Misinterpreted tone?

Ever get into arguments about how you said something?  Are people getting offended when you weren't trying to do so?  Stop nitpicking about what the intended tone is.

Instead, make everything you say also include the (usually unspoken) message that you love them!  You can let someone know you love them when you ask for a favor, discuss dinner options, describe your day, or anything else!

If you are not feeling love within you, you are not complete at this time.  This is dangerous and urgent. Do what it takes to feel that love.  Vocalize about how well others (especially God and your Savior) understand you, the love they have for you, what they have done for you, what they're willing to do for you, and how many times.  Count your blessings.  Pray to be filled with love.

Children's control of parental discipline

The child chooses when a punishment is needed by their behavior; parents choose the punishment; children choose if the punishment is enough (or the correct type) by their behavior.

This can result in very different punishments for different children from the same behavior.

Communication when problem solving: Interrupting each other or afraid of forgetting what you'll say?

Communication for topics when you have strong disagreements or the emotions are strong can be very difficult. In addition to dealing with emotional pain, there are a lot of activities to try to fit in. On the one hand, there is hearing, listening, and understanding the other person, analyzing what they've said, and figuring out when it's time to respond. On the other hand, there's verifying and expressing your understanding from what they said, expressing concerns, sharing your perspective, expressing intuition you might have, and proposing solutions. In addition, there's remembering all of these so that you are able to respond to each point that comes up, and remembering related issues that also need to be addressed. Throughout all of this, it's important to remember that women and men communicate differently, so some "translation" is needed to really communicate well.

This can be overwhelming and extremely difficult. This is something that I've especially struggled with. Some strategies only apply between parents (or leaders) and children which don't work between peers. In discussing this with some people, there's something that I'm trying and have had good success with already. Take it in three separate steps (avoid mixing them):

1) Understand the other person fully about a single problem. This includes hearing, listening to, and understanding the other person, including verifying and expressing your understanding from what they said. Avoid worrying or even thinking about how you'll respond, your reactions to it, or solutions that might exist. Trust that any solutions or ideas that come to you during this time will come again if still relevant in step 3. Just focus on understanding the other person. You'll know when this step is done by finding out (by asking them) if they feel understood or if there's anything they think you don't understand yet about that problem.

2) Seek to be understood. Share your perspective, feelings, thoughts and concerns about the problem. It might be best to request that they allow you do so before starting this step. It's normal for these to not match the other person's perspective, and this difference will make it clear what needs to be resolved. Put discussion off about solving the problem until you feel understood.

3) Agree on a Solution. Ask for ideas they might have that would work (this is highly recommended), analyze the problem, propose solutions, seek and express intuition, and don't consider it resolved unless you both agree on a solution.

In doing these steps, keep track of which issue is the current one, so you can keep your attention on it. Related issues may come up, which can be addressed immediately, right after the current issue, or in a later conversation. If the topic changes to a different issue, remember to do the steps in order for that issue (possibly switching who will be understood first), regardless of the state of the previous issue. Important issues will usually come up again if not addressed right away. You may find it helpful to write down the names of topics and agreed solutions for future reference. If a solution is later disputed, the issue should be rediscussed, starting with understanding the dispute itself.

Following these simple steps enables real progress toward resolving a difficult issue. Each step is valuable in and of itself. Following the steps prevents choppy conversations with many interruptions, as well as help avoid going in circles with rising emotions due to frustration. It can replace painful conversations with ones that are mutually beneficial and where love can reside.

Accused?

There are two kinds of accusations that we receive. Ones that are true and ones that are not... Actually, there's a whole spectrum of them anywhere between these two extremes. I would dare say that in most cases, if not all, there is very good feedback available in any accusation, whether it is based on truth or perception. Often we only resist the feedback because of our own pride. Sometimes it hits us so hard that it cripples us.

