How to overcome stress, anxiety, frustrations, and sadness through Inquiry

Want to overcome stress, anxiety, frustrations, and sadness?

My previous post of "Life is 10% of What Happens to Me and 90% of How I React to It" described TheWork.com from Byron Katie. Here are my own "Inquiry" questions based on the questions from TheWork.com. I came up with them to help make them conversation friendly, require less explaining, and take less time.

I highly recommend having someone who is familiar with the process walk you through it for at least the first few times. Their most important job is to hold you to each question until you've fully answered it.

1: What is causing you suffering, that should not be the case? (1 concise sentence)
2: If you could just snap your fingers, how would you like them to change (how they think, talk, feel and act)? (at least a paragraph) 3: From 1 to 10 how confident are you that it is absolutely true? 4: How complete is your perspective of the whole picture? (What percentage is your story of the full and clear picture? How complete is this story.) 5: How is the story affecting you (including how you see/treat them, see/treat yourself, and see your world and future)? (at least a paragraph) 6: If you (hypothetically) lost the ability to see it that way, how would you be? (at least a paragraph) 7: Re-read #5 and #6 and ask: Is there any reason to hold onto that story? 8: How is the advice from #2 true after replacing them with you? 9: If you step back, how is the advice from #2 true after swapping you and them? 10: In what ways have they already done the advice from #2 (and/or opposite of #1)? 11: What is within your control to significantly improve your peace and happiness about this? (at least a paragraph)
Remember the realms of power.
See my favorite quotes from Byron Katie.

You can contact me if you'd like my help in doing this.

Tip for finding a topic:
* What are you unhappy about?
* On a scale from 1 to 10 how happy are you?  What happened that keeps you from being at a 10?
* What is your biggest fear?
* Where is love needed in your life?  Why?

Tip when helping someone do this who is going on tangents:
Stop them and explain how the ego needs to keep telling the story. The real answers have a hard time getting through when the ego keeps talking.

Spotlight: A fun and uplifting group game

This game was an answer to prayer.  It is called "Spotlight".  It's kind of like "I spy" mixed with the grateful game.  The person who goes first secretly chooses someone in the group and starts giving hints.  Each hint is something that they like about the person (e.g. "I like that this person ...").  As soon as someone is confident they know who it is, they declare their guess.  If they're wrong, they can't guess anymore (that is to avoid just listing everyone's names as guesses).  If they are right, they get to choose whose turn it is next. 

The beauty of the game is that the whole time they are comments that are positive about someone in the group.  To make it not obvious who they are about, the hints often apply to multiple people which spreads the love even more.  When someone guesses, even if it is wrong, it is affirming positive things about someone in the group.  In order to play the game more and more, different hints are needed which involves identifying more and more positive things about members of the group.

This game is simple and beautiful, not to mention fun to play.

"Life is 10% of What Happens to Me and 90% of How I React to It"

See: printable version

We were born full of love, peace, kindness, forgiveness, light, and all that is good.  Our lives on Earth have helped us to appreciate these by showing us their opposites: love vs. hate, peace vs. contention, kindness vs. selfishness, forgiveness vs. bitterness, light vs. darkness, and all that is good vs. all that is bad.

In order to grasp these opposites, we have two kinds of voices in our mind: our ego and our soul self.  The ego fights for the stage of our mind and remains there when we believe what it says.  Our soul self patiently waits for a turn to take the stage.

Our ego compares us with other people, compares what has happened with what it thinks should have happened, and compares our circumstances with what might have been.  It says "they should/shouldn't " and "In the past, I should/shouldn't have ". It takes others' actions and words, along with these thoughts, and creates enormous drama around them.  It sees us as the victim.  That drama wreaks violence on ourselves, pushing us toward misery: stress, worry, questioning our worth, depression, anxiety, isolation, feeling misunderstood, and suffering. 

This misery causes significant trauma to our mind and body, which often leads to health issues.  The more in balance you get your mind, the less your body will suffer.  "Body follows mind."

