How do Men and Women Compare?

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How to "meet someone where they are" in a healthy way

Each of us are going through our own journey, some more difficult than others, but all different.  It can be hard to meet another person where they are.  It is likely unknown territory for us, and almost definitely out of our comfort zone.  We might not even know what it even means to really meet someone where they are.  For what it's worth, as I'm learning about this, my current understanding is this:

"Meeting someone where they are" means connecting without arguing with their reality.

Each of us has our own perspective, and we often don't agree with another person or see things the same way.  Too often when we approach someone we obsess about these differences and try to convince them of our perspective (i.e. "the proper perspective") with the intention of helping them.  However, this approach usually triggers contention, hurt feelings, defensiveness, and walls; it actually prevents connection and can even damage the connection that we already have.

Not arguing with their reality means accepting their perspective as their truth, allowing them their truth, and still connecting with them.  

Just connecting with someone who is suffering a lot can be painful.  It can appear especially painful and intimidating when we choose to actually meet them where they are.  There is a risk that we can lose who we are, including any peace and joy that we have, and just suffer with them.  That wouldn't serve them or us.  

So, how can we meet someone where they are in an uplifting way?  Here is the approach I'm trying to take.  Feel free to adapt it in your own way or create your own approach.

1. Establish absolute safety within myself

Before venturing to meet someone where they are, especially when they are suffering, I first try to establish safety within myself.  There are several ways to do this and my preferred way is to rely on God and Jesus Christ.  I ponder on the concept that God always provides our needs and always does it on time.  If I don't already have something then I don't actually need it at that time.  Caveat: I'm not saying that I don't have unmet desires and deep ones at that, I just choose to not call those needs while doing this.  I trust God and His plan for me and for those I care about.  Jesus Christ and His power is infinite.  When I turn to Him and follow His lead, He heals all wounds that I receive or cause (of course helping where I can), saves me from my self-destructive behavior or obsessions, forgives me, holds me under His wing, shows me perfect love, and casts away all of my fears with His perfect love.  He makes it so that I can confidently say:

I am absolutely safe in Christ.

This means that I can live my life emotionally unarmed and undefended.   This is similar to being vulnerable while feeling safe the whole time.  I can take risks, open up to someone, risk them saying no, etc. and still maintain my feeling of safety.

2. Connect with my own emotions and desires

I try to take the time to increase my own self-awareness.  Rather than escaping my emotions, arguing with them (judging myself for having them), or acting them out, I just look at them.  I feel them.  I allow them to be.  I listen to what they are teaching me about myself.  I try to identify the thoughts and beliefs that are causing them.  I work through them (e.g. using TheWork.com).  I get clear on what my desires are for myself and others.  I really connect with my own emotions and desires.  I try to avoid diluting those by putting too much focus on my opinions, expectations, judgments, and concerns.

Connecting with myself brings me a deep sense of balance and peace.  It is self-love.  It fills my bucket and gives me energy and capacity to connect with and lift others.

3. Dive into their reality

At this point, I try to put myself into their shoes.  The easiest way to do this is to temporarily let go of my own reality.  This is ok because someone's reality isn't controversial - it's simply where they are, and I am still me and can go back to my reality anytime I want.  I try to leave behind any judgments, beliefs, opinions, and ego, and dive into their reality.  I remind myself that I am absolutely safe.  Because of that, I can do this completely unarmed and undefended.  I try to completely listen to what they have described in the past and how they have behaved, and imagine what it would be like to be them.  For any behavior that is confusing, I try to look deeper for what would lead to that behavior.  I then approach them and fully listen to what they are saying, allowing their words and body language to fill in any blanks and refine the reality that I sense they have.  

4. Empathize

Now that I am in their reality, I try to connect with their emotions.  How would I feel in their shoes?  What would I desire?  As I discover these feelings and desires, I try to put them into words and say them to the other person.  My goal is to help them feel truly understand and "felt."  Even if I'm wrong, they will likely welcome my effort, and happily correct me.  The moment that they truly feel understood and "felt" is wonderful.  That is a moment when real connection takes place.  That is a moment when walls between us can begin to weaken and healing can even start to happen.  