If you step back and realize what is happening, it is a miracle. We often get stuck in our ways and even convince ourselves that what we're doing is good or at least perfectly satisfactory. This is so common that many say that "people don't change." The miracle is that people can change! The moment we take feedback (whether in the form of accusations or not) and take it to heart and start changing because of it, a miracle is happening.

Hebrews 12:1-15 saved me once, especially the part that says, "...My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth." Just realizing that it was the Lord who was chastening me and that he was doing it out of love is all I needed to know. When I realized that, I no longer felt alone. I no longer felt accused, and instead felt loved and cared for. I felt like I mattered, and that the Lord sees a potential in me that I didn't see. I felt hope. I felt love. I felt grateful. I knew that I could change and become better. I felt grateful to the person who had given me the feedback. I was saved from despair and darkness into "a marvelous light" (see Alma 36:20).

Accusations, when received with humility and love, can be some of the greatest blessings in life. They can help us to find joy, hope, and peace, and improve ourselves in ways we were never aware of.

How to "Be One" with Others

It is important to "Be One" in several circumstances: as a married couple, as an engaged couple, as a missionary companionship, or even as a member of a team. For the purposes of this article, I'll talk about a married couple, although the same principles apply in the other circumstances.

In a healthy relationship, both spouses want the best for each other. They love each other. They want each other to be happy. They want to contribute what they can in order to accomplish this. Sometimes the relationship can become strained. Often this is because they don't agree on some issue, and instead of resolving the disagreement, one or both make a decision that the other gets upset about. Over time the disagreement festers, other disagreements add to it, and they lead to straining the relationship more and more. Some disagreements don't have any significant effect once both "agree to disagree", but others affect the life of the other person in a significant way. This is generally the case with finances, place of residence, bearing and raising children, keeping a home organized, spending time together, and more.

What can you do to "be one" with someone when a disagreement impacts both of your lives in a significant way? This is the question I propose to answer.

Warning: The answer is for oneself and not to be applied to the other person because that would not be healthy. It's okay to hope that the other person will notice changes and follow the example, but to expect it or push for it is not advised. Okay, so what is the answer?

It all starts with love.

If you are not feeling a lot of love towards them at this moment, search within yourself and re-ignite the love you have for them. In some cases, this might be very difficult because you feel so much hurt. Pray for you to be able to feel the pure love of Christ towards them. Remember how you met. Remember what brought you close together. Remember good times together. Think about what you have in common including interests, goals, values, beliefs, etc. Think about what you appreciate, admire, respect, and love about them. Think about what you hope for your future with them. Think about their potential and who they really are inside.

Love will inspire you to think more about them than yourself. From 1 Cor. 13 we read, "Charity...seeketh not her own,..." Matt 16:25 states, "for whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Mosiah 2:17 states, "...when ye are in service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." These scriptures help us see that in order to achieve true love, we need to be selfless, and lose ourselves in the service of others. In doing so, we will be blessed with a greater capacity to love and serve. We must be careful to not take on more than we can do, however, "for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength." (Mos. 4:27) Still, you are capable of doing much, maybe even more than you thought possible. By serving, your love will grow and strengthen.

Along with love, have faith in them. For some, it is easier to have faith in God than in someone who is imperfect and mortal just as yourself. In this case, have faith in them, trusting that God is helping and supporting them. Even when we make mistakes, God is there to help us pick up the pieces, and start again. Wouldn't it be better to do that together as one than to be divided? "Two are better than one;...for if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe unto him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up." (Eccl. 4:8-9)

The answer is to "go along for the ride." Allow them to discover the truth, with you by their side. Share your thoughts and ideas only when they actually want you to. If you're not sure whether they want to hear them, then ask them. Go along with what they want to do (even if you don't agree). When you notice their good ideas and successes, point them out. Support them in their struggles. Comfort them when they need it. If they look to you for validation of their feelings, do so. If they lack confidence in their ideas, encourage them, trying out the ideas with them. As they look to you for help, commit to do so, and follow through with your commitments as best you can. If you struggle, share your personal challenges and ask them (and even others) for advice. When things don't work out well, point out observations (not conclusions) and ask them for advice.