Our soul self is who we really are.  It is made of love, peace, forgiveness and all that is good.  It doesn't react to negative thoughts.  It simply observes our stream of thoughts, observes others, observes what is happening, and finds the good in all of it. 

Reality includes everything that has happened.  Arguing what should or shouldn't have happened is futile.  When you argue with reality you will only lose always.  Instead, accept reality by questioning your ego's drama in order to quiet it.  Then give your soul self the stage and you will be surprised at the difference.

Our reactions are violence upon ourselves.  Happiness and peace are found instead in observing everything without creating this drama.  That will quiet our ego and allow our soul self to be on stage and fill us with joy, light, and peace.  Having this light enables us to be angels in others' lives.  The most effective way I've found to do this is by doing a TheWork.com worksheet.

Each time you do a worksheet you get your mind more into balance.  The first one that you do properly will blow your mind.  If available, have someone familiar with it walk you through it.  If not, the most important thing is to allow your mind sufficient time to allow the answers to the questions to surface without rushing or avoiding them.

The process of doing a worksheet

You can download a Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet from thework.com.  Alternatively, you can use blank paper. I include the questions below.

1. Think of a person and situation that has caused you the most suffering in your life that you can think of right now.  It can anytime in your life including today.  It can by anyone, although for the first 10 or so, don’t have it be about yourself.
2. Fill out questions 1 through 6, putting as much of your frustration and negative emotion into your answers as you can.  It’s ok to swear if that helps.  You don’t need to write down details; very simple sentences are best.
• 1. In this situation, who angers, confuses, saddens, disappoints you and why?
• I am [emotion] with/at [person’s name] because __________.
• 2. In this situation, how do you want them to change?
• I want [person’s name] to ________.
• 3. In this situation, what advice would you offer them?
• [person’s name] should/shouldn’t ________.
• 4. In order for you to be happy, what do you need them to think say, feel, or do?
• I need [person’s name] to _________.
• 5. What do you think of them in this situation?  Make a list.  (be petty and judgemental)
• [person’s name] is ___________.
• 6. What is it about this situation that you don’t ever want to experience again?
• I don’t ever want _____________.
3. Then choose sentence in #1 or #3 incites the most emotion in you.  Use it to answer “the four questions”.  Keep yourself focusing on the situation as you answer them.
• #1 “Is it true?”  Answer with a simple yes or no.
• #2 is worth thinking for a few seconds about.  “Can you absolutely know that it’s true?”  Answer with a simple yes or no.
• #3 is a major question.  “How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? (1-3 minutes)”.  Here are some sub-questions to help you fully answer it.  This should take some time.  Write down (or have someone else) your answers to compare with the answers to #4.  Fill up a page with your answers.
• Who are you with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you see them with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you treat them with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you react physically with the thought (e.g. tense)? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you see yourself with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you treat yourself with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• What do you see in that situation with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• What does your world/future look like with the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• #4 is a critical question.  “Who would you be without the thought?”  This should have as full of an answer as #3.  This is a thought experiment.  It’s hypothetical.  This is a form of meditation.  Write down (or have someone else) your answers to compare with the answers to #3.  Fill up a page with your answers.
• Who are you without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you see them without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you treat them without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How are you physically without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you see yourself without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• How do you treat yourself without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• What do you see in that situation without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• What does your world/future look like without the thought? (1-4 minutes)
• Now, review the answers to #3 and #4 and ask yourself: “Do you see any reason to keep the thought?”  (The more thoroughly, sincerely, and confidently you’ve answered them, the more convinced you’ll usually be)
4. Now turn your answers to the first 6 questions around.
• For each of the first 5 questions, turn it around in all of the following ways.  For each one, find at least 3 genuine ways in which the statement is true (it’s ok to treat it more figurative than literal if needed).  Note: a) and b) will be the same as each other on statements that don't include you.
• a) To the self:  Replace the person’s name with yourself.
• b) To the other: Replace their name with yours, and your name with theirs.
• c) To the opposite: Make the statement the exact opposite (e.g. from "He is mean" to “He is nice”).
• For question 6, replace "I don't ever want" with each of the following and find at least 3 genuine ways in which the statement is true.  Note: Until you can look forward to all aspects of life without fear, your Work is not done (do more worksheets as needed).
• "I am willing"
• "I look forward"

