Growing in Love - Examples

The post on "Growing in Love" is has a lot of information.  What does it really look like in everyday life?  I'd like to show this with some examples.

• Unloving: "Leave me alone."
  
  Hearing out: "I need some time alone right now.  Can you find something to do for a bit."
• Unloving: "Don't cry!"
  
  Hearing out: "Why are you crying?  What's wrong?"
• Unloving: "You have to finish your food."
  
  Hearing out: "If we don't finish our food, we end up throwing it away and wasting it.  It's sad for me because I work hard to get and prepare the food.  What can you do to make this better?"
• Unloving: "Give back that toy!  You need to share."
  
  Hearing out: "You really want to play with that cool toy, right?" (wait for response) "It looks pretty fun...  What does Billy want?" (wait for response and, if needed, explain that Billy wants to play with it too)  "What can you do to make this better?"
• Unloving: "I can't believe you wrecked our car!  Were you texting while driving!?!"
  
  Hearing out: "You must be so shaken up!  Wrecks can be so scary.  How are you doing?"  After you listen with love and understanding, ask, "What can we do to make this better?"

These examples are just some that I thought of.  There are an unlimited number of problems.  The whole point is to hear out the problem with love and understanding.  The most important thing is to put yourself into their shoes and help them feel understood.

What I've seen is that taking 10 extra seconds to help someone feel understood has a HUGE impact!  Children who are possessive will suddenly be willing to play together, take turns, offer other toys, etc.  People respond immediately to it in very positive ways.

I'd love to hear about even better ways to address these situations or about other situations that you encounter.  My only desire is that we can all grow in love.

Stories:

• I hear screaming from the other room from my 5 year old son.  I walk in and say "B, you're really sad?" 
  "Yes."
  "What do you want?"
  "I want Jason to not hurt me."
  "Jason hurt you?"
  "Yeah."
  "What does Jason want?"
  He calms down significantly.
  "He wants to not eat the candy."
  "What can you do so that you and him are both happy?"
  "Not have him eat the candy."
  "What else?"
  "Give him a hug."
  "Great idea.  Go ahead."
  

Growing in Love

I have been working for months on understanding how to grow in love and happiness.  I deeply wanted to know about this for my own benefit, for the benefit of my children, and anyone else who could benefit.  This is what came to me, after several major revisions, combining information from many good sources.  This process is, I believe, the best way to approach any problem, and a sure path to true growth.  Nothing here is new.  It is the result of piecing together information.  The path to growth is simple and paved with love.  Below each step are two lists.  The left is how to do the step, and the right is what the result can be.

Steps:

1) Know about a Problem

We are surrounded by problems.  They can ones that we've caused, ones that came upon us, are afflicting loved ones, are long-term issues that may never actually go away, discord, disagreements, mistakes, concerns, local or foreign poverty, politics, confusion, or anything else.  Problems are where growth begins.  "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger."  "No pain, no gain."

Avoid) Be Selfish

This step is always available.  It is human nature to be selfish.  It is rampant in the word today.  It is the root cause of the large majority of problems that exist.  It is the "easy way".  Rationalizing and minimizing are the doorway.  They soothe our guilt and conscience to enable us to entertain it.  We are enticed to do it from many sides.  

Pure love eliminates all selfishness, fear, comparison, and forcefulness.

Selfishness leads to misery in all of its forms.

2) Hear out the Problem with Love and Understanding

Why do people argue, whine, get angry, abuse, distrust, deceive, and rebel?  They don't feel a connection.  They don't feel understood.  They feel alone.  They don't feel loved.  The solution is simple.  Hear out the problem with love and understanding.