This is meeting them where they are...as long as I don't then argue with it...  I might be tempted to argue with their reality because although we have connected and they feel understood, I might not want them to stay there.  I might want to take them to my reality and invite them to stay... That is a really bad idea.  It is absolutely ok for them to be where they are.  They, just like the rest of us, are on a journey.  Their journey will include learning and growing, but might not be how we would plan it.  We need to trust them in their journey.  God (or a higher power) has a plan for them.  Their journey will be line-upon-line, step-by-step, not by teleporting to where we are.

5. Lift

While in their reality, I can ponder to myself and identify what I desire for them, and how I'm feeling.  This doesn't mean to reconcile their reality with my own or bring judgment.  This is feeling compassion for them, and wanting the best for them.  This is desiring to serve and lift them in ways that they are ready for and even looking for.  With these desires, I do what I can to gently lift them up.  There are several ways to do this:

1. I can say something like, "I don't even know what to stay right now.  I'm just so glad you told me." - Brené Brown.
2. I can share with them my feelings and the desires that I have for them, without any time pressure or any expectations.
3. I can express appreciation for their companionship, for what they have done for me and for people I care about, and for how much I enjoy having them in my life.
4. I can praise them for just holding their space, their effort, their goodness, their talents, and anything else.
5. I can be interested in them, talking with them about their interests, desires, fears, successes, and struggles.
6. If they are a stranger, I can help them feel like (and literally be) a personal friend.
7. I can give them insightful, considerate advice.
8. I can just care about them.
9. I can help them in any way I can that they would welcome.  Rather than asking if there's anything I can do, I can suggest some specific ways like "Can I pick up some milk for you at the store?" or "Can I watch the kids for a bit so you can rest or get out of the house?"
10. I can support them and provide strength.  This doesn't even need words - I can just sit with them so they aren't alone.
11. I can thirst for knowledge from them.  I can ask them how they are making it though this, or what they have learned.
12. I can ask them questions to broaden their mind in line-upon-line ways, while I am attentive to what they are ready to consider.
13. I can share stories with them, attentive to what they take from them (based on their readiness).
14. I can praise God (or a higher power).  Praising God is contagious and non-confrontational and can soften hearts and their ego's hold on them.

You always have a choice in how you treat people.

"Meeting someone where they are" in a healthy way is not for the faint of heart, but every effort is worth it.  As a side-note, this is not license for me to judge someone else for how well they do or don't do this.  I wish I did all of these things fluently and did them always.  I am a slow learner, but at least I know what I want to do and how I want to be.  I want to help people not feel alone, and I want to help.  I am a work in progress and I find joy through growth.

How to create or deepen your connection with someone

 I've realized that I want to deepen my connections with loved ones and with others.  I struggle sometimes to know how to do so without me feeling awkward or it feeling too difficult.  To help me and hopefully you as well, here are some ways that came to mind to create or deepen a connection with someone:

