How to create or deepen your connection with someone

 I've realized that I want to deepen my connections with loved ones and with others.  I struggle sometimes to know how to do so without me feeling awkward or it feeling too difficult.  To help me and hopefully you as well, here are some ways that came to mind to create or deepen a connection with someone:

1. Learn and use their name.  
• People love to hear their name; it helps them feel seen and acknowledged.
2. Show interest in them.
• Be CURIOUS!
• Ask them what they are passionate about.  
• Look at their social media and "like" or comment on things they've posted.
• Ask about their family, their life story, their hopes, their challenges, their plans.
3. Ask a follow-up question about something they told you in a previous conversation.
• This can mean a lot to someone because it means you cared enough to remember.  This can take a concerted effort if you're anything like me who struggles to remember things.
4. Serve them.  
• If you don't know how you can serve them, put yourself into their shoes, and try to identify something.  Alternatively, just ask them what you can do for them or how you can pray for them.
5. Allow them to serve you.  
• Have the courage to briefly mention a challenge you are having.  Of course, do this without any pressure, and also avoid putting up walls in the process.
6. Ask them questions that they WANT to answer.  
• One way is to ask them about something you know they are passionate about.  It doesn't need to be something you are personally interested in.  The key is that you are interested in them, and that includes being interested in what they care about.
• Ask: What unimaginably good things has God done in your life?
• Another way is to find or come up with interesting questions.  Here are some to get you started: https://www.signupgenius.com/groups/getting-to-know-you-questions.cfm
7. Share meaningful stories or other truths with them that they would like to hear.
• Memories you have of them
• Entertaining stories (especially about you that they haven't heard or might not remember).
• Personal experiences that shaped your life.
• Principles that matter to you and why.
8. Ask for their advice, feedback, or insights.
• It means a lot when you are interested in what they have to say or share, especially when it is an opportunity for them to make a difference in your life.
9. Find out "where they are at" emotionally or in their journey through their day or life and acknowledge it with love and empathy.
• This could be as simple as asking "how are you?" in a sincere way, seeking more than an "I'm fine."
• You could ask a question like these:
• "Is there anything you're looking forward to?"
• "What do you dread?"
• "What was your biggest victory today (or this week)?"
• "What frustrates you?"
• "Is there anything you're excited about?"
• "What are you grateful for?"
• Tip: One way to think about this is that you are base jumping into their world as an adventure of curiosity and discovery.  You are leaving behind your own perceptions and world and entering theirs.  After this whole exercise and after your interaction with them, go back to your own world of perceptions and reconcile it with what you saw and experienced there.  This will greatly expand your understanding and help you to learn and grow.
• Acknowledge what they've shared with love.  Convey to them that they are not alone and that you've got their back (as best as you can).
• Show empathy, seeking to feel the emotions they've shared.  It can help to get in touch with times that you've felt a similar way (without talking about it and making the conversation about you).  When you feel the emotions, share what comes to mind (not just repeat what they already said).
10. Share your emotions and desires for them.
• Example: "What I want for you is for you to find fulfillment in your life and not be bogged down with fear and obstacles.  I am overjoyed to have you in my life."
11. Provide a safe space for them to share and open up.
• Approach them from a place of understanding and compassion.  Express that you want them to know that you love them no matter what; that you are there for them and have their back.  This is especially important when they've made a choice that you don't agree with, but is great other times as well.
12. Express genuine gratitude.
• This can be about them or really anything that you are deeply or even whimsically grateful for.  You can follow-up by asking what they are grateful for.
13. Answer their sincere questions without putting up walls.
• When they ask you a question, have the courage to answer it honestly and in an open, heartfelt way.  Note: This doesn't apply when they aren't REALLY asking (such as a "how are you?" that is really a substitute for "hello").
14. Give them loving touch.
• Hugs can speak volumes and break down barriers.  Even friendly punching, wrestling, tripping, or physical activities can deepen connections.  Give them touch in ways that they welcome.
15. Give them a meaningful gift.
• It can be as simple as a card with heartfelt words, a flower from the garden, or it could be something they've talked about wanting.  The motive in giving the gift is EVERYTHING.  For it to build connection, it needs to come from genuine desire, not out of obligation.
16. Capture, record, and/or publish moments together.
• This can be photos, videos, audio recordings, writing down quotes or experiences, and optionally posting them on social media.
• When you do this, it is one way to show that you value your time together.
17. Do something with them that they enjoy.
• It doesn't have to be something that you also enjoy, as long as you're totally willing and a good sport about it.  Of course, if there are things that you both enjoy, that makes it even better.
18. Serve or do work with them.
• This can be as simple as helping them do their chores, inviting them to join you in serving someone else, or expressing enjoyment in working with a co-worker.
19. Play together.
• This can be goofing around, playing board/card games, playing a sport for fun, creating something amusing, telling jokes, or whatever else "play" is to you.  Use your imagination and enjoy it!  Play is one of the most healing and under-estimated activities that there is.  
• Note: This does NOT mean silently staring at a screen next to each other playing a video game or watching something.