For problems that involve others, start by (1) hearing them out.  Don't just listen with your ears.  Put yourself into their shoes.  Imagine what their situation feels like.  If you can't seem to make sense of something, ask them about it, with genuine caring.  Don't judge, criticize, or get defensive.  Don't make them feel like they're trapped in a corner or start any kind of power struggle because that will only make them feel forced into a fight or flight response.  Don't try to think about what you're going to say.  Just stop and listen.  Don't ask questions you already know the answers to.  There's no script for this.  You will find that by doing the effort to put yourself into their shoes, the lights will turn on, and you will begin to understand.  When you visualize yourself in their shoes, your naturally incredible mind will take everything in, including their body language, their tone, their words, the words they aren't saying, and the details you know about their lives.  You can even do this even if they're not around you by recalling conversations you've had in the past.

Put yourself into their shoes and share what you see/feel there.  When they are defensive or arguing, that's showing a need to feel understood and loved!  It also shows that you're not really listening to them.  Point out sincerely that "I could be wrong" (even if you feel sure). Asap, apologize for not listening better.

Once you feel like you understand their perspective, (2) reflect it back in a way can feel that you do.  Show genuine compassion.  Faking this won't fool anyone!  You don't have to regurgitate everything they said.  It can be as simple as, "Wow!"  It could be summarizing what they've told you in a sentence.  It could be telling them a similar experience you've had or know of.  It could be a hug with no words at all.

Their perspective is often not representative of the whole problem.  (3) Help them to do the same about others involved, if any.  Examples: "Why do you think they did that?"  "What are they wanting?"  "What would you be thinking if you were in their shoes?"  

After others' have been shared, (4) share you own perspective.  This includes your love for them, your needs, your desires, your hopes, your feelings, your observations of what occurred (not your derived conclusions - simply stating facts, especially stating the problem), and your fears.  Claim the blame for mistakes you may have done.  Do NOT include judgement, blame, options, or decisions.  You cannot force them to learn or agree.  Sharing your perspective opens you up, makes you vulnerable, and provides the path to stronger relationships.  Walls come down and you feel a stronger connection to each other.  Everyone involved in this process has a much clearer understanding of the problem and each other.

Sticking to sharing feelings and observations mitigates, or even eliminates, arguments.
Share your perspective (observations, thoughts and beliefs) based on current and past observations and experiences.  Don't poke, prod, accuse, command (such as "stop lying!"), or be repetitive.  If you find that they don't want to listen to your thoughts, they probably don't not feel like you care much about them.  "They won't care how much you know until they know how much you care."  Be sure that they feel your love for them first.

Amazingly, the problem is often totally solved at this point.  So many problems boil down to misunderstandings.  In these cases, by simply understanding, the problem is gone!

For projects, this is the phase of gathering requirements.  By hearing out the needs of the end-users, and sharing each other's perspectives, you arrive at a clear understanding of the core problem to address.

3) Discover and Consider Options

...Allow them to take responsibility for the problem.  They can learn from your perspective and others' if they want to.  Controlling them robs them of growth instead of fostering it.

4) Decide to Love 

...

5) Act with Love

...

6) Evaluate Outcome

...

Dealing with Negative Criticism (The Big Red Balloon)

Dealing with a flood of negative criticism can be very unnerving.  It brings a whole new meaning to the word "patience".

When I was a missionary (for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), I had an unforgettable experience.  My companion and I were walking down a street and we heard someone calling, "Elders!"  I got excited.  We didn't know them, yet just by how they addressed us, they seemed to know about us and what we do.  They invited us to come onto their porch where a small group of people were sitting.  They seemed pleasant and we started to get to know them a little.

When we asked them if they'd like to hear our message, they started criticizing our beliefs.  It wasn't a few concerns, it was an outpouring of rude criticism.  I immediately wanted to get out of there.  I wanted to cordially excuse ourselves since they were clearly not interested, however I couldn't get a word in edgewise.  I finally stood up, and interrupted them between their hurtful words to let them know we were going.

When we had made it down the street, my companion asked me why I'd gotten so mad.  I was startled at his question.  I knew that I hadn't yelled, insulted, or stormed off.  When I asked him what he meant, he explained that they could tell I was upset.  That's what they had wanted and I gave it to them.

I felt embarrassed to have done that, but I was confused.  What else could I have done?  Just sit there?  What good would that do?  I'd rather visit people who were interested in our message.  I couldn't stop thinking about it though...