1. Learn and use their name.  
• People love to hear their name; it helps them feel seen and acknowledged.
2. Show interest in them.
• Be CURIOUS!
• Ask them what they are passionate about.  
• Look at their social media and "like" or comment on things they've posted.
• Ask about their family, their life story, their hopes, their challenges, their plans.
3. Ask a follow-up question about something they told you in a previous conversation.
• This can mean a lot to someone because it means you cared enough to remember.  This can take a concerted effort if you're anything like me who struggles to remember things.
4. Serve them.  
• If you don't know how you can serve them, put yourself into their shoes, and try to identify something.  Alternatively, just ask them what you can do for them or how you can pray for them.
5. Allow them to serve you.  
• Have the courage to briefly mention a challenge you are having.  Of course, do this without any pressure, and also avoid putting up walls in the process.
6. Ask them questions that they WANT to answer.  
• One way is to ask them about something you know they are passionate about.  It doesn't need to be something you are personally interested in.  The key is that you are interested in them, and that includes being interested in what they care about.
• Ask: What unimaginably good things has God done in your life?
• Another way is to find or come up with interesting questions.  Here are some to get you started: https://www.signupgenius.com/groups/getting-to-know-you-questions.cfm
7. Share meaningful stories or other truths with them that they would like to hear.
• Memories you have of them
• Entertaining stories (especially about you that they haven't heard or might not remember).
• Personal experiences that shaped your life.
• Principles that matter to you and why.
8. Ask for their advice, feedback, or insights.
• It means a lot when you are interested in what they have to say or share, especially when it is an opportunity for them to make a difference in your life.
9. Find out "where they are at" emotionally or in their journey through their day or life and acknowledge it with love and empathy.
• This could be as simple as asking "how are you?" in a sincere way, seeking more than an "I'm fine."
• You could ask a question like these:
• "Is there anything you're looking forward to?"
• "What do you dread?"
• "What was your biggest victory today (or this week)?"
• "What frustrates you?"
• "Is there anything you're excited about?"
• "What are you grateful for?"
• Tip: One way to think about this is that you are base jumping into their world as an adventure of curiosity and discovery.  You are leaving behind your own perceptions and world and entering theirs.  After this whole exercise and after your interaction with them, go back to your own world of perceptions and reconcile it with what you saw and experienced there.  This will greatly expand your understanding and help you to learn and grow.
• Acknowledge what they've shared with love.  Convey to them that they are not alone and that you've got their back (as best as you can).
• Show empathy, seeking to feel the emotions they've shared.  It can help to get in touch with times that you've felt a similar way (without talking about it and making the conversation about you).  When you feel the emotions, share what comes to mind (not just repeat what they already said).
10. Share your emotions and desires for them.
• Example: "What I want for you is for you to find fulfillment in your life and not be bogged down with fear and obstacles.  I am overjoyed to have you in my life."
11. Provide a safe space for them to share and open up.
• Approach them from a place of understanding and compassion.  Express that you want them to know that you love them no matter what; that you are there for them and have their back.  This is especially important when they've made a choice that you don't agree with, but is great other times as well.
12. Express genuine gratitude.
• This can be about them or really anything that you are deeply or even whimsically grateful for.  You can follow-up by asking what they are grateful for.
13. Answer their sincere questions without putting up walls.
• When they ask you a question, have the courage to answer it honestly and in an open, heartfelt way.  Note: This doesn't apply when they aren't REALLY asking (such as a "how are you?" that is really a substitute for "hello").
14. Give them loving touch.
• Hugs can speak volumes and break down barriers.  Even friendly punching, wrestling, tripping, or physical activities can deepen connections.  Give them touch in ways that they welcome.
15. Give them a meaningful gift.
• It can be as simple as a card with heartfelt words, a flower from the garden, or it could be something they've talked about wanting.  The motive in giving the gift is EVERYTHING.  For it to build connection, it needs to come from genuine desire, not out of obligation.
16. Capture, record, and/or publish moments together.
• This can be photos, videos, audio recordings, writing down quotes or experiences, and optionally posting them on social media.
• When you do this, it is one way to show that you value your time together.
17. Do something with them that they enjoy.
• It doesn't have to be something that you also enjoy, as long as you're totally willing and a good sport about it.  Of course, if there are things that you both enjoy, that makes it even better.
18. Serve or do work with them.
• This can be as simple as helping them do their chores, inviting them to join you in serving someone else, or expressing enjoyment in working with a co-worker.
19. Play together.
• This can be goofing around, playing board/card games, playing a sport for fun, creating something amusing, telling jokes, or whatever else "play" is to you.  Use your imagination and enjoy it!  Play is one of the most healing and under-estimated activities that there is.  
• Note: This does NOT mean silently staring at a screen next to each other playing a video game or watching something.

There are certainly many more ways to connect with people.  I'd love to hear your thoughts and ideas!  Connecting is something that all of us need.  There are way too many people who feel alone in this world!