There are certainly many more ways to connect with people.  I'd love to hear your thoughts and ideas!  Connecting is something that all of us need.  There are way too many people who feel alone in this world!

Communicating effectively: circumstances, emotions, and desires

Too often in our communication, we say things that build walls, fear, and isolation instead of compassion and connection.  Expressing negative thoughts, negative tone, and expectations, and acting out our emotions cause all kinds of barriers and defensiveness.  It can get to the point of actually training the other person to not listen to you.  The golden parts of what we are really hoping to express are our emotions, circumstances, and desires.  Those three are the least controversial, build the most connection, and inspire the most compassion and curiosity.  Desires are not the same as expectations, although often conflated.  

Even when you understand what a desire is, it can still be very difficult to convey in an effective way.  We don't want the other person to feel pressured, obligated, or otherwise feel like we expect them to comply.  We want them to see an opportunity that they can do something meaningful and fulfilling.  We want them to feel compassion and enjoy the experience.  In considering various approaches, and with total flexibility, I've decided that my preferred approach looks something like this:

"I'm feeling ______ (with _____).   I would ______ to ________ if it's ok."

It is probably intuitive enough, but here it is with more detail of what goes where. 

 "I'm feeling _(emotion)__ (with __(circumstances)__).   I would _(my likely response to a yes)__ to ____(my desire)____ if it's ok."

The "with ____" part is optional.  It is there to convey your circumstances and may or may not be helpful based on the situation.

Example:

"I'm feeling really anxious right now with so much going on.  I would love to have some of those chocolate-covered cinnamon bears if it's ok."

I'm hoping that this approach does all of the following:

• expresses my emotions and desires
• builds connection
• inspires compassion
• honors boundaries
• enables the other person to not feel manipulated (giving them an easy-in to explain any obstacles to what I'm wanting)
• doesn't require or emphasize that the other person is in control of the situation
• doesn't imply that the other person would be likely to withhold (such as being surprised if they say yes)
• allows the other person to claim or own control if they see it that way
• describes what my reaction will be to a positive response
• inspires an overall feeling of gratitude and connection throughout and afterward

I would absolutely love for each of us to communicate effectively in ways that build connections, inspire compassion, lead to living more deeply, and living in more fulfilling ways.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback on this, especially if you try it out.

How to Help Someone Progress

The title "Hold Accountable in the Lord's Way" could be ignored or adjusted in many ways.  This is what I've learned as an effective way to help someone progress.

Needs

Do you ever feel like your needs are not being met?  Do you ever feel neglected by others?  How many of us are suffering from unmet needs?  What are needs? How can we know what our needs even are? 