Conclusion

Doing the worksheets help you come back to yourself and what is within your own control.  You’ll let go of judging and holding onto expectations of others, God, and the past.  “Should” and “shouldn’t” will fall out of your vocabulary, and you will find yourself in peace and feel lighter, where love, joy, and happiness come easily.

How to Parent with Love instead of Punishments and Fear

Parenting is so full of problems.  These problems can sometimes drive you crazy, overwhelm you, weigh on you heavily, and bring you down to tears.  We as parents usually flare up when we've run out of ideas, often resulting in all kinds of damage.  I deeply want to help myself and all other parents have simple, effective approaches that will unite the family and help all to grow in love.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf said: 

"It is true that fear can have a powerful influence over our actions and behavior. But that influence tends to be temporary and shallow. Fear rarely has the power to change our hearts, and it will never transform us into people who love what is right...People who are fearful may say and do the right things, but they do not feel the right things. They often feel helpless and resentful, even angry. Over time these feelings lead to mistrust, defiance, even rebellion...

"There may be moments when we are tempted to justify our actions by believing that the end justifies the means. We might even think that to be controlling, manipulative, and harsh will be for the good of others. Not so, for the Lord has made it clear that “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, [and] temperance.”

"...if we ever find ourselves living in fear or anxiety, or if we ever find that our own words, attitudes, or actions are causing fear in others, I pray with all the strength of my soul that we may become liberated from this fear by the divinely appointed antidote to fear: the pure love of Christ, for “perfect love casteth out fear.”" - Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear

I love finding simple approaches with basic principles and steps so that anyone can understand and apply them.  Here are a few very simple principles that have changed my world as a parent (and even apply to many other areas of life).

Principle #1: Problems are critical to our progress to become better.  Problems are a starting point for growth.

Principle #2: Love is the solution to every problem.  We need to find out where love is needed.

Principle #3: When there are bad feelings between people, someone is not feeling understood.

Here are some very simple steps to apply these principles (an example provided): 

1. Realize that they are suffering.

• Almost all "bad behavior" is a result of suffering.  (Another common cause is ignorance).  By seeing that they are suffering, you will more likely feel compassion and "take your walls down".  That simple step can make all the difference in the world in how you interact with them.
• Time: This will probably only take seconds.

2. Help one person feel understood.

• Make sure you are calm enough to do this.
• Get their attention (if they resist, let them know you want everyone involved to be happy). 
• Find out what they want, putting yourself into their shoes, and listening with love.  Often just noticing is enough and no question is needed.
• Help them feel understood by restating as a question, with empathy.  This helps them to immediately feel understood, calm down, "take their walls down", and open themselves up to listening. 
• Time: This can take as little as 2 sentences from you.

• "Hold on guys...  Preston, what are you wanting right now?" (wait for answer)
• "You want to _______?"  (wait for answer)
• "Why?"   -OR-  "I can see why you want to, you love doing that." (i.e. show empathy in some way)

3. Involve that person to help the other person feel understood.

• Ask them what the others want.  If they don't know, they can always ask.  If struggling, encourage the other person to share their perspective.
• Time: This can take as little as 1 sentence from you.

• (You) "What does Holly want?"
• (Preston) "I don't know"
• (You) "How about if you ask her?"
• (Preston) "What do you want, Holly?"
• (Holly) "I want ____________"
• (You) "Preston, will you please help Holly feel understood?  Try describing to her what she wants and why."
• (Preston) "You want _____ because ____, right?"
• (Holly) "Yes"

4. Ask: "What can you do to help both of you be happy?"

• Have faith in their ability to find such a solution.  If they don't know or they want help, share your perspective with love, offering ideas.  Encourage any idea that results in all of you being happy.  
• Follow up to verify that both are happy.  Congratulate and express your own happiness.  
• If it involves a commitment going forward, help set a time frame to something short like 24 hours, then gradually extend, following up each time.  When they complete commitments even partially, get excited and ask them how they did it.
• Time: This can take as little as 2-3 sentences from you.