Through love and faith in them, you can "be one" with someone else, even when you don't agree on issues that impact both of your lives in a significant way.

How to treat others' ideas

I always thought simply "two minds are better than one". When people would share ideas, suggestions, or thoughts with me, I would find myself comparing them with what I thought, and when they didn't overlap with mine, I'd explain my own perspective and thoughts. I had the thought that we could get all the ideas onto the table and then we could fish through them and find the truth amidst all of it, finding the most important points, discussing them, and analyzing them until hopefully we agreed on some conclusion or agreed to disagree in the matter. This is fine if everyone involved thinks this way, but I've found that this is usually not the case, and sadly, that because I thought this way, I've probably hurt many people over the years. Two minds really are better than one, but there's something vital I was missing.

When someone shares their own ideas and thoughts with us, they are sharing part of themselves. They are going out on a limb, trusting us with part of themselves. If we reply immediately with a contradictory idea, it can really hurt. However, if we treat the ideas and thoughts with respect, interest, and validation, we are in turn showing respect, interest and love toward them. When we hear commonalities with what we think, focus first on those. This builds a basis of understanding upon which you can grow. Then, if the other person wants to hear our feedback, we can share it with them. If we don't know if they want the feedback, we can ask first. Many times they just want validation and encouragement.

Love and respect are more important than giving feedback. When the person wants the feedback, then we can give it without taking away from showing our love and respect for them.

Keys to Enduring Happiness based on Studies

This is from a presentation by Craig Wilson at church. He first shared some inspiring stories of people doing acts of kindness. Then he talked about positive psychology, which has the mission of figuring out how to help people find enduring happiness. Based on multiple studies, the following ten characteristics are frequently found about people who have enduring happiness. They:

1. Use their signature strengths (aka gifts, talents) in their daily lives. They see what they do in their daily life as a calling rather than as a job or career.
2. Are involved in something bigger than self.
3. Substitute pleasures with enduring, meaningful pursuits.
4. Become more and more selfless, defined as being willing to be inconvenienced for the sake of others.
5. Have many close friendships with people they have helped or are being helped by. The wider and deeper the relationships are, the happier the person is.
6. Have high levels of volunteerism.
7. Are more religious (i.e. belief in a higher power).
8. Have an abundance of gratitude by counting blessings and expressing them.
9. Give themselves permission to be human.
10. Lead simpler lives. They realize that quantity affects quality. They don't live a "rat race".

Each one of us has signature strengths. Using those signature strengths to better the world will bring us happiness. Why don't people share their signature strengths with the world?

1. Lack of money
2. Lack of time

Doesn't God want us to share our signature strengths with the world? Shouldn't He provide a way to overcome these two obstacles? He does. In fact many religions have these answers:

Religious Laws of Prosperity:

1. Avoid debt except for necessary items such as an education or a modest home. Use restraint and get out of debt as soon as we can.
2. Live within our means. This means that our expenses are less than our net income.
3. Save a certain amount for rainy days and for later in life (i.e. as "seed corn").
4. Pay a steady, honest, and grateful tithe [and offerings]. See Malachi 3:8-11.

It is very hard to follow these laws without taking at least 10% of each check and saving it. One common pitfall is that usually people upgrade homes every seven years and start over with throwing money at the bank each month due to interest, burning their hard-earned money.

People seem to live their lives as if the more they spend on self, the more satisfied they will be with their life. This will not bring enduring satisfaction or happiness. The first bit spent on self does bring great satisfaction. This is because they are fulfilling their basic needs, and even going beyond that to the point of "enough". After that, spending more on self usually means going into unnecessary debt, which causes satisfaction in life to spiral down. Even in cases where debt is not incurred, each purchase increases satisfaction only temporarily until they realize that this is not the way to enduring happiness, at which point their satisfaction in life takes a dive. Using money wisely and for good purposes is important in gaining enduring happiness.