that I'm trying and have had good success with already. Take it in three separate steps (avoid mixing them):

1) Understand the other person fully about a single problem. This includes hearing, listening to, and understanding the other person, including verifying and expressing your understanding from what they said. Avoid worrying or even thinking about how you'll respond, your reactions to it, or solutions that might exist. Trust that any solutions or ideas that come to you during this time will come again if still relevant in step 3. Just focus on understanding the other person. You'll know when this step is done by finding out (by asking them) if they feel understood or if there's anything they think you don't understand yet about that problem.

2) Seek to be understood. Share your perspective, feelings, thoughts and concerns about the problem. It might be best to request that they allow you do so before starting this step. It's normal for these to not match the other person's perspective, and this difference will make it clear what needs to be resolved. Put discussion off about solving the problem until you feel understood.

3) Agree on a Solution. Ask for ideas they might have that would work (this is highly recommended), analyze the problem, propose solutions, seek and express intuition, and don't consider it resolved unless you both agree on a solution.

In doing these steps, keep track of which issue is the current one, so you can keep your attention on it. Related issues may come up, which can be addressed immediately, right after the current issue, or in a later conversation. If the topic changes to a different issue, remember to do the steps in order for that issue (possibly switching who will be understood first), regardless of the state of the previous issue. Important issues will usually come up again if not addressed right away. You may find it helpful to write down the names of topics and agreed solutions for future reference. If a solution is later disputed, the issue should be rediscussed, starting with understanding the dispute itself.

Following these simple steps enables real progress toward resolving a difficult issue. Each step is valuable in and of itself. Following the steps prevents choppy conversations with many interruptions, as well as help avoid going in circles with rising emotions due to frustration. It can replace painful conversations with ones that are mutually beneficial and where love can reside.

Accused?

There are two kinds of accusations that we receive. Ones that are true and ones that are not... Actually, there's a whole spectrum of them anywhere between these two extremes. I would dare say that in most cases, if not all, there is very good feedback available in any accusation, whether it is based on truth or perception. Often we only resist the feedback because of our own pride. Sometimes it hits us so hard that it cripples us.

If you step back and realize what is happening, it is a miracle. We often get stuck in our ways and even convince ourselves that what we're doing is good or at least perfectly satisfactory. This is so common that many say that "people don't change." The miracle is that people can change! The moment we take feedback (whether in the form of accusations or not) and take it to heart and start changing because of it, a miracle is happening.

Hebrews 12:1-15 saved me once, especially the part that says, "...My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth." Just realizing that it was the Lord who was chastening me and that he was doing it out of love is all I needed to know. When I realized that, I no longer felt alone. I no longer felt accused, and instead felt loved and cared for. I felt like I mattered, and that the Lord sees a potential in me that I didn't see. I felt hope. I felt love. I felt grateful. I knew that I could change and become better. I felt grateful to the person who had given me the feedback. I was saved from despair and darkness into "a marvelous light" (see Alma 36:20).

Accusations, when received with humility and love, can be some of the greatest blessings in life. They can help us to find joy, hope, and peace, and improve ourselves in ways we were never aware of.

How to "Be One" with Others

It is important to "Be One" in several circumstances: as a married couple, as an engaged couple, as a missionary companionship, or even as a member of a team. For the purposes of this article, I'll talk about a married couple, although the same principles apply in the other circumstances.

In a healthy relationship, both spouses want the best for each other. They love each other. They want each other to be happy. They want to contribute what they can in order to accomplish this. Sometimes the relationship can become strained. Often this is because they don't agree on some issue, and instead of resolving the disagreement, one or both make a decision that the other gets upset about. Over time the disagreement festers, other disagreements add to it, and they lead to straining the relationship more and more. Some disagreements don't have any significant effect once both "agree to disagree", but others affect the life of the other person in a significant way. This is generally the case with finances, place of residence, bearing and raising children, keeping a home organized, spending time together, and more.

What can you do to "be one" with someone when a disagreement impacts both of your lives in a significant way? This is the question I propose to answer.

Warning: The answer is for oneself and not to be applied to the other person because that would not be healthy. It's okay to hope that the other person will notice changes and follow the example, but to expect it or push for it is not advised. Okay, so what is the answer?

It all starts with love.

If you are not feeling a lot of love towards them at this moment, search within yourself and re-ignite the love you have for them. In some cases, this might be very difficult because you feel so much hurt. Pray for you to be able to feel the pure love of Christ towards them. Remember how you met. Remember what brought you close together. Remember good times together. Think about what you have in common including interests, goals, values, beliefs, etc. Think about what you appreciate, admire, respect, and love about them. Think about what you hope for your future with them. Think about their potential and who they really are inside.

Love will inspire you to think more about them than yourself. From 1 Cor. 13 we read, "Charity...seeketh not her own,..." Matt 16:25 states, "for whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Mosiah 2:17 states, "...when ye are in service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." These scriptures help us see that in order to achieve true love, we need to be selfless, and lose ourselves in the service of others. In doing so, we will be blessed with a greater capacity to love and serve. We must be careful to not take on more than we can do, however, "for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength." (Mos. 4:27) Still, you are capable of doing much, maybe even more than you thought possible. By serving, your love will grow and strengthen.

Along with love, have faith in them. For some, it is easier to have faith in God than in someone who is imperfect and mortal just as yourself. In this case, have faith in them, trusting that God is helping and supporting them. Even when we make mistakes, God is there to help us pick up the pieces, and start again. Wouldn't it be better to do that together as one than to be divided? "Two are better than one;...for if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe unto him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up." (Eccl. 4:8-9)

The answer is to "go along for the ride." Allow them to discover the truth, with you by their side. Share your thoughts and ideas only when they actually want you to. If you're not sure whether they want to hear them, then ask them. Go along with what they want to do (even if you don't agree). When you notice their good ideas and successes, point them out. Support them in their struggles. Comfort them when they need it. If they look to you for validation of their feelings, do so. If they lack confidence in their ideas, encourage them, trying out the ideas with them. As they look to you for help, commit to do so, and follow through with your commitments as best you can. If you struggle, share your personal challenges and ask them (and even others) for advice. When things don't work out well, point out observations (not conclusions) and ask them for advice.

Through love and faith in them, you can "be one" with someone else, even when you don't agree on issues that impact both of your lives in a significant way.