• (You) "Preston, what can you do to help you and Holly both be happy" (wait for answer)
• (Preston) "I don't know"
• (You) "How about if you ________?"
• (Preston) "Ok.  Holly, how about if we ______?"
• (Holly) Ok.
• (You) "OK, are you both happy now?" (wait for answer)
• (Preston) "Yeah."
• (Holly) "Yeah."
• (You) "Great job, guys!!!  I love it seeing you both be happy."

With this very simple technique, the problem can be solved, feelings remedied, and all of you being happy!!!  It can sometimes take as few as 5-6 sentences from you!  This same approach applies if you yourself are the other person involved in the situation.  This approach works even in difficult situations.  It avoids any kind of punishment; punishments distract from learning.  It avoids deferring to rules; rules are not some set of unbreakable rules.  If feelings are too elevated, consider having a short break to allow everyone to calm down first.  If they still totally refuse to cooperate, go to plan B which may involve loss of privileges, extra chores, some form of self-evaluation exercise, being stuck somewhere (traditional time-out), or other punishment.  Express your sadness in doing so, in that you hate punishing, and would much rather talk it through with love and understanding so all of you are happy.

Questioning your faith?

I personally, as well as some of my family and dear friends, have struggled at times with questioning our faith in God or in His church.  This can be such a difficult experience.  It can also be hard on loved ones.  I've found that in the end, it always seems to be a very personal choice.

In my own struggle, I've had to dig deep and take leaps of faith instead of just relying on my own reasoning.  After doing so, I've had very spiritual and enlightening experiences that have solidified my faith and given me full reassurance such that my doubts either disappear or are set aside as non-critical.

I am no expert in helping others in their struggles, and I know that what works for me often may not work for others.  If you have ideas that you have found work well, please let me know.  In spite of my limits, I have a great desire to help in any way that I can, so here goes for what it's worth:

Check out this article on uncertainty: http://rebootauthentic.com/discomfort-and-uncertainty/

Here are some questions you could consider (intellectually, emotionally and spiritually).

1. What do you truly, deeply want out of your life?
2. What has brought you true happiness and peace in your life?
3. What are all the things you have felt in your heart to be true through God's spirit (see Moroni 10:3-5, Gal 5:22-23, and D&C 9:7-9)?
4. What are all the times that you have seen or felt God being active in your life?
5. What are all the things you love about the gospel?
6. What are all the things you love about God's church?
7. Being brutally honest with yourself, what conflicts of interest, motives, biases, or tendencies do you have that could impact your perspective?  Could these impact you or your family's fulfillment and happiness in life?
8. What things bother you even though you're sure they are untrue?
9. What are all the things that church leaders or members have done in God's name that you believe God did not want them to do?  Can you see their perspective and why they may have done those things?  Do you have enough context to do that, considering the diversity in culture, societal values, ignorance, laws, personality, tendencies, personal issues, etc?  Can you accept that they are human mistakes and allow yourself to forgive them or at least accept that these things do not affect the truth of the gospel or God's church?  
10. What are all the things that you believe God did cause, or were His will, that bother you?  Can you trust that God is wiser than you (see Isaiah 55:9)?  This leap of faith can be very challenging but is also greatly rewarding (see Ether 12:6).  There is a level of maturity where you understand that doing or saying certain things that you know will hurt someone, but through doing or saying them with love and courage will deepen relationships and help reduce judgment and fear in both directions.  God knows all things and loves us with immense intensity.
11. What are all the things that God has allowed to happen that bother you?  Can you trust God that in His wisdom He does not stop us from doing what we choose (see 2 Ne 2:16, Alma 29:4, & Alma 14:10-13)?  What experiences have you had where He has taken bad situations and used them for your good (see Romans 8:28)?
12. What things are you unsure if they are true or not?  Is it worth it to figure out which of the previously mentioned categories each of them will go into?  Is there another category that is missing here?

