Accused?

There are two kinds of accusations that we receive. Ones that are true and ones that are not... Actually, there's a whole spectrum of them anywhere between these two extremes. I would dare say that in most cases, if not all, there is very good feedback available in any accusation, whether it is based on truth or perception. Often we only resist the feedback because of our own pride. Sometimes it hits us so hard that it cripples us.

If you step back and realize what is happening, it is a miracle. We often get stuck in our ways and even convince ourselves that what we're doing is good or at least perfectly satisfactory. This is so common that many say that "people don't change." The miracle is that people can change! The moment we take feedback (whether in the form of accusations or not) and take it to heart and start changing because of it, a miracle is happening.

Hebrews 12:1-15 saved me once, especially the part that says, "...My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth." Just realizing that it was the Lord who was chastening me and that he was doing it out of love is all I needed to know. When I realized that, I no longer felt alone. I no longer felt accused, and instead felt loved and cared for. I felt like I mattered, and that the Lord sees a potential in me that I didn't see. I felt hope. I felt love. I felt grateful. I knew that I could change and become better. I felt grateful to the person who had given me the feedback. I was saved from despair and darkness into "a marvelous light" (see Alma 36:20).

Accusations, when received with humility and love, can be some of the greatest blessings in life. They can help us to find joy, hope, and peace, and improve ourselves in ways we were never aware of.

How to "Be One" with Others

It is important to "Be One" in several circumstances: as a married couple, as an engaged couple, as a missionary companionship, or even as a member of a team. For the purposes of this article, I'll talk about a married couple, although the same principles apply in the other circumstances.

In a healthy relationship, both spouses want the best for each other. They love each other. They want each other to be happy. They want to contribute what they can in order to accomplish this. Sometimes the relationship can become strained. Often this is because they don't agree on some issue, and instead of resolving the disagreement, one or both make a decision that the other gets upset about. Over time the disagreement festers, other disagreements add to it, and they lead to straining the relationship more and more. Some disagreements don't have any significant effect once both "agree to disagree", but others affect the life of the other person in a significant way. This is generally the case with finances, place of residence, bearing and raising children, keeping a home organized, spending time together, and more.

What can you do to "be one" with someone when a disagreement impacts both of your lives in a significant way? This is the question I propose to answer.

Warning: The answer is for oneself and not to be applied to the other person because that would not be healthy. It's okay to hope that the other person will notice changes and follow the example, but to expect it or push for it is not advised. Okay, so what is the answer?

It all starts with love.

If you are not feeling a lot of love towards them at this moment, search within yourself and re-ignite the love you have for them. In some cases, this might be very difficult because you feel so much hurt. Pray for you to be able to feel the pure love of Christ towards them. Remember how you met. Remember what brought you close together. Remember good times together. Think about what you have in common including interests, goals, values, beliefs, etc. Think about what you appreciate, admire, respect, and love about them. Think about what you hope for your future with them. Think about their potential and who they really are inside.

Love will inspire you to think more about them than yourself. From 1 Cor. 13 we read, "Charity...seeketh not her own,..." Matt 16:25 states, "for whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Mosiah 2:17 states, "...when ye are in service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." These scriptures help us see that in order to achieve true love, we need to be selfless, and lose ourselves in the service of others. In doing so, we will be blessed with a greater capacity to love and serve. We must be careful to not take on more than we can do, however, "for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength." (Mos. 4:27) Still, you are capable of doing much, maybe even more than you thought possible. By serving, your love will grow and strengthen.

Along with love, have faith in them. For some, it is easier to have faith in God than in someone who is imperfect and mortal just as yourself. In this case, have faith in them, trusting that God is helping and supporting them. Even when we make mistakes, God is there to help us pick up the pieces, and start again. Wouldn't it be better to do that together as one than to be divided? "Two are better than one;...for if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe unto him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up." (Eccl. 4:8-9)

The answer is to "go along for the ride." Allow them to discover the truth, with you by their side. Share your thoughts and ideas only when they actually want you to. If you're not sure whether they want to hear them, then ask them. Go along with what they want to do (even if you don't agree). When you notice their good ideas and successes, point them out. Support them in their struggles. Comfort them when they need it. If they look to you for validation of their feelings, do so. If they lack confidence in their ideas, encourage them, trying out the ideas with them. As they look to you for help, commit to do so, and follow through with your commitments as best you can. If you struggle, share your personal challenges and ask them (and even others) for advice. When things don't work out well, point out observations (not conclusions) and ask them for advice.