Suddenly a thought came to my mind: I should have remained peaceful.  Patience isn't about waiting for my turn or putting up with something annoying.  It's about feeling peace in the midst of difficult circumstances.  If I could have remained calm, I could have been an example of love, acceptance of others, and had the opportunity to share my testimony and feelings about the gospel with them.

But how?  How could I possibly remain calm in the midst of such attacks?  I had to somehow not take their words personally.  I had to see them for what they were, and keep my perspective clear.

That's when the thought came about a big red balloon.  I could visualize that they had a red balloon, starting out empty, in their mouths.  Then, as they talked, the words would go into the balloon.  The more they talked, the more it would fill up, but the whole time, I would be safe from being hurt.  I could encourage them to get it all out by asking them about things that I didn't quite understand, and asking if there was anything else.  By allowing them to fill up the balloon, they will get to the point where they would feel heard.  Then, I could partially deflate the balloon by bringing up points that we agree with.  At that point, I could calmly, and sincerely ask if they would like to hear our message.  If they declined, I could at least share my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Knowing that I could have peace through a barrage of insults and attacks gave me greater confidence.  I wasn't afraid of criticizing words.  Instead, they would give me a chance to pass along the unconditional love that I feel from Christ.

How to "Be One" with Someone

It is important to "Be One" in several circumstances: as a married couple, as an engaged couple, as a missionary companionship, or even as a member of a team.  Jesus Christ said, "If ye are not one, ye are not mine." (D&C 38:27)  For the purposes of this article, I'll refer to a married couple, although the same principles apply in the other circumstances.

In a healthy relationship, both spouses want the best for each other.  They love each other.  They want each other to be happy.  They want to contribute what they can in order to accomplish this.  Sometimes the relationship can become strained.  Often this is because they don't agree on some issue, and instead of resolving the disagreement, one or both make a decision that the other gets upset about.  Over time the disagreement festers, other disagreements add to it, and they lead to straining the relationship more and more.  Some disagreements don't have any significant effect once both "agree to disagree", but others affect the life of the other person in a significant way.  This is generally the case with finances, planning time together, place of residence, bearing and raising children, keeping a home organized, spending time together, and more.

What can you do to "be one" with someone when a disagreement impacts both of your lives in a significant way?  This is the question I propose to answer.

It all starts with love.

If you are not feeling a lot of love towards them at this moment, search within yourself and re-ignite the love you have for them.  In some cases, this might be very difficult because you feel so much hurt.  Pray for you to feel the pure love of Christ towards them (see Moroni 7:48).  Remember good times together.  Remember how you met.  Remember what brought you close together.  Think about what you have in common including interests, goals, values, beliefs, etc.  Think about what you appreciate, admire, respect, and love about them.  Think about what you hope with them for the future.   Think about their potential and who they really are inside.

Love will inspire you.  From 1 Cor. 13 we read, "Charity...seeketh not her own,..."  Matt 16:25 states, "for whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it."  Mosiah 2:17 states, "...when ye are in service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."  These scriptures help us see that in order to achieve true love, we need to be selfless, and lose ourselves in the service of others.  In doing so, we will be blessed with a greater capacity to love and serve.  We must be careful to not take on more than we can do, however, "for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength." (Mosiah 4:27)  This perspective helps in trying to be one with your spouse.

Along with love, have faith in them.  For some, it is easier to have faith in God than in someone who is imperfect and mortal just as yourself.  In this case, have faith in them, trusting that God is helping and supporting them.  Even when we make mistakes, God is there to help us pick up the pieces, and start again.  Wouldn't it be better to do that together as one than to be divided?

Truly listen to them.  Put yourself into their shoes and see life from their perspective.  When you are confused, ask them to help you understand better.