Communicating effectively: circumstances, emotions, and desires

Too often in our communication, we say things that build walls, fear, and isolation instead of compassion and connection.  Expressing negative thoughts, negative tone, and expectations, and acting out our emotions cause all kinds of barriers and defensiveness.  It can get to the point of actually training the other person to not listen to you.  The golden parts of what we are really hoping to express are our emotions, circumstances, and desires.  Those three are the least controversial, build the most connection, and inspire the most compassion and curiosity.  Desires are not the same as expectations, although often conflated.  

Even when you understand what a desire is, it can still be very difficult to convey in an effective way.  We don't want the other person to feel pressured, obligated, or otherwise feel like we expect them to comply.  We want them to see an opportunity that they can do something meaningful and fulfilling.  We want them to feel compassion and enjoy the experience.  In considering various approaches, and with total flexibility, I've decided that my preferred approach looks something like this:

"I'm feeling ______ (with _____).   I would ______ to ________ if it's ok."

It is probably intuitive enough, but here it is with more detail of what goes where. 

 "I'm feeling _(emotion)__ (with __(circumstances)__).   I would _(my likely response to a yes)__ to ____(my desire)____ if it's ok."

The "with ____" part is optional.  It is there to convey your circumstances and may or may not be helpful based on the situation.

Example:

"I'm feeling really anxious right now with so much going on.  I would love to have some of those chocolate-covered cinnamon bears if it's ok."

I'm hoping that this approach does all of the following:

• expresses my emotions and desires
• builds connection
• inspires compassion
• honors boundaries
• enables the other person to not feel manipulated (giving them an easy-in to explain any obstacles to what I'm wanting)
• doesn't require or emphasize that the other person is in control of the situation
• doesn't imply that the other person would be likely to withhold (such as being surprised if they say yes)
• allows the other person to claim or own control if they see it that way
• describes what my reaction will be to a positive response
• inspires an overall feeling of gratitude and connection throughout and afterward

I would absolutely love for each of us to communicate effectively in ways that build connections, inspire compassion, lead to living more deeply, and living in more fulfilling ways.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback on this, especially if you try it out.

How to Help Someone Progress

The title "Hold Accountable in the Lord's Way" could be ignored or adjusted in many ways.  This is what I've learned as an effective way to help someone progress.

Needs

Do you ever feel like your needs are not being met?  Do you ever feel neglected by others?  How many of us are suffering from unmet needs?  What are needs? How can we know what our needs even are? 

Who is responsible for meeting our needs?  What role do we play in our own needs?  What role does God play in our needs?  Have we ever had our needs not  be met and then later realize that we still ended up ok anyway?  Have we ever gotten very upset, made a fuss, suffered. cried and even grieved over our unmet needs until we eventually accept our reality and make peace with it?  What happened in those situations?  Did our needs change or did our belief about our needs change?  Isn't it God's responsibility for our needs to be met?  Doesn't he give us air to breathe, water to drink, food to eat, shelter, and clothing one way or another?  Doesn't he put people in our path and into our lives to make sure that we are eventually alright?  Don't we even need times of struggle to learn and grow? Don't we all have a time eventually when it is our time to die and we won't even need our "basic needs"? 

If God is faithful, is there ever really a moment that our needs are not met?  Really think about it.  Is there?  I believe there isn't.  Our actual honest to goodness needs are always met. So... what does it mean when we feel our needs are not met?  Doesn't it mean we don't understand our needs as well as God does?  We can argue, complain, become bitter, pity ourselves, blame others, and suffer in any number of ways, but the fact remains that our needs have actually been met the whole time. 

I'm not saying that we need everything that happens to happen, but I am saying that we didn't need it to not happen.  I'm also not saying that our desires aren't very important and valid.  They are worth seeking fervently, especially with God's blessing and help.  It is also our privilege and calling to help bless others in their needs and desires. 

The real issue is: do each of us want to suffer and be in agony or do we want to trust God's wisdom and be truly happy?  It's totally ok to make either choice. We all choose to suffer sometimes. I just think it may be helpful to be aware of and remember that we have that choice.  God will always and has always provided for all of our needs.  He is so incredibly great.  Blessed be the name of our God.