Weigh the importance that each of these categories has to you, and then ask yourself:

• Do you believe that God exists?  
• Do you believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true?
• Do you believe that the scriptures are true (at least what has not been corrupted later)?
• Do you believe that "His church" is ordained and guided by Him through (imperfect) leaders who He has chosen? 

If you are unsure, with all sincerity and willingness, kneel and ask God for each topic that He will touch your heart if it is true (see Moroni 10:3-5, Gal 5:22-23, and D&C 9:7-9).
Again, this is a personal process.  Take your time, have an open mind, be humble, and listen to your heart.

Interpreting Behavior Red Flags

There are quite a few behavior red flags that are commonly misunderstood.  How often do you see people repeatedly arguing, whining, controlling, demanding, etc.?

Often we write people off who behave in these ways as "having issues".  We tell them to stop doing it and to grow up.   Criticizing them will not help them grow.  These behaviors are a cry for help that all too often we ignore.

Once recognized, the solution is simple.  If someone doesn't feel understood then listen by putting yourself into their shoes.  If they aren't seeing the impact of their actions, hear them out and then share your perspective.  If they don't feel accepted, share God's love for them and invite them to serve in some capacity, accepting them as a person, without judgement or criticism (which doesn't mean you agree with or condone their actions).  If someone is grieving, have compassion on them, be there for them, and listen.

The post on Growing in Love provides a complete framework for helping them to grow in love.
To better understand what listening is, see Listening 101.

If we better interpret behavior, we can make a huge difference in helping people to grow in happiness.

Growing in Love - Examples

The post on "Growing in Love" is has a lot of information.  What does it really look like in everyday life?  I'd like to show this with some examples.

• Unloving: "Leave me alone."
  
  Hearing out: "I need some time alone right now.  Can you find something to do for a bit."
• Unloving: "Don't cry!"
  
  Hearing out: "Why are you crying?  What's wrong?"
• Unloving: "You have to finish your food."
  
  Hearing out: "If we don't finish our food, we end up throwing it away and wasting it.  It's sad for me because I work hard to get and prepare the food.  What can you do to make this better?"
• Unloving: "Give back that toy!  You need to share."
  
  Hearing out: "You really want to play with that cool toy, right?" (wait for response) "It looks pretty fun...  What does Billy want?" (wait for response and, if needed, explain that Billy wants to play with it too)  "What can you do to make this better?"
• Unloving: "I can't believe you wrecked our car!  Were you texting while driving!?!"
  
  Hearing out: "You must be so shaken up!  Wrecks can be so scary.  How are you doing?"  After you listen with love and understanding, ask, "What can we do to make this better?"

These examples are just some that I thought of.  There are an unlimited number of problems.  The whole point is to hear out the problem with love and understanding.  The most important thing is to put yourself into their shoes and help them feel understood.

What I've seen is that taking 10 extra seconds to help someone feel understood has a HUGE impact!  Children who are possessive will suddenly be willing to play together, take turns, offer other toys, etc.  People respond immediately to it in very positive ways.

I'd love to hear about even better ways to address these situations or about other situations that you encounter.  My only desire is that we can all grow in love.

Stories:

• I hear screaming from the other room from my 5 year old son.  I walk in and say "B, you're really sad?" 
  "Yes."
  "What do you want?"
  "I want Jason to not hurt me."
  "Jason hurt you?"
  "Yeah."
  "What does Jason want?"
  He calms down significantly.
  "He wants to not eat the candy."
  "What can you do so that you and him are both happy?"
  "Not have him eat the candy."
  "What else?"
  "Give him a hug."
  "Great idea.  Go ahead."