Who is responsible for meeting our needs?  What role do we play in our own needs?  What role does God play in our needs?  Have we ever had our needs not  be met and then later realize that we still ended up ok anyway?  Have we ever gotten very upset, made a fuss, suffered. cried and even grieved over our unmet needs until we eventually accept our reality and make peace with it?  What happened in those situations?  Did our needs change or did our belief about our needs change?  Isn't it God's responsibility for our needs to be met?  Doesn't he give us air to breathe, water to drink, food to eat, shelter, and clothing one way or another?  Doesn't he put people in our path and into our lives to make sure that we are eventually alright?  Don't we even need times of struggle to learn and grow? Don't we all have a time eventually when it is our time to die and we won't even need our "basic needs"? 

If God is faithful, is there ever really a moment that our needs are not met?  Really think about it.  Is there?  I believe there isn't.  Our actual honest to goodness needs are always met. So... what does it mean when we feel our needs are not met?  Doesn't it mean we don't understand our needs as well as God does?  We can argue, complain, become bitter, pity ourselves, blame others, and suffer in any number of ways, but the fact remains that our needs have actually been met the whole time. 

I'm not saying that we need everything that happens to happen, but I am saying that we didn't need it to not happen.  I'm also not saying that our desires aren't very important and valid.  They are worth seeking fervently, especially with God's blessing and help.  It is also our privilege and calling to help bless others in their needs and desires. 

The real issue is: do each of us want to suffer and be in agony or do we want to trust God's wisdom and be truly happy?  It's totally ok to make either choice. We all choose to suffer sometimes. I just think it may be helpful to be aware of and remember that we have that choice.  God will always and has always provided for all of our needs.  He is so incredibly great.  Blessed be the name of our God.

How to not shoot down others' ideas and still get what you want

I have a tendency to shoot down other people's ideas.  I often come up with ideas that I think are totally awesome and, in my mind, fit the problem really well.  However, to my chagrin, when I share ideas I have sometimes done it in a way that is confrontational or even combative.  People sometimes resist them, get upset, or are frustrated that I am shooting down their ideas.  I then judge them for being self-absorbed, having their own agenda, not wanting the overall good, or being closed-minded (which ironically is probably more true about me).  This then spirals down to either arguing or putting up walls with subsequent grumblings.

Recently when someone brought up a concern about me shooting down their idea, I stepped back to really look at the situation.  I have started to see beyond people's words, tone, and expectations and to get a deeper sense of their feelings and desires.  In doing so, I really don't want to hurt people, and shooting down their ideas does hurt them, hurts our relationship, is demeaning, and chases away creative juices.  After pondering it and using some of the principles I'm learning right now about how to regard people, an approach came to mind.

Think of an "idea" as an option for solving a problem.  There are often several options for the exact same problem.  However, the options are not equal.  Each option has pros and cons which can be represented as requirements and preferences.  A "requirement" is something that is absolutely needed, while a "preference" is something that is wanted but not absolutely necessary.  An example of converting a con into a requirement is converting "it costs a lot" to the requirement of "it must be affordable."  Both requirements and preferences are types of criteria.  Ideally, the best option will be one that meets all the requirements and also satisfies as many of the most compelling preferences as possible.

When someone shares an idea, here is the approach I'm suggesting:

1. POINT OUT BENEFITS: Identify and verbalize the valuable criteria that you can see that their idea meets.  Try to point out the met criteria that you think the person values the most.  Also, try to point out the met criteria that you value the most in their idea.
2. FIND MISSED CRITERIA: Silently identify the criteria that the idea doesn't meet which you value the most.  When you have your own idea for a solution, one way to find interesting criteria is to identify compelling ones that your idea provides.
3. TRY TO ADD EACH MISSED REQUIREMENT OR PREFERENCE: Starting with the requirement or preference that is most important to you, ask them if there is any way to ALSO meet that requirement or preference.  This gives them the opportunity to enhance their idea.

If they come up with a way to enhance it, then their idea is now more attractive to you.  Because they are the ones enhancing it, they retain ownership of the idea, which is good for their self-esteem and makes it a positive experience for everyone.