How to not shoot down others' ideas and still get what you want

I have a tendency to shoot down other people's ideas.  I often come up with ideas that I think are totally awesome and, in my mind, fit the problem really well.  However, to my chagrin, when I share ideas I have sometimes done it in a way that is confrontational or even combative.  People sometimes resist them, get upset, or are frustrated that I am shooting down their ideas.  I then judge them for being self-absorbed, having their own agenda, not wanting the overall good, or being closed-minded (which ironically is probably more true about me).  This then spirals down to either arguing or putting up walls with subsequent grumblings.

Recently when someone brought up a concern about me shooting down their idea, I stepped back to really look at the situation.  I have started to see beyond people's words, tone, and expectations and to get a deeper sense of their feelings and desires.  In doing so, I really don't want to hurt people, and shooting down their ideas does hurt them, hurts our relationship, is demeaning, and chases away creative juices.  After pondering it and using some of the principles I'm learning right now about how to regard people, an approach came to mind.

Think of an "idea" as an option for solving a problem.  There are often several options for the exact same problem.  However, the options are not equal.  Each option has pros and cons which can be represented as requirements and preferences.  A "requirement" is something that is absolutely needed, while a "preference" is something that is wanted but not absolutely necessary.  An example of converting a con into a requirement is converting "it costs a lot" to the requirement of "it must be affordable."  Both requirements and preferences are types of criteria.  Ideally, the best option will be one that meets all the requirements and also satisfies as many of the most compelling preferences as possible.

When someone shares an idea, here is the approach I'm suggesting:

1. POINT OUT BENEFITS: Identify and verbalize the valuable criteria that you can see that their idea meets.  Try to point out the met criteria that you think the person values the most.  Also, try to point out the met criteria that you value the most in their idea.
2. FIND MISSED CRITERIA: Silently identify the criteria that the idea doesn't meet which you value the most.  When you have your own idea for a solution, one way to find interesting criteria is to identify compelling ones that your idea provides.
3. TRY TO ADD EACH MISSED REQUIREMENT OR PREFERENCE: Starting with the requirement or preference that is most important to you, ask them if there is any way to ALSO meet that requirement or preference.  This gives them the opportunity to enhance their idea.

If they come up with a way to enhance it, then their idea is now more attractive to you.  Because they are the ones enhancing it, they retain ownership of the idea, which is good for their self-esteem and makes it a positive experience for everyone.

Sometimes the requirement or preference that you ask about cannot coexist with some aspects of their idea.  It is critical that you don't suggest changing those aspects.  You can state that you don't see any way to ALSO meet this new requirement or preference although you wish there were one.  This allows them to weigh the new criteria with their current idea and if they decide the new criteria is more valuable, they can decide to drop or change the aspects of their idea that are incompatible.  They might not even realize that they are doing so, such as if they didn't see the conflict that you are seeing.

If they want to but are struggling to find an idea that meets the criteria, you can ask if they would like to hear your idea.  However, be sure to emphasize any criteria that they value that your idea doesn't meet.  This helps them know that they are being heard and regarded and can prevent defensiveness.  This can also bring them awareness as to other criteria to consider and allow them to reconsider the importance of the criteria they have been valuing.

If they won't drop their criteria, consider dropping yours.  If that isn't acceptable to you, it may be a good time to say you'd like some time to think about the problem more.  This can give both of you time to think about it more, which can lead to refining the criteria in both of your minds to what is most important. 

The beauty of this approach is that at no point are you shooting down their idea or even criteria that they value.  You are seeking the best outcome while giving them as much credit as possible.  At no point are you agreeing to an idea that doesn't meet your current requirements, so you get what you are most wanting (aka requiring).  Never are you putting down their idea, and never is there contention.  It will likely be a positive experience for all involved.  This positive, cooperative feeling can help bring out the best in everyone, which can lead to ideas that are better than what you would have ever thought of.  Whether you prefer Boyd K. Packer's quote that "revelation is scattered among us" or the concept that "two heads are better than one," it can be a wonderful thing to collaborate with others.  Using this approach not only helps the solution to be great but helps everyone have a great experience getting there.