The main answer I found is to "go along for the ride."  Allow them to discover the truth, and only guide them when they want it and they need it.  Feel free to share your thoughts and ideas in passing if they would like to hear them.  (If you don't know if they want to hear them, feel free to ask them.)  However, go along with what they want to do.  Point it out when you notice their good ideas and successes.  Support them in their struggles.  Comfort them when they need it.  As they look to you for help, commit to do so, and follow through with your commitments.  If they look to you for validation of their feelings, do so.  If they lack confidence in their ideas, support them by pointing out advantages that you see.

How to Progress! - Practical Repentance

As a parent, I want to help my children to learn and grow as much as I can.  My thoughts from my recent post on "Motivation to Change for the Better" got be looking for a simple exercise that could help anyone (myself and my children included) to truly grow and progress.  This is a work in progress at this point, but has shown very good results already:

On a piece of paper, claim the blame.  This means ONLY write what YOU did wrong.  This should not include anything that anyone else did that was bad.

Next write 5 levels of disadvantages.  To do this, write one reason of why doing it was bad (i.e. a disadvantage).  That reason is considered level 1. Then, about that reason, answer the question, "What's so bad about that?"  This deeper reason is considered level 2.  Repeat until you have 5 levels for that disadvantages.  Then come up with a different disadvantage and do 5 levels for it.  Repeat until you can't think of any other disadvantages.

Now write all of the excuses, rationalizations, and minimizations that come to mind about why what you did isn't such a big deal.  Leave room after each one.

Then after each excuse/rationalization/minimization, answer the question, "Why isn't this a good reason to do what I did?"

The last step is not written.  Read and reread all that you've written, letting it penetrate and motivate you to truly change and to repair the damage you've caused.  When you've done it enough, you'll know because you'll feel a pit in your stomach for what you've done.  You'll feel willing to take whatever consequence and embarrassment that you deserve.  You'll be willing to confess your actions to whoever was directly affected.  You'll feel more than willing to repair all the damage.  You will have a conviction to do much better in the future.  You are truly growing and progressing toward your potential.

Listening 101 for Men :)

The title is a tease; in my experience, men are typically much worse listeners compared to women.  In fact, I have been one of the worst.  I recently gained a whole new perspective on listening and would like to share what I wish I had understood before.  The sad thing is that I'd heard it all before, but it was either too foreign, too overwhelming, or didn't seem to apply to me.

As I see it, it's a total miracle that we can communicate at all.  We start with some concept in our minds.  We translate it into words.  We turn the words into phonetics.  We make our tongues and mouths turn those phenetics into the corresponding sounds.  The sounds travel through the air, making it past noise and other competing sounds.  Another person's eardrum vibrates from the sounds.  They interpret those sounds into phonetics.  They combine the phonetics to identify words.  They interpret the words into concepts.  They then reconcile those concepts with their knowledge and understanding, and repeat the process in the reverse to respond.  At any one of these steps, the process can fail causing miscommunication.

I used to be totally satisfied with myself if I even made it through these steps.  Come to find out, there's actually much more to it than that.

True listening is more than interpreting concepts from sounds.  It involves putting ourselves into their shoes.  Only in that way are we able to go beyond what they're saying.  We can see why they're saying it, why they're saying it at that time, why they aren't saying something else, why they're using the tone that they are, why they're positioning their body in that way, with those gestures, with that speed, with those pauses and inflections, and other nuances that provide so much more meaning than just words.  Trying to ask all of these questions with every sentence that they speak would slow the communication to a crawl.  It's not practical to do it that way.  Truly, we must imagine ourselves in their shoes.

Each one of us has the capability within our mind and heart to take this leap.  It requires focus.  We can't be multitasking in splitting our attention.  We can't be thinking of how we'll respond.  We can't be defensive.  We must be open.  We must be accepting.  We should make eye contact.  We must set aside our own hopes, dreams, selfishness, pride, and agendas and simply seek to understand.  In understanding, we can begin to see their intentions, their hopes, their fears, and their passions.