Through love and faith in them, you can "be one" with someone else, even when you don't agree on issues that impact both of your lives in a significant way.

How to treat others' ideas

I always thought simply "two minds are better than one". When people would share ideas, suggestions, or thoughts with me, I would find myself comparing them with what I thought, and when they didn't overlap with mine, I'd explain my own perspective and thoughts. I had the thought that we could get all the ideas onto the table and then we could fish through them and find the truth amidst all of it, finding the most important points, discussing them, and analyzing them until hopefully we agreed on some conclusion or agreed to disagree in the matter. This is fine if everyone involved thinks this way, but I've found that this is usually not the case, and sadly, that because I thought this way, I've probably hurt many people over the years. Two minds really are better than one, but there's something vital I was missing.

When someone shares their own ideas and thoughts with us, they are sharing part of themselves. They are going out on a limb, trusting us with part of themselves. If we reply immediately with a contradictory idea, it can really hurt. However, if we treat the ideas and thoughts with respect, interest, and validation, we are in turn showing respect, interest and love toward them. When we hear commonalities with what we think, focus first on those. This builds a basis of understanding upon which you can grow. Then, if the other person wants to hear our feedback, we can share it with them. If we don't know if they want the feedback, we can ask first. Many times they just want validation and encouragement.

Love and respect are more important than giving feedback. When the person wants the feedback, then we can give it without taking away from showing our love and respect for them.

Keys to Enduring Happiness based on Studies

This is from a presentation by Craig Wilson at church. He first shared some inspiring stories of people doing acts of kindness. Then he talked about positive psychology, which has the mission of figuring out how to help people find enduring happiness. Based on multiple studies, the following ten characteristics are frequently found about people who have enduring happiness. They:

1. Use their signature strengths (aka gifts, talents) in their daily lives. They see what they do in their daily life as a calling rather than as a job or career.
2. Are involved in something bigger than self.
3. Substitute pleasures with enduring, meaningful pursuits.
4. Become more and more selfless, defined as being willing to be inconvenienced for the sake of others.
5. Have many close friendships with people they have helped or are being helped by. The wider and deeper the relationships are, the happier the person is.
6. Have high levels of volunteerism.
7. Are more religious (i.e. belief in a higher power).
8. Have an abundance of gratitude by counting blessings and expressing them.
9. Give themselves permission to be human.
10. Lead simpler lives. They realize that quantity affects quality. They don't live a "rat race".

Each one of us has signature strengths. Using those signature strengths to better the world will bring us happiness. Why don't people share their signature strengths with the world?

1. Lack of money
2. Lack of time

Doesn't God want us to share our signature strengths with the world? Shouldn't He provide a way to overcome these two obstacles? He does. In fact many religions have these answers:

Religious Laws of Prosperity:

1. Avoid debt except for necessary items such as an education or a modest home. Use restraint and get out of debt as soon as we can.
2. Live within our means. This means that our expenses are less than our net income.
3. Save a certain amount for rainy days and for later in life (i.e. as "seed corn").
4. Pay a steady, honest, and grateful tithe [and offerings]. See Malachi 3:8-11.

It is very hard to follow these laws without taking at least 10% of each check and saving it. One common pitfall is that usually people upgrade homes every seven years and start over with throwing money at the bank each month due to interest, burning their hard-earned money.

People seem to live their lives as if the more they spend on self, the more satisfied they will be with their life. This will not bring enduring satisfaction or happiness. The first bit spent on self does bring great satisfaction. This is because they are fulfilling their basic needs, and even going beyond that to the point of "enough". After that, spending more on self usually means going into unnecessary debt, which causes satisfaction in life to spiral down. Even in cases where debt is not incurred, each purchase increases satisfaction only temporarily until they realize that this is not the way to enduring happiness, at which point their satisfaction in life takes a dive. Using money wisely and for good purposes is important in gaining enduring happiness.

How to cure being a "Know-It-All"

We learn things every day, and most of the time the things we learn are accurate. Unfortunately, sometimes they are not, and we don't even know it. Many times we don't even have a lingering doubt at all in our minds. However, when we talk with other people, this confidence can be very abrasive, especially when they don't agree. If you haven't experienced this, consider yourself very lucky. If you have, here are some ideas to help. Think long and hard about the saying, "People don't care what you know until they know how much you care." Apply the truth that "Acceptance precedes change" to other people's ideas and perspectives. Until they feel understood and accepted, they're very unlikely to change their perspective. When you're 100% convinced of something and then someone disagrees, you should immediately lower your confidence level to 70%. Someone disagreeing significantly decreases the likelihood of it being true. It's almost a guarantee that you have something to learn from that person, and understanding their perspective will probably help you get closer to the truth.    -11/14/2008