Sometimes the requirement or preference that you ask about cannot coexist with some aspects of their idea.  It is critical that you don't suggest changing those aspects.  You can state that you don't see any way to ALSO meet this new requirement or preference although you wish there were one.  This allows them to weigh the new criteria with their current idea and if they decide the new criteria is more valuable, they can decide to drop or change the aspects of their idea that are incompatible.  They might not even realize that they are doing so, such as if they didn't see the conflict that you are seeing.

If they want to but are struggling to find an idea that meets the criteria, you can ask if they would like to hear your idea.  However, be sure to emphasize any criteria that they value that your idea doesn't meet.  This helps them know that they are being heard and regarded and can prevent defensiveness.  This can also bring them awareness as to other criteria to consider and allow them to reconsider the importance of the criteria they have been valuing.

If they won't drop their criteria, consider dropping yours.  If that isn't acceptable to you, it may be a good time to say you'd like some time to think about the problem more.  This can give both of you time to think about it more, which can lead to refining the criteria in both of your minds to what is most important. 

The beauty of this approach is that at no point are you shooting down their idea or even criteria that they value.  You are seeking the best outcome while giving them as much credit as possible.  At no point are you agreeing to an idea that doesn't meet your current requirements, so you get what you are most wanting (aka requiring).  Never are you putting down their idea, and never is there contention.  It will likely be a positive experience for all involved.  This positive, cooperative feeling can help bring out the best in everyone, which can lead to ideas that are better than what you would have ever thought of.  Whether you prefer Boyd K. Packer's quote that "revelation is scattered among us" or the concept that "two heads are better than one," it can be a wonderful thing to collaborate with others.  Using this approach not only helps the solution to be great but helps everyone have a great experience getting there.

Love your spouse with all your heart

I found myself pondering about my temple marriage covenants.  What have I covenanted to do in treating my amazing wife?  I came upon an article that talks about them.  It said that "Those who are married should consider their union as their most cherished earthly relationship, for a spouse is the only person other than the Lord whom we have been commanded to love with all our heart (see Doctrine and Covenants 42:22)."  That verse reads, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else."

I asked myself: what does it mean "to love with all my heart"?  I found an article that describes it in terms of God: "The heart sustains life. 'Heart' often means the center or core of something and the place where desires and emotions reside. To serve God with all our heart is to give Him all of our desires, will, and love."

Loving our spouse "with all of our heart" means giving them all of our "desires, will, and love".  I've been learning about desire.  My recent blog post about expectations points out that desires and expectations are not the same.  We can desire something without expecting it.  In fact, desiring without expecting is key to happiness.  Whatever part of our reality matches our desires and exceeds our expectations is where we find gratitude and happiness.

What does it mean to give our desires to someone?  Does it mean we opt to have no desire whatsoever?  No.  If we are left with no desires, then nothing can bring us happiness.  The first commandment is to "love God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind."  I can love God by submitting my will to His.  God has taught me personally to say that "my will sucks; what I really want is what God wants."  I say that often to myself to remind myself how God's ways are higher than my ways.  I fully trust that He wants what is best for me and my family.  He knows what will bring me happiness much better than I do.  He knows what my potential is and how to get there.  The more I can submit my will to his, the better my life will be.  This is how I see we can love God with all of our hearts.

How does this apply to "loving [my] wife with all [my] heart"?  What if I say to myself, "my will sucks; my spouse's will is awesome."  What if I choose to adopt my spouse's desires and will as my own?  If I have my spouse's desires, I indeed have some desires.  This means that I can find happiness as I see reality matching any portion of those desires (as I also keep my expectations low).  Adopting my spouse's desires doesn't mean adopting the same expectations, thoughts, opinions, etc.  Whether or not a spouse has high or low expectations, is unhappy or happy, each of us can still find happiness in fulfilling those desires.  If I do that, I will be filling my own bucket as I put effort into those desires.  I'd be doing them out of love for my wife in that I have made her desires my own.  In fact, I'd even be doing them out of self-love since they are now my own desires and I am working to fulfill them.