Relationships are essential to the meaning of life.  Relationships can't grow if we don't grow in understanding the other.  Even more, they wither or die if we don't put the effort into remembering what the other person has shared with us.  If after each conversation, we forget what they've told us, where must the next conversation start?  Will the other person be open to repeating basic information of their name, their occupation, where they live, their family situation?  How often will they put up with this?  When will they give up and write you off as shallow, uncaring, and someone who wastes their time?  In remembering at least the key information that they share with us, the relationship has a foundation and structure to build on.  As we put more and more time and effort into learning about them and understanding them, it can flourish and create real meaning in your life.  It reaches well beyond the shallow into the sweet deepness of real friendship.

My wife is a great example of someone you truly listens.  In just a few minutes with someone, they make a meaningful connection.  It used to baffle me.  After just meeting a store clerk, the clerk would offer a friends and family discount when she checked out.  She didn't see people as a simple role of being a waitress, a policeman, a teacher, etc.  She would put herself in their shoes, see them as a whole person with the complexities of life.  She would then share her thoughts and feelings and like magic, they'd reach a mutual understanding and respect for each other.

Listening is key to any meaningful relationship.  Join me in giving up the idea that it's too difficult, complicated, or foreign to listen at a much greater level.  It is simple.  It is the effort to put ourselves into their shoes that takes us all the way from here to there.

How to Get the Motivation to Change for the Better

Marriage has been an eye-opening experience for me.  I thought I was a really good guy with very few shortcomings.  However, with the honesty, love, and openness of my amazing wife, I have learned a myriad of areas in which I could change for the better.

Some changes were easy.  Simply being aware of them was enough to make the needed adjustments. However, to change in other areas was daunting.  I didn't know how to change and I didn't know why it was important for me to change in those ways.  Certainly, I'd love to make my wife happier, but wasn't she asking too much?!?

My defensiveness, stubbornness, and lack of motivation were preventing me from progressing.  I found myself emotionally disconnected in my relationships.  I knew that it wasn't healthy.

I decided that I wanted the desire to change.  In praying for help, God told me to find the answer in "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W. Kimball.  I looked through the chapter titles and found "Chapter 11. Conviction--the Awakening".  As I read, I got from it that my conscience (aka the Light of Christ) along with the scriptures should be enough to get me to the point of feeling godly sorrow.  Godly sorrow is different than worldly sorrow, which is basically the sorrow of getting caught and/or of having to pay the consequences.  Instead, godly sorrow is an intense understanding of just how wrong an act was, a realization of the hurt that resulted, and even the desire to pay the consequences.

The book even said that if we truly feel godly sorrow, it will motivate us to go through the rest of the repentance process which includes pleading for forgiveness from Our Heavenly Father, repairing what we have done to the extent possible, stopping the behavior, forgiving others, and doing our best to obey God's commandments.

I wasn't feeling godly sorrow.  I was feeling pressured to change by others when that desire should be coming from within.  I read on because I needed to know how to get to that point.  It explained that rationalization and minimization rob us of the motivation to change.  They stop us from feeling godly sorrow.  That was the key!!  I was well-practiced at rationalization and minimization.  I did it all the time.

When I realized that what I needed to do was to stop rationalizing and minimizing, my life took a turn for the better.  I was able to have my eyes finally open to the hurt I had caused.  I was able to awaken the previously numb feeling in my heart.  If it weren't for my understanding and faith in the Jesus Christ and His Atonement, I could have despaired, but instead I welcomed these painful feelings, knowing that they would help me make major changes in my life.  I knew that at any time, I could call upon my Savior to find the great relief of His forgiveness.  But during this time, I wanted the pain to cleanse me of my selfishness and pride, and change me into someone who truly, deeply cared about each person around me as individuals.

I could feel my heart breaking, softening, and melting.  I no longer wanted to behave like I had in the past.  I wanted to make up for the wrongs I had done.  I had previously feared hearing criticism (which is often the hurt in others) as I opened myself to them, but now I considered it as part of righting my wrongs.  Allowing them to detoxify by sharing with me their frustrations about me, could open the door to healing for them, which I desperately desired.

The simple change to stop minimizing and rationalizing my actions, together with my faith in Jesus Christ, gave me all the motivation I needed.