Update on 8/9/2020:

Other helpful ways:

• Center your life on Christ and measure yourself by that, which can eliminate all other fears, upon which all systems of defense can be eliminated including the need to be right.
• Consider the discourse "Beware of Pride" by Ezra Taft Benson.
• Consider "The Divine Center" by Stephen R. Covey.
• Prioritize being kind over being right.
• Humbly take this plea to the Lord.  Ether 12:27
• Deepen how much you care about others and deepen your connection with them to reduce the feeling of being alone for those involved (including yourself).
• Strive to be genuine with yourself, with others, and about others.

How to get out of misery

Ever been stuck in a rut? Ever just felt like life was pointless or too much to bear? Ever just feel awful inside? Let's call that "Misery Boulevard". Fortunately, Misery Boulevard has many exits onto other paths, many of which lead to true joy. Here are some exits I've found, most of which come from personal experience. Often, multiple exits apply, so if you somehow end up back onto the boulevard, try the next one (or try the same one again).

Note: For non-religious folks, skip over the text in []'s.

Exits from Misery Boulevard:

1. Stressed? Sit and write down what you're stressed about. Identify the things you're supposed to get done. Start working on them, starting with the most important and urgent. The key here is "Do your best, and your true best is good enough". You may be surprised what you're able to accomplish and how great your true best is. [Trust God to take care of the rest.]
2. Frustrated with someone (a friend, family member, child, a stranger, etc.)? Focus on your emotions and identity how you felt from what they did. If it hurt:
   • Allow yourself a few minutes to fully recognize the hurt and how real it is.
   • Identify any times that you've hurt that person. Also, identify any times that that person has done something that helped you. Do you owe it to them to let this hurt go? If so, feel good about letting it go as a "payment" to the person for what you owe.
   • [Remember that the Lord said, "I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." How? Think about the parable in Matthew 18:21-35.] Recognize all of the things that God has forgiven you for, and compare all of that to what the person has done. Do you owe it to God to let this go? If so, then do so, feeling gratitude for everything you've been forgiven for.]
     
   • Still frustrated? [Think about what Jesus suffered in paying for everyone's sins. He has fully paid for what the person has done. Imagine Him coming to you, pleading for you to accept His payment for what the person has done. Will you turn Him away? If you accept His payment, recognize that you have been fully paid. You are now "even". Justice has been served.]
     
   • Still frustrated? Serve the person. Do something nice for them. This can help release hurt feelings by bringing that person joy. It may even help the person try to avoid frustrating you in the future. What do they like? What is something you can do with them that they'd enjoy?
     
   • Still frustrated? Serve other people. Who could use your help right now? A neighbor? A friend? A family member? A stranger? What words can you say to someone to brighten their day? What can you volunteer to do somewhere?
     
   • Still frustrated? Let the person know. Use the kindest, most thoughtful, loving way that you can to tell them what has frustrated you, and keep an open mind as you truly listen to their perspective so you can understand better why it happened.
3. Irritable or Moody? It may not be this at all, but there might be something you've done that you wish you hadn't. Is there someone you could apologize to for something? Is there something you can do to (even begin to) make up for it? Is there something you can do to avoid making that mistake in the future? [Can you ask God for Him to forgive you because Christ suffered for it?] Doing these things may make a huge difference in your mood.
4. Depressed? In a creative way (or at least some way), identify some of the things in your life that you appreciate. You could write them down, or say them, or reward yourself with an M&M for each one you can come up with, or write your feelings about each one, put them in a gratitude journal, etc. If this isn't working, keep doing it for a while longer. It's bound to make a big difference once you get into it.

Ask, Don't Tell

Instead of telling someone what to do, or telling them what they did, change it to form a question. Avoid loaded questions that assume things that are not mutually understood or that carry with them accusations. Manipulation is something to avoid. You can still convey your excitement, sadness, disappointment, etc. about it, but asking instead of telling is much gentler. The questions will also often allow the person to think about what you're asking in such a way that they come to realizations that they wouldn't otherwise.

This applies to children and adults in interacting with others. It greatly reduces chances of offending others, and helps you to act more humbly. As parents, we can use these three words to teach our children through repetition of this simple rule to communicate better with us and with others. Ideally in doing so, we will restate it in the form of a question :) such as “Will you please ask instead of telling?”

By following this simple rule, our lives will be happier, and our relationships will improve greatly.