In doing this, am I to completely eliminate my own personal desires that aren't hers?  I'm curious what your thoughts are on this.  Please comment below.  In any case, I know that I find joy in fulfilling my desires whether they are my own or adopted.  In adopting God's desires, I have found extensive joy.

What is the first step?  I believe that a prerequisite to all of this is to love yourself.  In my experience, the best way to love myself is to first love God.  God loves each of us so incredibly deeply and completely that loving Him and connecting ourselves to Him fills us with peace, joy, and purpose.  Then, doing what I truly desire (ideally inspired by God and is never just coping with or escaping reality) will continue to fill me with energy and love. Once I've done enough self-love that my bucket is full and even overflowing, I am ready to begin loving my spouse with all my heart.

At that point, I need to understand what my spouse actually desires.  From some people I've talked to, this can be surprisingly difficult.  In some cases, they have long since forgotten who they are and what they desire.  A promising approach is to put yourself into their shoes.  Remember anything they've said, recent or in the distant past, of what they desire.  This isn't about taking on their fears, reservations, shame, guilt, or other concerns (although empathy is also a really good idea).  This is about what they wish, what they would love, what would bring them fulfillment and joy.  What have you seen them respond to with excitement, motivation, or passion?  What puts a gleam into their eye?  Is it bringing new life to something old and worn?  Is it making delectable food?  Is it bringing relief to the weary or lost?  Is it organizing a section of the home?  Is it traveling afar?  Is it creating art?  Is it playing with children?  Is it opening up their entire soul to someone who will still love them as they are?  Is it growing old with someone?  Is it teaching something meaningful?  Is it healing someone?  Is it holding someone in their loving arms?  Is it being there for someone who is going through suffering or struggle?  Is it holding a brand new grandchild?  Is it having a picnic in the park?  It can take time, effort, and truly listening, and it may even take a lot of trial and error.

Again, God counsels us that "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." This journey may take a lifetime, but I have faith that the fruits are magnificent and breathtaking along the way.

Guilt

Even now in my forties, I found myself wondering about the concept of guilt.  I wanted clarity to help me in navigating all the complex emotions I experience.  I asked my friends for help.  These are my conclusions:

What is guilt? Where does it come from?

We each have acceptable thresholds for our own behavior. We each decide what they should be. We come up with these using various sources, some of which are our conscience, personal revelation, upbringing, culture, religion, and laws. We can change our thresholds over time. Anytime we behave against those thresholds, we have violated our integrity and so we feel guilt.

What should I do when I feel guilt?

Guilt is a wake-up call for us to take action, whether to adjust our behavior, our thresholds or both. These actions take us toward personal integrity. When our behavior is in conformance with our thresholds of acceptable behavior, we have integrity, peace, and are free of guilt.

Isn't it rationalizing if I adjust my acceptable thresholds to match my behavior?

Yes, and all of us have done this whether we recognize it or not.  We are still subject to external consequences (laws, social pressures, the Holy Ghost, etc.) that may bring us to reconsider these adjustments.

What if I can't seem to change my behavior or thresholds to what I think they should be?

There are several helpful options I see:

1. Seek help.  There are many resources to help us in our struggles.  We don't have to do it alone.  Some of my personal favorite sources of help are close friends, getting close to God (Ether 12:27), using TheWork.com, and Non-Violent Communication.
2. Change the threshold into a target or vision to work toward, rather than using it to punish on the way there.  This way we can accept ourselves where we are now, knowing that we are working toward becoming much better.
3. Do your best.  Not only is it true that "Your best is good enough", but even more: "Your best is amazing!"

Thanks

Thank you for thinking about this concept.  I want all of us to find much greater joy in our lives and do much less suffering.  This life is about growing, which isn't comfortable, but well worth it.